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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Hey, What’s With All the Holes in Your Ceiling?

I sat at Mary’s house the other night. Bowls of home-made chili and slabs of freshly baked bread comfortably downed, we sat in the living room, her dog T-Bone, Black Lab of Incredible Sincerity, at our feet.

“Did Anna friend you?”

Anna was someone from our past, a woman with an insanely cheerful and ambitious sexual history. She told crazy stories, sometimes backed up with the craziest of photos.

“On FaceBook?” I asked. “Yeah, but we don’t talk.”

“You remember the sex swing?”

Well who could forget something like that?

The sex swing figured prominently in Anna’s stories, and Mary and I found ourselves wondering aloud as to why we didn’t own one, why we hadn’t been telling stories about the sex swing.

I could post a picture, of course, but a wink, as they say, is as good as a nod.

And after several off-color jokes and a colored-pencil-and-glued-macaroni diagram (we couldn’t find the glitter), we came up with several ideas as to why we had never owned a screwed-into-the-ceiling sexual-enhancement device.

In no particular order:
  • After finding a stud in the general populous, we’d have to find a stud in the ceiling. Have you seen me hang a picture? A nail pounded into a wall with the heel-end of a dress boot is my specialty.
  • Speaking of which, I’m going to need a full-color, instructional brochure. For educational purposes, of course.
  • What about the amount of exercise that would have to take place prior to getting into the swing. Who knows where those straps will cut? Control of the jiggle factor, to my mind, is crucial.
  • The drawing up and signing of the legal documents, holding me blameless and giving me rights to the story should anything untoward/amusing happen whilst strapped into the swing, would be prudent.
  • I would need to give ol’ Ron at Nationwide a call. Will my homeowner’s insurance cover enthusiastically-incurred injuries?
  • And speaking of insurance, do I have the money set aside to cover my medical deductible – and what are the odds of ending up in a Horrors of the Emergency Room video?
As you can see, Mary and I have put a lot of thought into this.

What can I say? That was some really good chili.

32 comments:

wozzel said...

hahaha! Coming from the Insurance industry myself (and not knowing all the rules and regulations that side of the world, of course) i would have to say your claim would most likey be repudiated.

It would bring the office down with laughter though when your claim forms are recieved :-p

Tempo said...

"should anything untoward/amusing happen"... Well now, thats a given, surely?! The mind boggles at the list of possible injuries, mishaps and funny stories that should...but couldnt be, repeated.
Still and all...

Symdaddy said...

If and when you end up in some disgustingly funny video ... I want a copy!!!

Gigi said...

I could definitely see a visit to the ER with a contraption like that!

Shieldmaiden96 said...

They have one that fits over a door, no installation required.

Just sayin'.

Simply Suthern said...

Ya know you are sposed to start those Kinda videos with the last words of a redneck.

"Hey y"all watch this"

Hope you are surviving the storm nice and warm.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

and you know that swing seat needs to "Sanitized For Your Protection". I womder if she'd drape a paper sash across the seat the way that housekeeping does on those upper crusty toilet seats.

"upper crusty toilet seat" that phrase just doesn't work does it?

Gary Baker said...

And there's me thinking a sex swing was dancing the Lindy Hop to Donna Summer's Love To Love You Baby. *drum-sting*
Remember that film Honey I Shrunk The Kids? In one scene Rick Moranis is looking for his teeny tiny kids while suspended in a sling-thing so he doesn't have to walk on the ground? I often wondered how he happened to have that hanging around...

A Mom on Spin said...

Perhaps this is the one time that a wink is not as good as a nod. . .

Charlotte Ann said...

is 'Googling "ceiling sex swing"

Will I have to have my computer santizied when I find the website?
Oh..and someone mentioned just the other day something about a door swing. I had one of those for Teddy when he was a baby..he loved it. I can't imagine that was what she was making reference to. I wish I could remember who I was having that conversation with because I would like to ask a few probing questions. ..OK..strike that adjective "probing". It wasn't used intentionally...oh hell..I'm rambling....

You've Got to Be Kidding Me said...

I recall a sex shop salesperson informing me that you can hang plants from the sex swing hooks when your parents visit. Not that I was THAT interested, but I did ask.

a Broad said...

I have been sick .. in bed. Now I am reading this, laughing, coughing and wondering, how exactly the Sex Swing works... Is it good for those with Low Energy? or No Energy ... I have to go back to bed and rest, this is too much to ponder.

Bossy Betty said...

You might just need extra medical insurance too--I'm just saying.

Ms Sparrow said...

I love the idea of hanging plants from the sex swing. I'm actually having a hard time visualizing how else it would work...I mean, really!

Flea said...

I was envisioning splinters, not strap marks. Might have to get me one of them there swings.

Oh, Liza Bean's belated birthday gift should be leaving Tulsa today. Dropped it at the post office this morning.

Jhon Baker said...

"...I'm going to need a full color instructional brochure" I read this in a tone of voice that reminds me of Hunter S Thompson and coffee nearly executed forth from my nose.

Sweet Cheeks said...

...see...this is why you can't go on vacation anymore.

Bahahahaha!
;-)

Roses said...

As a woman who refuses to do anything requiring props, a manual and an osteopath afterwards, I agree with you whole heartedly.

Eva Gallant said...

I am so glad I found this blog! You are hilarious!

Lynn said...

Love reading everything here!

Irisheyes said...

I am thinking I would also need to hire a "spotter" and then buy a safety net, helmet and goggles. I was a girl scout when I was young and know the importance of being prepared.

Helena said...

Oh Pearl, you've made my day AGAIN.

MJenks said...

"I could post a picture, of course, but a wink, as they say, is as good as a nod."

But only to a blind bat.

Say no more.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm glad to see that you've contemplated this so thoroughly. I suspect that my spreading derriere would need a sex sofa and a nice side table for the cup of tea.

Fragrant Liar said...

You had me at "You remember the sex swing?" Oh, but to have such nostalgia to fall back on.

Silliyak said...

This brings up the possible combination of two words which should NEVER be together..."Fractured" and "P...s"

Mrs. Winder said...

Plus, what would you tell people when they came over to visit? Would you offer it to be sat in? Yes, this is said with the assumption that your sex swing is in a room other than your bedroom. And because it would make for such radical conversations upon having visitors, I say it's in place of a dining room chair.

Lisa @ Grandma's Briefs said...

You've got me wondering now about all the odd holes in the ceiling of the house we moved into a few years ago. Hmmm... Too funny!

River said...

A sex swing? What the heck is a sex swing?
on second thought, don't tell me.
I'm way too old to be trying to contort myself into one of those things.

Rob said...

Okay now this is absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much for the laugh.

Do you have this Anna's number? Just wondering?

Gaston Studio said...

LOL! I'd have the same thoughts as you guys which is sad in a way because maybe we're all missing out on some unusual fun.

Laurie said...

You crack me up! Thank you for visiting my blog so I could come and find yours! Still laughing...