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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Local Turkey Seeks Hen for Long-Term Relationship

Are you, like me, a single bird tired of the bar scene?

Like me, do you want more out of life than rising at dawn and stuffing your gullet with corn? Do you seek ground cover with someone who can challenge you, intellectually? How about travel? Do you foresee going to Iowa someday?

Hi! My name is Tom. I have been pecking and scratching since spring and am now looking for someone with whom I can share my life.

Could you be that special bird?

Although I currently work in a farming community, I am not opposed to meeting someone from the city. And while my accommodations at the moment are of a communal/roommate-living type arrangement, I’ve got my eye on several spots in the western suburbs for when the time comes to find a place of my own.

Physically, I’m pretty big for my age. The meals provided lately have been pretty heavy on the starches but I have plans for Bikram Yoga and a kickboxing class in the weeks before Christmas.

My pet peeves include jellied cranberries, buckshot, and dogs with a herding instinct. Hobbies include walking through the woods, bird watching, not looking up when it rains, and hot tubs.

But what about you?

Tell me about yourself. The ideal mate would be well-read and attractive. No artificial hormones, no alcoholics, and no chicks, please.

I’m booked ‘til next week but should have lots of time on my wings afterwards.

Call me!

31 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

That is awesome. I don't like buckshot either.

Big Fat Gini said...

Heh. You just gave me my first morning giggle! Awesome!

(and you're right, we could totally solve the world's problems over a beer, or um, six)

furiousBall said...

most hens are just out for cock

Vintage Christine said...

Um, turkey? For you, there AIN'T no next week. Sorry.

haphazardlife said...

This is when I'm really happy to not be of the fowl family.

- Jazz

Pearl said...

Oilfield, nor I!

BFG, glad to hear it! (And the first pitcher's on me. Hey - it could happen.)

Oh, furious. How I wished I'd seen that coming.:-)

Vintage Christine, this is true. Luckily, ol' Tom seems to be oblivious.

Jazz, that and the feet. Have you seen their feet?

Simply Suthern said...

I live in the land of turkey farms. Upwind thankfully. It seems a lot of the are heading out on trucks on their final world tour.

Good Luck Tom. Ya might just wanna go on that diet Pre Thanksgiving.

Pearl said...

Simply, poor ol' Tom doesn't know he's a marked bird.

Hilary said...

I think I'm just the mate you're looking for. I used to drink, but quit cold turkey. It's a good thing my mother never knew about it or she'd turn over in her gravy. In my spare time, I play percussion. Remind me to show you my drumsticks. Call if interested. Perhaps I can prepare a meal for you. You'll walk away stuffed.

Tom G. said...

I'm hiding in the North Metro for at least another week.

Gobble Gobble!

Pearl said...

Oh, Hilary. My dear dear Hilary. :-)

Tom, honestly, I think I've seen you (amazing how many turkeys are running the streets!)

bruce said...

nice post!!!

i loved Hillary's comment!

bar~ring any future tom-commitments, Hot tubbing sounds great, but i will pass-the-potatoes- on the sauna...they always make me feel basted...

Grant said...

Ideal mate.

Madame DeFarge said...

Lets hope it is long-term and not cut short by a sudden outbreak of Thanksgiving.

Leenie said...

The visual of a big tom turkey doing Bikram Yoga and trying to not look up during a rain storm just about made me shoot boogers out my nose.

Pat Tillett said...

if it had only been "Wild Turkey!"

Gigi said...

Poor Tom. He's a rather clueless kind of guy, isn't he?

a Broad said...

" Hobbies include walking through the woods, bird watching, not looking up when it rains, and hot tubs. "

Oh this makes me so sad. A friend of ours, funnily enough, his name was Tom .. was walking in the rain one day .... and he looked up :(
It was a beautiful funeral.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

This is very amusing, Pearl. I like the references to hot tubs, artificial hormones, and chicks. Looks like Tom's gonna be busy this holiday season. Good luck to him. xo

Douglas said...

Now I'm hungry.

Eva Gallant said...

I'd trade that Tom for a ham anyday!

Cheeseboy said...

I love hot chickens. To eat.

becca said...

:) too cute thanks for the giggle

Mr London Street said...

I'm sad that you had to explain the joke. I enjoyed this one.

Flea said...

Tom, I hope you find the love of your life. Rather, I hope to find you as the love of my life on Thursday. After that, I'll love you for - oooh - probably four more days. In the form of sandwiches and pie and soup. You're on your own at that point, buddy.

Cloudia said...

shuck-bot!



Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

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Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

(Oops! Let's try that again)

I don't mean to be rude, but I didn't get the humour and fail to understand how anyone else did!

*SIGH* I still have a lot to learn about American humour.

I could tell it was in there somewhere but I just couldn't tease it out.

I know this is not your fault and that the problem lies entirely with the cultural divergence that occurred after that 4th of July thingy back in 1776 (we was robbed!) as opposed to any failing in your writing abilities.

That said, I do see the funny side of 95% of your work.

Hope you ain't mad at me!

jabblog said...

Poor turkey - I guess he's going to meet buckshot and cranberries sooner than he envisaged ;-)

a Broad said...

Symdaddy , don't tell me you never read the LRB-Classifieds !

" You've got to kiss a lot of frogs, etc. So, quantify "a lot;" are 972 sufficient? You could save me from this endless tallying by kissing me yourself. Handsome not required; charming would be good, also imaginative, philosophical, courageous, HHSB well connected, ageing well and regally, 60s."

Eric said...

[LIKE]