A Seated-Massage Just After Lunch Would be Nice, Too

After nearly eight years of steady and righteous tax-paying employment at Acme Grommets and Sprockets, I have made a discovery. Something that changes how I see my job – nay, changes how I see my life.

You see, my office chair reclines.

I discovered this Wednesday morning, after having been out sick Monday and Tuesday. I came in, shedding several layers of clothing, all applied liberally for the Good-God-it’s-cold-and-dark walk to the bus – and all well within Human Resources’ silly restrictions, I’ll have you know – plopped down into my chair and –

Reclined.

I reclined by accident! It was an accident!

I can only assume that the look on my face, as I “discovered” office-chair reclining, mirrored the look I had the day I discovered “office fudge” (four packs of hot chocolate and not nearly enough hot water).

As my Grandma would say, Well, I’ll be…

I am torn between self-congratulations (What a fabulous work ethic you have, Citizen Worker!) and giving myself a dope-slap square to the center of the forehead for having had this same chair for almost eight years and never noticing that it reclines.

All this time...

So what else am I missing?

I mean, I’ve come to grips with the fact that all the people who appear to be muttering to themselves on the street are, in fact, talking on tiny, tiny telephones attached to their ears.

I got that.

And I got the fact that you can lock your car while walking away from it, that its headlights go out well after you’ve left the vicinity. I mean, I got that.

Duh.

Of course, I say all this after repeatedly preferring to believe that the people “talking on their phones” are actually talking to their imaginary friends; after locking my side of the car when leaving it (despite the driver’s assertions that they’ll do it, no worries); after telling people “your lights are on” only to be told, once again, that they’ll go off on their own.

So what else has been going on all around me whilst my head is in the clouds? Where are we with my desire to be able to snort “vitamin air”? How're we coming along with the spray-on face lift?

Where’s my Hover Car?!

I mean, yeah. I was astounded that my office chair reclined, but that was hours ago…