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Friday, November 26, 2010

Because Baby? It's Cold Outside

Have you winterized your car yet?

Oh, sure. Everyone knows about winter-weight oil, about checking your tires and replacing your windshield wipers; but have you considered how well appointed your trunk is?

A pile of flannels, the snowmobile boots, the sensible hat with the ear flaps? Sure. Who doesn’t have those things?

And I’m sure we all grew up with the idea that a lighted candle in an old coffee can is sufficient to throw a little heat in your average four-door, so you’ve got that old Folgers can back there as well.

Jumper cables, rope, a battery-operated radio, these are all desirable items as well; and if they aren’t in your car, then I’m sure you’re in the process of pulling it all together.

You just look like the type to me.

But I’m concerned that you’ve not considered the finer points of enforced car squatting.

Have you considered the “Go for Help! I’ve Run Out of Cigarettes!” sign you’re going to need? Because if your car gets stuck in the ditch during a blizzard, you are definitely running out of cigarettes.

And lipstick. You’re going to need lipstick. Once that candle in the coffee can gutters out, you’re going to start to turn blue. Not many people can carry off that look.

Speaking of which, you might wish you had a harmonica with you. When People magazine gets a hold of your I-was-trapped-in-a-car-during-a–blizzard story, you’re going to regret not having worked out the specifics of that blues song you were humming.

Oh, and that reminds me. At some point you are going to wish that you had packed a pint or two of schnapps in your car. Schnapps is a wonderful and warming thing – no matter how false that sense of warmth is – but I would advise against actually having it on hand, as its proximity may lead to its being imbibed, which in turn may lead to over-the-top expressions of gratitude when the good-looking tow truck guy pulls you out of the ditch later.

And that’s awkward.

And winter isn’t about being awkward.

It’s about being prepared to be stranded somewhere.

32 comments:

who said...

delta cappa sigma highway onramps?

a Broad said...

oh what is so wrong with feeling a little awkward if someone cute rescues you?
You know, I have never tasted Schnapps .. my life has been so effing sheltered ..

bruce said...

Pearl-

you hit the nail on the coffin er i mean head on the smokie treats thing...

getting stranded or as you so aptly put it, enforced car squatting, is an entirely northern (read:snowbelt) thing...

good read as always...

bruce
bruce johnson jadip
stupid stuff i see and hear

Symdaddy said...

This afternoon Llantwit Major (the village I have just got back from) was under a 2" blanket of snow within five minutes.

Traffic leaving the village came to a standstill however when a woman refused to drive along a narrow lane towards the main road. She claimed "The weather forecast said nothing about snow! I can't drive through this".

Eventually she was cajoled and threatened sufficiently to get her car moving again.

The trip (for me) back home was about twenty miles. It took me over an hour!

On the drive home, a bottle of schnapps would have been a very pleasant companion.

Everyday Goddess said...

What about a cute guy? I'm a single girl ya know!

Charlotte Ann said...

when I lived in Wyoming, I had all that stuff in the trunk of my car. Came close a few times to car squatting.....confiscated a snow plow and drove it to town that one time I slid my truck off the mountain road....ah...good times huh? that snow stuff? Thankfully and I can't say that with enough stess on this..I now live in the mostly 'sunny winter south". It's 46 degrees right now..and we are NOT happy but there isn't a chance of white stuff fallling from the sky.

Lynne H. said...

Well for this Floridian we don't have to winterize our cars, but still need to carry the necessary staples in the event of a hurricane..

i love the harmonica bit...lol

you are so damn witty Ms. Pearl!!

Symdaddy said...

(smooths down hair with spit) Someone mention a 'single woman'?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The schnapps would be almost worth breaking down on a desolate winter highway for. Although, it's adding insult to injury to break down in the minus 30 degree winter then when help DOES arrive, get busted for drunk driving due to the keep warm schnapps. :)

Me, I always have a bunch of blankets, a flashlight, a miniature jump start battery, water, gloves, scarf, hat, old overcoat, granola bars (seriously) - in the back seat, so I can warm up without even getting out the car to get that stuff. I'm so prepared.

Um...the jump start battery isn't for warming me up. Not yet.

Now I just need the schnapps. :)

Gigi said...

All this and more explains why the South is where I belong.

Oilfield Trash said...

This is by far your best post that I have seen.

Fragrant Liar said...

Wow. See, therein lies the difference in geography between us. You, snowblizzardville. Me, closertotheequatorville.

The few things I have in my trunk (not my personal trunk, ahem) include a fold-out lawn chair (for watching the boys play softball), a jug of water, in case this Florida sun overheats my engine (or I run out of fluids) or I get dry mouth from salivating over said boys, and a sun hat.

But I tell ya, I could use a little snow on the lawn to break up all this green stuff. ;-)

Blicky Kitty said...

I have always considered having a well-appointed trunk very important. But I think, cute bikini bottoms, leg lifts. and pilates make it look much better than jumper cables.

becca said...

thank god i live in FL

a Broad said...

Oh god, people are glad to be closer to the Equator ... I am over it .. across it .. the other side of it .... whimpering.
It is hot and humid here and nary a Christmas ornament in sight.
Do you realize how cranky that can make a girl? or a guy if he is sufficiently sensitive ....feh ... I want to see some snow.

Jinksy said...

I think many UK Blogpals need to read this today! Snow is falling all over the place...

Jhon Baker said...

I make sure to always have a full tank of petrol and drive something with a low 4 option. The rest of the stuff is all for pretending to be stuck if I think it will improve my chances of staying warm while naked.
This reminds me that I have to get new tow cables though so I can pull out others if I feel loving that day.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Didn't I read somewhere that schnapps can be lit up to keep me warm? I think so. Therefore, it is a necessity here in snow world. It may be able to keep me lit in more ways than one. I like dual-purpose items. So, yes to the schnapps.

Eva Gallant said...

Being retired, I don't have to go out in a snowstorm!!!! (And my car has Onstar)

Elly Lou said...

There should probably be some jerky involved, too. My car always has jerky in it. No idea why.

a Broad said...

Elly Lou, if you spring a leak in a tire, I hear you can chew the jerky then use it as a plug for the hole.

:)

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Make sure your coat has at least one button, because you can suck on a coat button to keep your mouth moist...Tillie Tooter taught me that, she learned it from that John Wayne flick "The 3 Godfathers"...aw go on and google it :)

Pat Tillett said...

Pearl, why you little...
That was hilarious!
We obviously live in different worlds. Items kept in the trunk where I live might be:
Beach chair and towel
Sun block
Light weight sweater or sweat shirt for really cold weather.
Frisbee

I know...

Joanie M said...

Making my list and checking it twice, as I read!

poosemommy said...

Okay, so I am again reminded why I live less than 150 miles from the gulf coast. I hate winter. I hate snow. It looks pretty in pictures, but it makes my nose red and runny and my socks get all soggy. I'll keep the 80 degree Thanksgiving with a chance of tornadoes. Festive, no?
Come to think of it, we've washed the cars in our swim suits on Christmas...

Kay Dennison said...

Guess what!!!! My lil' Miss Ruby Begonia will be at the oil change dude on Monday. he does all the stuff needed for less than $40 bucks. Wayyyyyyyyyy cool, huh?

John McElveen said...

LMBO! Living in FL & now SC--I won't need all those things!

Great post!\\

John

River said...

If there was ever any possibility that I might get trapped in a car I'd make sure there were several books, a torch and at least a dozen spare new batteries, and a fully charged 80GB I-Pod, with a mix of music and video on it. Forget the Schnapps, I'd probably spill it.

Roses said...

*goes out to buy extra tobacco supplies for car*

The Retired One said...

But you forgot the Sodoku book, pencil and air freshener!!! LOL

The Retired One said...

Sudoku? how in the heck is it spelled anyway?

Kate said...

I just keep the summer's camping gear in the trunk all winter. Knives, sleeping bags, water, firewood, shelter. See how I repurpose everything? I rock it! And I'm also too lazy to clean out my trunk.