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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

On the Other Hand, The Odds of Her Bleeding to Death are Minimal

Our awareness of the thin line between reasonable and ridiculous grows, if not daily, then perhaps, optimistically, weekly.

This week’s venture into understanding the willfully silly?

Pants that double as tourniquets.

Oh, Pearl, Pearl, Pearl, I hear you moaning. What’s with you and pants? One minute they’re too droopy, now they’re too tight?

It's true. I have written of my fear and confusion around the droopy-pantsed youth of today (I am torn between feeling threatened by young men who want their be-skivvied butts exposed and fighting off the urge to shove my pen down their cracks, just to mess with their heads).

But I am just as fearful and confused by the doughy-fleshed women pouring themselves into decorative sweatpants.

Let’s just sit with that for a moment, shall we? Because yes, people you know -- perhaps even me! -- carry some superfluous weight. The roast beef sandwich with cheese and extra mayo was delicious; yes, I would like more of the sweet potato fries; and what's that? Would I split a dessert?

Would I split a dessert...

What kind of question is that?

It's not the excess flesh that I object to. It's the way it's stuffed into the clothing.

One can only speculate.

Perhaps it's so that said stuffer can continue to say "I wear the same size I did in high school".

Perhaps it's part of a religious ritual, the modern-day equivalent of wearing horse-hair shirts or whipping one's self bloody.

"And so it was on a Friday that she forced her flesh into the Pants of the Much Smaller in supplication and in atonement for the sweet potato fries. May the elastic be with you."

"And also with you."


And here we arrive at the crux of my issues with tight sweatpants: the joining of the words "tight" and "sweatpants".

I realize that this will mark me as part of the Roosevelt Administration, (of which I proudly served!), but there was a time when sweatpants were worn only during physical activity. Loose, expansive, they allowed for freedom of movement. Stretch! Run! Flop onto the ground in feigned exhaustion!

Grocery shopping, catching a bus, seeing a movie: none of these things warranted a pair of elastic-waist-banded track pants.

But then they came out with designer sweats, bedazzled sweats, sweats with saucy suggestions embroidered on their rear-ends, suggestions that would’ve, at one time in our nation’s history, landed your nonconformist self under a heavy door piled high with rocks.

I am not suggesting, by the way, that we stone people who show up in sweatpants.

No, it’s my contention that the majority of them are already stoned.

I wanted to tell this all to the woman on the bus this morning, the woman that boarded on the corner of Spring and Monroe in a pair of bright pink velour pants whose seat proclaimed her, in a series of eye-popping (and no doubt cheek-denting)crystal studs, “Juicy”.

I worried about her callous disregard for the tensile strength of her seams. What these pants held back was something my mind was not willing to grasp at 6:24 a.m.. I pictured the popping of a thread, the words “Fire in the hole!” shouted by the bus driver, the roaring rush of flesh that spilled out and into the aisles, trapping commuters like flies in amber.

They would find us, our faces pressed up against the windows, held prisoner by what had, just moments before, been “Juicy”…



And that's when I knew: I am simply not getting enough sleep...

36 comments:

MJenks said...

I'm sure you and I probably share differing opinions on the subject, but sweet potato fries are not the delicacy that I thought they would be.

Pearl said...

MJenks, well, I've had good ones and bad ones. The good ones are positively encrusted with sea salt and the bad ones are limp and bland...

Salt makes everything better. :-)

Elizabeth said...

I agree with you wholeheartedly and I share your horror.

But I must confess that I am equally distressed by the audacity of designers and retailers who up the ante in the sweatpants with bling movement by producing things like this.

http://www.jcrew.com/womens_category/pants/novelty/PRDOVR~30039/30039.jsp

Hilary said...

Who could sleep well with nightmares like these. Too funny. Thanks for the morning laughs.

Big Fat Gini said...

I have two words for you.

Pajama Jeans.

(waits for you to finish screaming in horror)

Living in a college town means I am subjected to all kinds of visual assaults by sorority girls everywhere. You know, if you'd just buy your pants in a size bigger, you'd really look a whole lot better and nobody would know that you're not really a size four. But, you shove your size 12 behind into a size four and well, now everyone knows.

Willoughby said...

I agree with you, but I'm much more distressed by the number of people (in all shapes and sizes) that wear pajama bottoms for anything other than sleeping. I see them at the supermarket, gas station, CVS, and just walking down the street. They couldn't all be sleepwalking, could they??

Douglas said...

I am afraid my comments would be hypocritical. After all, I play golf. Style is relative, you say? How kind of you. But, being an O.F., I have lived through the skin tight pegged pants and the over-tapered shirts of the late 50's, the patched-until-no-original-material-beyond-the-zipper is left jeans and amoeba pattern shirts of the 60's, the polyester audacity of the 70's (without succumbing to that one, at least) and simply stopped noticing in the 80's when I switched to the garish Hawaiian style shirts I still wear today(they camouflage so many faults). All I can say is no one sweats in the sweat pants of today, do they?

Grant said...

I gave a ride to a hot Asian woman and when she exited my car, her baggy pants dropped and she flashed a sexy purple thong at me. In that moment, I suddenly understood the allure of baggy pants. But only on petite Asian chicks.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearly Girly~

Stop worrying about all those sweat pants out there and start worrying about all thos zombies...you'll sleep like a baby!
;-)

Sarah Has Moxie said...

"May the elastic be with you, and also with you"...that was brilliant! I'm going to be laughing about that all day! :)

Helena said...

My brother refuses to buy up a size. Or 7. It's not pretty.

Dave said...

'Pants' means something different over here, where English is spoken.

Leenie said...

Visualizing the bus, the smashed passengers, the JUICY bling studded in their skin. THE HORROR! Love your blog.

Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious, and so true!

Dawn said...

Hhhahhaahha...Omyword! Your post is hilarious....this made my day!
Can't wait to let my sister read this...we were just talking about the need everyone around here feels....to stuff themselves into their sweats;)))

Thanks for coming by my blog!!!
Happy day to you..I'll be back!

Oilfield Trash said...

You should never worry about the youth of today with their pants halfway down, if you have to run from them, they will trip and fall down before you ever get tired. Don't believe me? Watch two episodes of Cops to see what I am talking about.

Unfinished Rambler said...

I've never heard of these tight sweatpants, but I have heard of women who...well...probably shouldn't be wearing the pants they are because they're too tight or halter tops or showing off their bellies...when...well, they probably shouldn't be doing so.

jo.irish.rose said...

HILARIOUS! i worked at a boarding school and we had cracks galore! both genders, front and back! either cleavage or butt crack, i hated it! so glad your taking a stand! i say get pants that fit, and quit showing us what God gave you! we all have the same stuff, some more than others, but i don't want to see it!

a Broad said...

Just before we left the US ... for reasons aside from large people in small clothing scaring us to death ... I noticed that too many people had graduated from "sweatpants/exercise wear" to just saying The Hell with it ! and wearing their pajamas everywhere.

I had to stop myself on a daily basis from shaking my head disapprovingly and looking like an old maid from a 1950's TV show, " youth today , feh !"...
But then it wasn't just the youth ? it was .... everyone !!

We moved.
Every one around me wears the appropriate clothing for shopping, working, walking, going out in public.
It is surprisingly pleasant.

besos

Pat Tillett said...

If I were a woman, I'd have a closet full of moo-moos and nothing else...

Flea said...

Peopleofwalmart dot com. Evil. But it's worse in real life. Maybe.

Bambam said...

It's a bit like the "whale tail" effect where the top of the G-string pokes out above the pants. Looks fkn great on a really good arse, and causes long-term mental scarring when it's actually a whale who is the offender!

I liked the stoned/stoned pun too!

Linda Medrano said...

Sweats are supposed to be loose and roomy, aren't they? Now I am guilt of running to the 7/11 in a pair, once in a great while, but I pair them with stilettos and drop earrings and it's not that bad. But mine aren't tight or bedazzled either. Just navy, black, or gray sweatpants with a matching hoodie jacket.

vanilla said...

No, Pearl, it is not sleep deprivation. It is rampant lack of respect for the self and for others as practiced by too many of your fellow commuters.

mrwriteon said...

To me sweatpants are inexcusable regardless of circumstances. They can never look good or flattering. Maybe if they legalize pot in California, they could ban sweatpants. It'd be a start.

Gigi said...

Beautifully said, Pearl! I've always wondered the same things - just not as eloquently!

Kay Dennison said...

LOL I never wear sweatpants in public -- it would hurt my image.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! So what, you don't want to see me in my heroic joggers, cream-cheese arse shoehorned in along with my atrophied winkie? What are you, some kind of lesbian? Indigo x

The Retired One said...

"trapping commuters like flies in amber"....hahaaahaaaaaaaaaaabwwwahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (or should I just say: "Juicy!")????

Tempo said...

Oh, thats just plain scary (shiver)

River said...

This is just too funny. I've walked behind women who have stuffed way too much flesh into jeans or tight sweats and hoped that the seams wouldn't give way while wondering at the same time how the heck do they sit down in those things and manage to breathe at the same time?
I rarely wear my sweats in public, sometimes just on an early morning dash for the newspaper. Most of the time I wear jeans, but jeans that fit properly, or even a half size too big. I prefer to be respectably covered and I can walk sit and breathe comfortably.

Gaston Studio said...

I just don't get anyone stuffing themselves into any kind of pants that are way too small for them. Aren't they uncomfortable? Do they honestly think they look good? I just don't get it...

Bossy Betty said...

SO, I guess my ultra-low slung velour sweatpants are out for our lunch date?

KT said...

"I worried about her callous disregard for the tensile strength of her seams." HA HA. This post is awesome.

Kyddryn said...

Mizz Pearl...my brain now hurts.

Being pregnant means I keep expanding, which means some os my once-loose pantaloons are a tad tighter than they ought to be. I try not to wear tight clothing at all, let alone in public, but until someone makes maternity pants for the already plus-sized, I'm stuck doing the best I can. Hurrah for having dropped some tonnage BEFORE getting knocked-up...my big-girl pants can double as baby-mama pants for the nonce. I have been known, as well, to add a second or third line of stitching to seams, not trusting commercial sewers and their awareness of my sartorial needs.

I didn't start out to prate on...really, I just wanted to ask...

Why would anyone print the word "juicy" on their nethers? Is that really a word one wants associated with one's hind quarters? It brings to mind unfortunate dining choices and gastric distress, or Montezuma and his inevitable vengeance on North American travelers to Central and South American ports of call. I wonder, what on earth are people thinking?

Here's hoping you do not suffer an unfortunate bedazzling or rhinestone wound when the inevitable entropic decay of the seams occurs!

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who is often horrified by what people of size think is appropriate wear)(and yes, she is of size herself)

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Pat-you could wear a moo-moo if you wished.
I work with kids in court. One boy tried to run away. He couldn't run with his pants so low. He suddenly found himself on the floor with hands in cuffs. Then he couldn't pull the pants up. He looked quite silly walking back to the jail.