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Thursday, October 21, 2010

That Lying, Thieving Clock

My appliances are in cahoots and plotting ways to drive me mad.

For instance, I suspect my alarm clock – snatcher of dreams, night-buster, bringer of headaches – of outright lying to me.

I can’t go into a lot of detail here – I rely on the damn thing, after all, plus it reads my blog – other than to say that when the alarm goes off at 5:50 there are daily, whispered insinuations made, assurances of comfortable 10-minute “snoozes” that promise not to cut into my morning routine and to put me back into that dream-state I so enjoy.

This is a lie, of course. There is rarely such a thing as just one slap at the Snooze, anything and everything affects the morning routine, and another 10 minutes of sleep means nothing.

Like many people, I, for reasons that vary from getting to bed late to the inability to fall and stay asleep, am vulnerable to the Snooze.

And the early-morning bit, the lies the clock tells me? The lies I allow to ooze into my ears before I’ve attained full consciousness? I suspect the lure is universal.

What? What’s that? You are immune to the insidious ways of the morning snooze? You awaken smelling of clean sheets and optimism, bound out of bed, flow through 10 Sun Salutations and then pop into the kitchen for whole grains and pulverized-fruit juices before bicycling to work?

I’ve heard of people like you!

The truth is that I envy you people, the ones to whom the alarm clock does not lie, people that awaken of their own accord. Not that I’ve met one yet, but sources (and we’ll leave it at that: just “sources”) inform me that they’re out there.

The alarm clock may never be my friend but for now, it’s a necessary evil; and I’m sure it’s just trying to do what it’s told for as long as possible.

Everybody likes a little job security.

Unlike that foolish iPod docking station of mine, whose buttons sometimes work and sometimes don’t.

That little SOB is walking on thin ice.

42 comments:

MJenks said...

I don't use the snooze button/bar because I know the trap will lure me into a vicious cycle of hitting the button, dozing fitfully, hitting it again, and then fill the remainder of my day with regret and self-loathing.

I get up when the alarm goes off. I do not like it. I do not bound. I often curse at the Fates and the Sun and everything else that might listen. And then I go off on my morning routine, only hating myself a little bit for the rest of the day.

Kat said...

The hubby is that guy. That guy that wakes up that one-tenth of a second after his alarm fires off. Hops right in the shower and never complains about being tired. Damn him. I love the snooze. And I love to snooze until Gator Guy gets out of the shower because dammit...I need those 7 minutes.

Pearl said...

MJenks, there is much I can learn from you, my friend.

Kat, :-) Very funny! Yes! I, too, need those seven, fitful minutes. Dammit.

Vintage Christine said...

I have the best alarm in the world. BooBooKitty comes in and wakes me up every morning between 4 and 4:30a.m. Not that I have to get up that early but that's just the way it is here. Also, that eliminates him waking up the husband (a much harder, though not impossible task) who is Mr. Grumpenstein in the a.m. Me, I'm immediately sickenly cheerful.

Symdaddy said...

Alarms? You folks set alarms???

Well ... what can I say? I have never set an alarm clock in my life!

If I say I want to wake at 6am, I damned well wake at 6am!

My body has been conditioned and honed into a perfect wakey-upy-go-to-slpeepy thingy, doing exactly what I tell it. It never shows any sign of letting me down. I can cat-nap standing up and with eyes open.

I have learned the 'sentry' method of looking alert whilst catching up on those much needed Z's.

As for those wake-up-in-the-night moments ... hell! I've even trained myself to go to the loo in my sleep!

I am an expert at waking up with a smile on my face ready to tackle the trials and tribulations of the brand new day.
.
.
.
.
Whoa!

Was that a pig that just flew overhead?

Gary Baker said...

I cast out my snooze-enabled device after one too many snoozes left me vertical-haired, crumple-faced with stomach well and truly unsucked-in as I opened the door to my Young Glamorous Neighbour. Twas only as I closed the door it registered I'd been scratching my arse and attempting to speak through a gigantic yawn as I accepted the errant parcel from this Goddess de Cul-de-Sac. Now I have a simple, snooze-free clock that MEEPs mercilessly until I get up.
Falling off the loo in a coma and head butting the towel rail each morning has become a bit of a ritual though - just so's you know.

Oilfield Trash said...

I feel the same way as you. When I got married a long time ago to my ex wife, the county clerk told me when I tried to apply for a marriage license that I was already married to someone named "snooze button".

Simply Suthern said...

I dont use the snooze button either. I tend to wake about 20 mins prior and lay there waiting for it to go off. A soom as my feet hit the floor I am wide awake ready to go and after about 10 mins in the hot shower I can straighten my back. All that said I slept through my alarm this morning by an hour.

Camille said...

Gary Busey wakes me up every morning. I have him on retainer. Don't tell my husband.

savannah said...

i have nothing to add to this discussion. it's 11:18am here and i am still in my jammies. xoxoxox

Wierdo said...

I have no snooze but I do have four alarms on my phone. And if I'm still in bed after those, my emergency alarm goes off (a clock this time instead of a phone so that I can tell the difference)and I know that I'm late and have no time to dry my hair after the shower.

I'm not a morning person: I get up at 6:30 but am not awake until 9 when I start teaching (I drive 40 miles in my sleep every morning which I belive is quite a skill)

a Broad said...

I live with a man who has a built in clock.
We have not had a clock in our bedroom for years.. He gets up exactly when he is supposed to, wakes me up and knows that he has to come back in half and hour and do it again.
I suppose you could say I am married to my Snooze.

I am absolutely not a morning person.
It is 12:42 where I live .. I am in my pajamas ..

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Love this post! :) I will send good energy to you as I do my sun salutations :)

Sausage Fingers said...

Reading you blog during lunch as quickly as possible, I thought the title was "That lying thieving cock" I was happily corrected after the first line.
Phew... Sausage

Sweet Cheeks said...

I could sleep until I'm dead and still be tired.

Mr. Cheeks (my polar opposite) doesn't need to use the alarm clock, because his body just wakes up naturally at 6 a.m. every day. Sadly, that includes holidays and weekends. Why did I marry that evil, morning loving man?!
;-]

lisleman said...

thin ice - the worst kind
Well at least your clock is not blinking at you. Don't you hate it when your gadgets lose their minds.
Not having a morning schedule is the best part of retirement I believe.

white rabbit said...

Like all people of goodwill I crawl grumpily out of bed and head straight for the coffee. As in big fat heaped scoop thingy strong coffee...

mrwriteon said...

I have to confess, Ms. Pearl, that I am one of those mythical 'those people'who doesn't need an alarm clock. I wish I did. I wish I could actually sleep long enough in the morning to need one, but that never seems to happen. Lying in until 5:30 would seem almost decadent to me. Just my infernal internal clock.

Canadianbloggergirl said...

I don't use the snooze button. The only time I may lay in bed for a few extra minutes is when hubby isn't home or up before me. I then snuggle for a bit with him. Usually right after my alarm goes off my daughter is in the room jumping on me (literally) to wake up!

CBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

nsiyer said...

You post reminded me of two people: My close friend Jaykay who used to get up upright at the sound of an alarm.
Second, my son - everyone else gets up, but he's fast asleep.

Willoughby said...

I'm a heavy sleeper. I never, ever hear the alarm go off. Luckily, my husband hears it go off, gets up and makes coffee, takes a shower and then wakes me. I guess that's my version of hitting the snooze button!

Karen said...

My husband sleeps through his alarm. I don't sleep through his alarm. After "snoozing" for half a dozen times I'll wake him up. Every day the comment is the same: I didn't hear the alarm go off.

Maybe not, but everyone in the house did!

Pearl said...

Vintage, Boobooo Kitty?! That’s quite adorable…

Sym, nicely done! :-)

Gary, MEEP? :-) That, sir, is fantastic.

Oilfield, you fit in well here!!

Simply, and did you wake in a panic? I once slept four hours past my alarm. :-) I needed the sleep but not the anxiety missing half a day of work caused me!

Savannah, oh, how I envy you…

Wierdo, I think a lot of people have become adept at driving in their sleep!

A Broad, time spent with Pup, lounging about in one’s pajamas… Sounds delightful.

Sarah, you are one of the people I suspect wakes up and SPRINGS from bed!

Sausage, now you know Pearl would never say such a thing! ;-)

Sweet Cheeks, I suspect you married that evil, early-morning man because he slaps your backside every time you walk by him? :-)

Lisleman, I think by the time I’m able to retire that I will be at that stage where I go to bed early and wake up early as well. Will have to think of a hobby!

White rabbit, you do it for the people. :-)

Mrwriteon, my mother is the same way. She called me on a weekend once at 7:00 a.m. When I answered the phone and told her I was still asleep, she said, “What, is it your birthday already?”

CBG, if my son came in and jumped on my bed, it would give me quite a fright. He’s 26!

Nsiyer, I hear you. My son sleeps like a rock!

Willoughby, that actually sounds delightful…

Karen, oh poor you!!! That would drive me nuts!

Roses said...

I'm a lazy-good-for-nothing-shite. If I had my way, I'd be in my pink, fluffy dressing gown until just before mid-day.

Unfortunately, my bank manager and I have had several disagreements. Harsh words were exchanged.

I now have to work for a living. Which means I have to be there on time. Given I'm not a morning person...I have to set my alarm to wake me at 6.30, otherwise I don't get my fix of Eine, blogging and FB.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I wake at 7 to be to work by 9. Not particularly cheerful about that, even though it is much later than all of you. Used to use the alarm. Now that our kids are grown, I find that I naturally wake at 7. Guess it all works out in the end.

Chels said...

Alarm clocks are the bane of my very existence. Bluuuuuuh. I'm a snoozer. And I love every second of snoozing.

Misfit Mommy (aka the Antichrist) said...

Just tell your alarm clock it is lucky. Mine has experienced flying several times. It, however has told me that the flying is not what scares it. It's the hitting of the wall that it does not like.
I'm a night owl, and there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried sleeping pills (do absolutely NOTHING for me), melatonin, etc, etc. My internal clock is convinced that I am to be awake until 4 or 5 a.m. and then not crawl out of bed til at least 10. Any earlier than that, and you better get the hell out of my way for the first 15 minutes. I am not a nice person in the mornings!

Greg Alder said...

Hey Pearl, it takes discipline to write every day. It takes real creativity to write something worth reading every day - which is what I will start doing, now that I have found your blog. Way to go

Gigi said...

My alarm clock and I have a relationship - I wouldn't call it a loving relationship either. But with that being said - those happy people in the morning? Can't stand 'em. At least not until I've had several cups of coffee and a few hours.

Becky C. said...

Once had a roommate - a night nurse, no less - that would set back her wake-up time so as to be able to hit the snooze bar eleven (count 'em, 11) times. That meant not only did her alarm clock lie to her about wake-up time, but she had to KEEP COUNT every time she awoke enough to hit the snooze bar. Never figured out how she did it (or why!).

Supergreensunbear said...

Those alarm clocks, I use my mobile phone and even though it has basic fun things I resent having to carry it around and I think it does stem from it's association with pulling me out of my lovely deep sleep. So I'm so with you on this one!

Bossy Betty said...

Ummmm, BTW, your clock has been hanging around my blog and dissing you. I'm just telling you.....

Douglas said...

I have no problem with lying alarm clocks. I lie to it instead. I set it a few minutes ahead so that the alarm will go off early. Unfortunately, more often than not, I wake up 15-30 minutes before my alarm time. This is too late to go back to sleep. It is also too early to wake Faye so, unless she has awakened early (which she often does) I lay there until the alarm goes off. I am not proud of this.

Jhon Baker said...

I once had to put a bullet from my .38 special snub nose revolver through my GPS navigator. It started with getting me lost in Chicago and finally drew it's last straw when it refused to update after I bought a new map set for fifty bucks. This properly served as a warning to all my other electrical devices which began to act properly afterward.

WrathofDawn said...

I wore out the snooze button on the last alarm clock. WORE.IT.OUT.

And the iPod resident here is making grumbling noises as well.

It's a freaking conspiracy, I tell ya!

Marla said...

Exactly! Then there is the evil cell phone alarm. Nobody told me I had to take it off of silent in order to hear it.

Pat Tillett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pat Tillett said...

my snooze alarm was supposesd to go off after 10 minutes. sometimes it would do that, but usually it would go off after only 1 or 2 minutes. Just enough time to fall back asleep. I swear, the damn clock would just sit there and mock me! Bastard!
Patrick Tillett, Extremely Overdue

Cheeseboy said...

I think your electronic devices are plotting to kill you because of your follower count. It's freaking me out!

River said...

Well, I don't exactly bound out of bed and I sure as heck don't do ten sun salutations, not even one, a half-hearted stretch is the most I manage, but I do wake up on time and get up when I need to. I don't even need the alarm, in fact I haven't set the alarm on my clock since the day I bought it. I go to sleep telling myself I need to be up at 4am, or 7am, whatever, and I wake up about 5 minutes before I need to be up. Done it all my life.

Flea said...

I don't need no stinkin' alarm. I bound out of bed at the butt-crack of dawn! Leap into the shower, dress and make up to the nines, and head ...

Oh, who am I kidding? Snooze, snooze, snooze. Stumble to the couch in my nightie and pick up the laptop.

Kyddryn said...

Oh, Mizz Pearl, please don't hate me...but I AM the alarm clock at Casa de Crazy. Tell me what time you want to be up and I'll wake you at that hour...even if I only went to bed a few hours ago myself. I haven't set my alarm in years.

I do not, however, do sun salutations or press fruits for breakfast - I find the exertion of brushing my hair and nuking sausage biscuits suffices for beginning my day.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K