I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Oh, And I Took A Couple Hundred Out of Savings, Too

I went out last night. Beers were consumed, stories told, things got late. What I'm trying to say is that the following is a re-post from well over a year ago. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot bath to soak in...

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word: Snoring.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a quick nudge or a vigorous shaking of the bed. I file this under the category of him possibly thinking, whilst asleep, that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things: 1, that’s my name; 2, sounds like my wife, and 3, grblx zinkt offun garbin.

I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?”

“Sphurbim?”

“The letter from the IRS. Did you see it? The child support!”

Willie has no children, but he has stopped snoring. The room takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing has taken on an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

“Mmmm,” he says. “New tile.”

And that will take care of the snoring, usually for the rest of the night.

Good ol’ Willie. Long may he live.

21 comments:

Douglas said...

One word, Pearl, Alka-Seltzer. Ok, that may technically be two words. But the idea is valid. It actually works well on that certain morning after inconvenient feeling.

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

haha- I send my husband to the guest room.

Doreen F. McCabe said...

Okay Pearl, then heres the deal...no husbands in florida..but it won't be as much fun....you are FUNNY!!!!!!

Kavi said...

Ah ! party done !!

Canadianbloggergirl said...

My hubby snores with his hands up behind his head while lying on his back, if I happen to turn over I get a double pointed elbow in the eye/nose/mouth. I then just touch his vulnerable side in the ribs with one swift jab with my index finger. For some reason it works instantly!

CBG
canadianbloggergirl.blogspot.com

Jon in France said...

I snore, my wife snores, but neither of us badly, and neither wakes the other provided we're both asleep when the snoring begins.

If I get up for a pee in the night, however, trying to stop my dear wife from gently rumbling away is a real trick.

I've come close to using the pillow too.

powdergirl said...

I think I've said this here before, but: Women do not snore, pass wind, nor belch. Thats why we have to bitch and complain, we'd blow up if we didn't relieve all that pressure somehow.
yeah, my husband snores like a freight train, but I'm finding him very hard to kill with just a pillow. Gonna need the big-guns for that : )

Kal said...

Hey, get a good lawyer, don't say anything and remember that 'no body no crime' is a truth. There is reason why all his DNA is all over the house and with a bloodless murder he could have just very well have left to Malaysia on his own accord. Tell you what, let's do "Strangers on a Train" - I do your murder and you do mine - that paper boy has had it coming for a long time. He is just so smug and lord knows I hate smuggness most of all.

Kittie Howard said...

I couldn't get thru the nite without Macs (earplugs). Still, there are times when That Sound seeps thru...grrrr!

Hope you feel better soon!!

Jeanne said...

I'm trying it.

Cheeseboy said...

THis is so great. My wife sleep talks and I totally mess with her like this until she wakes up. It's the best but it always ends up with her smacking me and going back to bed.

Your husband snores, eh? There could be worse things...

Smart Mouth Broad said...

I got all excited because I thought Douglas was saying that alka-seltzer cures snoring until I realized he was talking about the hang-over. *sigh*

Lynn said...

I have four capital letters for you;

CPAP

Camille said...

I agree with Lynn, but let's mention it again...CPAP machine. Of course, it is rather like sleeping with Lloyd Bridges of Sea Hunt fame most nights. You know, the scuba-ish face mask shoving air up his nose and all. But nothing is perfect...except of course a bloodless murder committed through sleep deprivation. So the CPAP machine has been a lovely alternative. I just don't think I'd thrive in prison.

lunamother said...

Now wait just a darn minute, Missy.

We're building a brand new house and I just got our toilets from the Habitat for Humanity ReStore- one 1950's mint green, one 1980's baby blue and a gorgeous 1970's HARVEST GOLD.

I can't stand white fixtures...

Symdaddy said...

's funny you should re-post this article.

Last night (according to 'She who must be obeyed') I was snoring! Well, you know what I'm like Pearl! Remember that time in ... oh, what? Sorry! My bad!

Anyway, she claims to have given me a nudge (it's usually a good, solid punch) and told me to turn over.

My reply (still according to Her) was ...

"I've got no f****** bed left, woman!"

's a damned lie, is all I can say, and I'm gonna prove it with three (3) exclamation marks!!!

Women,eh? What are they like?

IndigoWrath said...

I never snore. Never. And anyone who says I do is sharing a bed with me, so is clearly deranged.

Gaston Studio said...

LOL Pearl! You've got way more patience than I do girl, I'd have sent him to the couch at the first snore.

Sausage Fingers said...

When my wee missus told me she was thinking about bringing a C-Pap into the bedroom, I got excited. I thought that one of my fantasies had come true. I was surprised to say the least.

KT said...

Yeah, my husband snores so he usually gets the poke and a command to sleep on his side. I think that the poke wakes him up enough that I couldn't slide a shopping spree or full day at the spa past him. Booo.

jenn said...

I went through this with my husband, too. I finally pressured him into having a sleep study, and it turned out that he had pretty severe sleep apnea. Now he sleeps with a CPAP machine, and I get to sleep, too. YAY!