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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Possible Side Effects May Include…

I’m thinking of contracting something. Something new. A condition maybe. Something really big, something no one else has. I’ve been plenty healthy for long enough – I don’t feel I’m taking full advantage of my medical insurance; and besides, there are all these new drugs to try. Who will support the pharmaceutical industry if I don’t step up?

Valtrex. What’s that for, again? I mean, it’s on the TV continually. I probably need it. I’ve been pelted with commercials telling me I need to ask my doctor about it, so I’ve added it to the list: Levitra, Cialis, Plavix, Valtrex. Surely I need one of these drugs? At least a multi-vitamin.

I’m just not sure I’m getting my minimum recommended daily allowance of manipulation.

I don’t recall seeing these kinds of things advertised in my youth. Is this a new event? “Ask your doctor” indeed. Is this a new service offered by my TV? Are there people going to doctors asking if Levitra is right for them? “Say, doc, I was watching Cops last night when some very attractive men and women pretending to be doctors suggested that I talk to a real doctor about depression, high blood pressure, diabetes (and how it may lead to Erectile Dysfunction), and Restless Leg Syndrome. Do I have these things; and if so, can I make requests?”

My favorite aspect of these drug advertisements is the list of possible side effects the takers of these drugs can expect.

“Possible side effects may include headache, nausea, loss of balance, split ends, bad breath, alternating and potentially concurrent diarrhea and constipation, fungal infestations, sphincter prolapse, and the eventual organic appearance of a third nostril.”

Gives one pause, doesn’t it?

All of this, of course, is said sotto voce and at a speed discernible only by New Yorkers and people on meth.

Anything else would ruin the mood.

I think someone in advertising should get creative. Maybe tie some of these commercials together. I’m betting you can combine Captain Morgan, Cialis, and, say, Spray 'n' Wash for one heartily effective marketing campaign. Linked together like that – with perhaps a mail-in rebate? – you could really work up an interesting commercial, not to mention a cost-effective Saturday night…

Anyway, I’ll let you know what I come up with. I’m pretty sure I’ve got something that requires a prescription drug.

Dr. Chen, I’ll be calling in the morning.

44 comments:

Symdaddy said...

I suffer from chronic RLS and take medication for it regularly. I despise ANYONE who makes fun of my condition.

However ... as it's you .....

Try Foreign Accent Syndrome

(http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11280005)

There's only a reported 60 or so cases world wide.

haphazardlife said...

I love the Viagra ads where they tell men to ask their doctors if it's safe to have sex. Seriously, what condition do you have to have that makes sex dangerous? Despite what we all would like to believe about our prowess, sex is not all that strenuous.

I particularly like the one with the cool looking dude in his vintage car who has everything under control - even his dick thanks to Viagra.

- Jazz

a Broad said...

I have Restless Mind Syndrome
So far there is no drug ( other than recreational) that helps.

Be glad you are healthy ... you are young, just wait, remember Grandma or Grandpa's dresser ? all those pills lined up ? with reminders as to how many of each to take ?

I hate medicines.
Now I have to go see if I have Symdaddys Foreign Accent Syndrome .. this one that is possible ... very possible.

Oilfield Trash said...

I say you should contact sexy. There is no need for a doctor's copay or a prescription.

white rabbit said...

@haphazardlife - It would be dangerous to have sex if you had it vigorously on an upper floor window sill with no safety harnesses.

That was a Rabbit Public Service Announcement

Rezden said...

I've seen Target and Wal-mart promoting other products along with themselves a lot more now. Last one was getting the Microsoft Kinect at Target.

I hate how marketing has turned out. A lot of the stuff they taught me in class about what not to do is being done now. I wish they would realize it's just annoying, not helping you sell your product to me.

becca said...

i have suffer from many things the most serious is CRS(can't remember shit) but there is at last nothing i can take for it then again if it weren't for all the other drugs i have to take i might not suffer so badly from CRS. anyways can't remember what i was going to say so nice post.

Joanie M said...

I think I have CRS too. Not sure what to take for it though.

I... ahem... heard that Levitra works well for men with a certain problem.

When the ad says to call your doctor if you have an erection lasting more than 4 hours, John says, "Call my doctor? Hell! I'm calling EVERYBODY!!"

Willoughby said...

My favorite ad was for a prescription to treat anxiety. Among the side effects were excessive gas and diarrhea. Could you honestly be less anxious if you were thinking about your bowels all the time?

Big Fat Gini said...

I suffer from Awesomeness. It's incurable. And, apparently you only get more Awesome as you age. Or, really any time you do anything. Especially when you drink. Honestly, it's your best bet.

As a side note, I HATE Valtrex commercials with the fire of a thousand hounds of hell. You know, the ones that go like this...

"I have herpes."

"And I don't."

Well then what in the name of Everybody Loves Raymond are you doing having sex with someone who has an STD!?!

powdergirl said...

Anal Leakage.

You forgot anal leakage. That one was for a newly developed product that they put in potato chips and maybe some other salty/sugary/sweet junk foods. It apparently was designed to block your bodies ability to absorb fat. We should all ask our doctors about it, I'm sure.

Haven't seen it around for a while, but I'm sure its still out there.

I just thought it would comfort you to know that you may be ingesting the work of secret laboratories belonging to Big Pharmacy without even knowing it.

I know it really makes my day on a regular basis, although not so much as do your hilarious postings.

As an aside, I'd really love to grow that 3rd nostril, I'm not getting enough attention.

This was fabulous Pearly Girly! As always, thanks for the laughs!

Sweet Cheeks said...

I suffer from Tolerhate Syndrome.

That means I constantly put up with stuff that annoys me.

Cure: Reading funny blogs and lighting junk mail on fire. Look into it...it just might be the disease for you!
=]

Leenie said...

Pearl: I'm just trying to figure out how you come up with another outstanding, amusing--okay, hilarious--post day after day?? And the comments that follow are just as amusing--okay, hilarious.

(not trying to join the amusing--okay, hilarious team, just a fan).

Maybe that cold weather in Minnesota twists the mind into unusual contortions. Whatever, keep on bloggin'!

Grant said...

Go for consumption. All the hot upper class ladies used to get it, but nobody seems to get consumed these days.

Jhon Baker said...

There is nothing safe or clean about sex if you are doing it right. That said - I long to have no condition and be able to fear having one again. Maybe cancer would be interesting... Related post here: http://willfulresemblance.blogspot.com/2010/10/comment-of-mine-from-another-blog.html#comments

IndigoWrath said...

Can you contract third-stage Kleptomania? If you can, I'd love a new TV.

Kevin Musgrove said...

I still find it mind-blowing when some celebrity or other can be seen advertising haemarroid cream or dick-stiffening pills.

Good God: what happens if they get them the wrong way round?

Douglas said...

A subject related to this came up in conversation with my cronies today. The ads say to tell your doctor what medications you are taking (shouldn't he already know? Seeing as how he's the one prescribing them) or "tell your doctor if you have a heart condition." My doctor has no idea I have a heart condition? The quack!

But this line says it all, doesn't it?

I’m betting you can combine Captain Morgan, Cialis, and, say, Spray 'n' Wash for one heartily effective marketing campaign.

I could think of at least one more product that could be tossed in....

Becky C. said...

Yeah, overheard one on the internet last week - don't know what they were advertising, but they listed *heart failure* among the side effects. Really? Heart failure is now a *side effect*?? Tell me again why I want to try your fancy drug...?

Funny stuff, Pearl.

Eva Gallant said...

You left out the most exciting side effect: possible death. I love how they underplay that one!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Isn't Valtrex the thing Paris Hilton had a prescription for when they raided her storage facility that time... Herpes. Ha!

I always get confused at the Viagra commercials when they say if you have a stiffy for more than four hours you should consult a doctor. I dispute this. If you have a four hour boner you'd be better off consulting a hooker.

That is all. :)

Hilary said...

Too funny. I have no idea what most of these things are but what gets me is how the side effects and dangers of the drug cause them to give disclaimers which take up 75% of the commercial time.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Great post and comments. I'm amused, too, by all the categories of people for whom these miracle meds are not suitable (e.g., women who are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant; men with a Y chormosome...) xoRobyn

Blicky Kitty said...

LOL ooh good idea. I am jealous of past generations of stressed out women getting access to martini's and valium. Sheesh! I feel devilish pouring my second class of wine (while I relax with my crack pipe).

Madame DeFarge said...

Being in the UK, we miss these adverts. We have to cope with dentists telling us to brush with this toothpaste or we'll end up gummy old grumps. Yours sound way more interesting.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Madame DeFarge: have you not seen Pele advertising Viagra on the Eurosport channel? Dead scary, it's like seeing Kenny Lynch in a Confessions movie.

(Apologies, Pearl, for all these parochial cultural references)

Fragrant Liar said...

Captain Morgan, Cialis, and Spray 'n' Wash. Hmm, get drunk and have prolonged sex in the washing machine? Now that's an interesting side affect.

mrwriteon said...

I think the Capt. Morgan, Cialis and Spray 'n wash has a lot to recommend it. Plavix, not so much. I take it. It's nowhere near as much fun as you might think.

Miss Footloose said...

My Dutch mother came to visit me in the States one time and was quite amazed by all the commercials for medications on TV. "There must be a lot of sick people in this country," she commented.

Guess what. This was twenty years ago, when all they did was advertise over-the-counter stuff.

vanilla said...

You tackled one of my pet peeves: pharmaceutical advertising. I wanted to address this on my blog, but know that I would come off as an angry, seeing-red, irate, nasty old man. Which is not who I am. You are blessed with the gift of humor such that you can effectively make your point and keep your cool. Blessings.

Cloudia said...

LOL :-)



Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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a Broad said...

I have CRS !! Thank you doctors !! I was waiting for a diagnosis ... it is not terminal, that is all that I care about ... and when you have CRS, things lose their importance, quickly ... like 5 minutes later.

But I also have Tolerhate Syndrome and consumption. Really, listen to me cough ! hack hack .. see ? Told you so.

This is not a post for Hypochondriacs, is it ?

King of New York Hacks said...

Wow...wasn't aware I had CRS until now...hopefully I won't remember I have it tomorrow and will focus on my Anatidaephobia and Luposlipaphobia....I'll leave a note to read this again tomorrow LMAO

Cate P said...

Maybe there's some sort of blogger's disease... and we can all be prescribed Fukitol.

The Jules said...

This should cure you: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JlmEc8rd_Nw

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I haven't seen anyone with the vapors for such a long time now. Does anyone still get the vapors? Do you have to be southern to get them? Why don't I ever hear about new medicines to treat them?

Tempo said...

Apparently everyone is sick except you... Thats got to be a sickness in and of itself Pearl? Good Health Syndrome?! Better take something for that before we all catch it.

Symdaddy said...

Parkinsons drugs help by suppressing some of the brain signals that make you legs jump.

I've been on Leva-dopa (comp-B) (sp?) for a few years and am now on another one that I can't spell. Within 30 to 40 minutes my bouncy legs calm down and I can sleep.

You have to be lucky to find a doctor that is up to speed on this.

There has been research on RLS for years and it is reckoned (or was) that 1 in 4 people suffer from it to some degree or another.

I got my first meds in Germany after meeting a doctor who also had RLS. It was a fight though to get something from the NHS though as my GP was little on the old side and hadn't heard of meds for the condition.

Ask your doctor about it. It could help.

I also suffer from Talenteditis, Cleverism and Readalotablogs syndrome.

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

If you are alive you have a condition that needs meds. Ca shing

Ricky Shambles said...

I just want the 4-hour boner. Just once. With a lady who'll fight me for the keys when its time to go to the hospital. Now that's a story.

a Broad said...

" Readalotablogs syndrome."
There is No Cure for This !!
nor can you do much about Talenditis and Cleverism ....

Fred Miller said...

Throw in a car with your new ad campaign. Nobody can make us spend money like car commercials. They create such a sense of "lack" that we will stuff thirty-thousand dollars down a dealer's throat to get the newest rig.

Meri said...

Ricky's comment reminds me of the guys discussing the Viagara warning and saying, "Sounds like a scheduling problem to me."

injaynesworld said...

You are just so freakin' talented, it blows my mind. Day after day you come up with the most original, whimsical stuff. I'm in complete awe of your abilities, my dear Pearl.

And someday you must tell us all about the Erma Bombeck workshop you did, too.