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Saturday, November 20, 2010

Clearly They Didn't Recognize Me

I carry a notebook with me, always. I realize that there are people who don’t – but what do they do when the ideas happen, when bits of unusual conversation crop up?

Don’t tell me it goes unrecorded!

Even on the bus, the notebook is always at the ready.

And so it was with some surprise that I overheard the end of a conversation on said bus the other day that incorporated a subtle nod in my direction and one of them saying, “Hey, we might have problems, but at least we’re not on the bus writing in our diary.”

And then they laughed.

Excuse me? Writing in my diary?

Do these people have any idea who I am?!

I like thinking that, by the way. “Do you know who I am?!” So pretentious! So ridiculously self-satisfied. Reminds me of a cousin, a cross between Marilyn Monroe and Marilyn Manson, who used to get into Jerry-Springer-worthy bar fights that always started with her bellowing, "How dare you! How dare you!!"

Perhaps I have taken this whole blogging thing too seriously. It’s one thing to have had business cards made for passing out at readings but perhaps it’s another to have commissioned the plaque I hope to hang in the main hall at my old high school.

“Home of the Cardinals and Pearl, Blogger Extraordinaire, Snappy Dresser, and Recipient of the 1980 Worst-Smelling Gym Locker Competition. Go Cards!”

Still. Those two guys – I should have them killed.

32 comments:

ellen abbott said...

Obviously they didn't realize who they were dealing with. And what a close shave they had and didn't even know it.

powdergirl said...

Oh I think you probably did kill the miscreants(I love that word), but are much to wily and clever to admit to it on the internet, bet your note book tells the true tale of blood shed and slow agonizing death on public transport.

I'm on to ya Pearl, but as an admiring fan, I'll keep your little secret : )

Eva Gallant said...

Pearl, you crack me up! I always have to keep coming back!

Bossy Betty said...

Perhaps a crown on your head would help in situations like this.

Leenie said...

So how are you going to off them? The following comes from the website 101 Ways to Kill People:

1) Suffocation 2) Hanging 3)Paper Cuts Everywhere
4)Shoot them in the head
5)Cut Limbs off slowly
6)Do the Volcano experiment inside them
7)Rusty spoons through liver
8)Paper cut them, then make then take a dip in vinegar
9)Give them one paper cut, then throw them in a pool full of hungry piranhas
10)Make them walk into a building full of Jews and yell ‘Hail Hitler!’

More where those came from. But I know nothing, nothing.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

If only they knew that you would be putting them on your blog, holding them up to ridicule and shame. That's show them. They would know who they were dealing with then. That'd shut them up. But they will never know. Because you are too smart for them.
I should carry a notebook. I always forget the good stuff. I think.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Look up, with utmost arrogance, and proclaim it is not a diary...IT'S A MaNiFeStO.

Of course it would be way more awesome if you were clipping out letters of the alphabet from magazines while doing that. Just a thought, though I don't want to micro-manage.

~Rene

WrathofDawn said...

How dare they? How very dare they?

"It's not a diary. It's a hit list. You're number 7. And 8. MWAHAHA!"

a Broad said...

I especially like Wrath of Dawn's idea ...
Pearl to the 2 Knuckleheads.... "You , my good man, and you too, are now on The List.
I would avoid going out after dark from now on, IF I were you, which Thank God, I am not."

Symdaddy said...

The "How dare you! How dare you!!" part reminded me so much of my sister ... only for emphasis she says "How very dare you! How very dare you!!"


Leenie: Die korrekt schreibweise ist "Heil" und nicht "hail"!

Jhon Baker said...

You should have them killed, or at least have smiled and said "it's not my diary, I keep a small gun hidden in that one. This is a notebook filled with descriptions of the more idiotic of the bus population that will be in my next book." or even better "I was going to draw a neat juxtaposition between the habits of F. Scott Fitzgerald and myself but it would have been lost on you."

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Did you point out that it's a moleskin diary? Little turds. You should have flashed them. That'd shut them up in a hurry.

Douglas said...

Two words, Pearlessence, two words...

digital recorder

One shaped like a hand grenade, perhaps. Though that might cause a bit of a stir on the bus.

texastrailerparktrash said...

I don't carry a notebook, sorry to say. If I need to write something down, I have to scramble around in my purse for used gum wrappers or the backs of old eyeglasses prescriptions. By the time I locate them, I've forgotten what I wanted to write.

Tom said...

Any chance you'll see those guys on the bus again? If yes, stare at them and furiously write. If one of them says something, look at them like worm on the sidewalk and say, "Don' worry, my work here is nearly done." I'm sure they'll leave you alone after that.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Having read through your post and comments, I'm scared of Leenie most of all.

I suggest that, next time, you blatantly aim your cell phone at them to snap a photo as a keepsake, and ask them to sign your diary.

xo

Dr. Cynicism said...

When you get an idea, you scribble it down. That's the method. It's what all the best stand-up comedians do, the best writers, etc. Oh, and also what most battle-rappers do too... but we'll forget that little detail.

You keep on keepin on!!! You're awesome in my book. You win.

Linda Sue said...

Were you writing with a pen or a pencil? They double as weapons for stabbing- felt tip, not so much. Always, ALWAYS, write with a sharp object or in your "diary" with jagged edged pages which can be used as throwing stars...ZIP, gash, blood! That quick, that simple- fret not...next time you will be prepared. You're welcome...
Leenie is GOOD, real good!

Flea said...

Leenie's good people.

You gave them your card, right? Dang.

Gigi said...

Oh to get a peek into that notebook! You know, to see how this story really ended.

Cyberquill said...

I recall the rage unleashed upon Oscar after he referred to that ladle in Felix's hand as a "spoon." And now we learn that calling a notebook a diary can be lethal. The lesson is that we must choose our words very carefully.

Ron said...

OMG...the NERVE of them not recognizing you - the HEATHENS!

Me too, I carry a notebook with me in my backpack, because I never know what strange and wonderful thing may occur that may give way to a blog post!

Simply Suthern said...

Ya know, your fans know who you is. Some folks just dont git it or they dont matter.

As they say in research if it aint written down, it didnt happen. So I dont write anythng down. It wasnt Me!!!!

lisleman said...

like the plaque idea

vanilla said...

Do you know who I am? i yam the blog police, i yam. And i sez this is one medal-worthy, plaque-deserving right-minded blog!

Tempo said...

But Ive only just finished the concrete plaque for Grauman's Chinese Theatre that you ordered Pearl...you still want it, right?

Pat Tillett said...

Maybe a little dragging behind the bus would have done it... Oh these little people! how do they manage?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Time to put a sign on the back of your notebook that says....
"I'm working, no autographs at this time."
Ha.
jj

Loz said...

Everyone is fair game. I heard a girl talking loudly on her iPhone on the train the other night who said - "It's a 50 / 50 proposition you know. It's not like it's 80 /30."

Ian said...

Splendid

Bambam said...

... or you could pipe up with "At least I can write!" .... How DARE they tease someone for writing on a bus? How F*&%ING DARE they!! My mother was a classic for the "How DAAAARRRREEEE you" over-acted drama queen line.

River said...

Had a comment ready, but after reading that ^ lot, i've got nothing. Ha Ha