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Sunday, September 5, 2010

No, Really. I'm Not Making It Up.

As one could imagine about someone who writes every day, I like to spend a certain amount of my life with no actual connection to reality. I find it just works better with my line of thinking.

My favorite fantasies include a mixture of what could conceivably happen with what could never. In other words, in my head, it is possible for me to rescue Elvis Presley from drowning immediately following winning the gold medal for weightlifting.

I actually find that my best daydreaming is done in that nebulous time between awake and asleep. I love that region, by the way. It’s like a tiny little vacation.

My favorite late-night fantasy, the one I’ve been lulling myself to sleep with lately, involves my having become a highly respected clarinet player, swinging, Benny-Goodman style, with a 40-piece band behind me. Gene Krupa is our steady drummer and a helluva guy if you can keep him off the sauce. Billie Holiday sometimes joins us for a song or two, rising from the table she keeps up front when she knows we’re in town. She plays a hot game of craps and most of the band owes her money.

We play all the hottest spots. Our crowds are hep cats who show up late and host outrageous after-bar parties. My best friends are L’il Jack, Midge, and Paulie, people who wear vintage clothing and pull short, unfiltered cigarettes from mother-of-pearl cases. Paulie and Midge have been together since forever, but Li’l Jack plays the field. He’s such a hoot.

I am known as a generous soul, and I am forever being approached by people who had been mean to me in high school and now want to apologize.

They are always profuse with their regrets: “Pearl, we had no idea! Please forgive us for not having recognized your coolness sooner!”

If my difficult childhood has taught me anything, it’s how to be humble in the face of groveling; and I have the bartender send their table a round of drinks, on my tab, just to show them that there are no hard feelings. This sometimes leads to misunderstandings, though, and my now-fans try to get closer than I am comfortable with. ‘Hey, Pearl, I love your shoes. So where’s the band going after?’

When I have to make it clear to them, no offense intended, that they just don’t fit into the crowd I hang with, they are always a little saddened. There are the inevitable tears as the truth of my words sink in; and I am forced to reflect, once again, on the responsibility that my genius carries.


Simply Suthern said...

Well I can see how being a weightlifting champion could be useful in rescuing Elvis. Especially in his later years.

Being cool brings great responsibilty.(Misquoted from Spiderman) Wield it carefully.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl, you've stolen my life! And it was such a nice one, tho I'm in the hole for twenty big ones with Billie. Still. GIVE IT BACK! Indigo

Irish Gumbo said...

Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

See, I'm cool being all literary like that, quoting Shakespeare...no, wait, it was Limp Bizkit what said that.

(googling) darn. Yeah, Billy Boy said "Uneasy is the head...). Rats. Do I still get points for the Bizkit reference? 'Cause I really want to be cool enough to hang out with your band. :)

Sam Liu said...

Pearl, I do so love the intricate workings of your mind. We happen to share a bit in common, for I too have crazy dreams about highly unlikely to impossible scenarios in that funny little spot between being awake and being asleep. The other night, I imagined I was having afternoon tea with Oscar Wilde :D

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl, we had no idea! Please forgive us for not having recognized your coolness sooner!

powdergirl said...

Hah! I googled "Cool", and up popped your pic!

Lisa said...

And here I am wasting my time rearranging furniture in my fantasies. Yours is way better.

Georgina Dollface said...

Ahh, the "They'll be sorry they ever snubbed me" fantasy. Yes, it has put me to sleep many a night. These days it's about me becoming the next big-thing-blogger, revealing my awesomeness and coming out from behind my pen-name then walking in and telling my co-workers, "Yes, that famous blogger is ME and I've just signed a book deal. Bu-bye!" - G

Jhon Baker said...

"and I am forced to reflect, once again, on the responsibility that my genius carries."
great last line! Best to Salinger the fans though. buy them drinks and put rufies in them to make your escape and be able to laugh about it later.

Douglas said...

"I actually find that my best daydreaming is done in that nebulous time between awake and asleep. I love that region, by the way. It’s like a tiny little vacation."

It's like being stoned but without the pesky paranoia of a police raid... or the ugly track marks. Please do not ask me how I know this.

My favorite period of this "not quite asleep" is in the morning when I am fighting against waking up because I know what that means.

I have won fair damsels, righted great wrongs, vanquished my older brother (many, many times), and won several prestigious awards.

Casey Freeland said...

Sookie knows Elvis as well. That's so cool. You two shouuld hook up. Your mutual dinner parties would be aaahhwesummmm.



Cheeseboy said...

Those are some pretty heavy fantasies. I hope you are thinking skinny Elvis.

Kevin Musgrove said...

It's pretty much just like that working in a library. There are days when I think the reference library's a bit heavy on Jack Teagarden, though.

Irisheyes said...

HA!! Pearl, I knew you were cool even before you hit the big time. I saw your show in Vegas. You never sent me a drink though. People know me as Mary Long Toes, look me up next time you are in town!