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Friday, September 3, 2010

No Jury Will Convict Me

Friday’s back, and as we seem none the worse for the wear of the week, why not blunder blithely into the golden-hued expanse of time at the end of it?

Around these parts, we call it “the weekend”.

Oh, but if only there were some way of finding out what we could expect!

But wait! There is!

It’s my iPod! The dulcet tones of this morning’s commute have the following to say about what lies ahead:

Look At Yourself by Uriah Heep
Stormbringer by Deep Purple
Just Dropped In (to see what condition my condition was in) by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition
Ramble On by Led Zeppelin
40 Miles to Vegas by Southern Culture on the Skids
Shout Me Out by TV on the Radio

Hmmm. Looks like some traveling! Apropos of the Labor Day Weekend, don’t you think?

So it turns out, on this, The Day Of My 802nd Post, that I could be going away.

Not “going away” as in “we’ve got a cute little place up on the Boundary Waters” but “going away” as in “did you hear about Pearl? She killed some guy over an argument at the copier. She’s going to have to go away for a while.”

That information is incorrect. It wasn’t the copier. It was far more important than that.

Who kills over a copier?

It wasn't a copier, for cryin' out loud.

It was a printer.

“Pearl, the printer’s jammed.”

We have roughly 3,800, maybe 4,000 people using the printer near my desk. I may be exaggerating – just for effect, of course – but suffice it to say that the printer is an integral part of office life. I know it, you know it, and that guy over there knows it.

And when you walk away from a jammed printer?

You’re walking away from a jammed America.

Why do you hate America?

How hard would it be to pull the paper out of the printer, to open the little doors, maybe pull out the toner cartridge to look for your printout? Granted, it would be harder than, say, walking away, wouldn’t it, but where would you derive your satisfaction? How could you look back on the day and think to yourself, “My, but that was a well-fought day.”

You couldn’t.

Abandoning the printer like that is something we here at Acme Grommets and Placemats look down upon.

“Pearl, the printer’s jammed.”

How could you just walk away from our little constipated printer?

How could you?

Whoever clogged this up better hope that the e-mail that did it doesn’t have their name on it.


If you need me, I’ll be over here, at the printer, un-jamming its clots of paper and plotting someone’s demise.


Fred Miller said...

I'm so proud of you for having Kenny Rogers on your iPod. It shows courage.

The Fred Effect

Jocelyn said...

You are all about perspective for me, chica. Here I was, bemoaning the lack of a printer this year when I'll be homeschooling the kids, and now you've reminded me of how glad I should be not to be saddled with such a stress-inducer!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Poor Kenny. That plastic surgery he had was a disaster.

I always get called to fix the printer. Secretly, I wish the jammed paper I pull out would be the blue prints of some diabolical government sting operation, but it usually turns out to be a pot roast recipe and sometimes a list of employees who spend too much time blogging. *cough*

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I was annoyed right away that people expect YOU to deal with the printer simply because its near your desk. I think I'd have to say "Yeah, I don't know what happened; I haven't used it today."

Anonymous said...

Mornin'Pearl; Poor Kenny - all these years later and his face is still too tight. Come to think of it - so's Dolly. Perhaps they were done together. But I do love he's on your ipod rotation...so cheeky.

Yankee Gal

savannah said...

i'm all for office harmony (and fighting the urge to go postal), but i'm with shieldmaiden: why is it YOUR job to unjam the printer? i also like her answer, but then again, there's a reason why i can't get hired in this town anymore... ;~D have a grand weekend, sugar!

Bossy Betty said...

Ohhhh, now you've got Betty all worked up. I am in charge of getting new toner for the printer in our office. People will actually print out 100 handouts instead of one and going to the Xerox machine.

Ooooooooooo........Pearl. It's going to take more than music to get me calmed down now....

Cheeseboy said...

Thank goodness I don't have to be in charge of the printer or copier. Those things are Satan's tools I tell you... SATAN'S TOOLS!

Douglas said...

We had laser printers all over the place so no one could avoid the responsibility when one jammed. Which they did. Regularly. It was the Great Monster Copier Machine that was kept in a room almost by itself, near the Cabinet of Goodies (as we called the supply cabinet where the pens, pencils and sundry other goods were kept until we could pilfer them for use at home). The multiple reams of paper were also kept in that cabinet. Between the seemingly constant lack of paper in the paper tray and the weirdly impossible to comprehend (or find) paper jams in the copier, management finally decided to have us log in to the copier in order to use it. I retired soon after. These two events are not related, I swear.

Gigi said...

I understand your predicament as I have unofficially been proclaimed the Copier Queen. But after having to fix what other people have "tried to fix" I'd much rather they didn't touch the damn thing - because usually whatever they've "fixed" has made it worse! *sigh* Thank God I had today off.

a Broad said...

It is raining here ..
Again ...
I am listening to this ...

Oh, I somehow, in all my years and jobs, never had anything to do with a copier.. am I lucky or what ? :)

Sam Liu said...

Printers and copiers are the spawn of Satan, I'm glad you agree. Ghastly, ghastly contraptions.

Wishing you a great weekend :)

Simply Suthern said...

I always enjoyed opening doors and drawers to remove the little paper accordian with the Rorschach Inkblot on it. Well I did till you equated it with constipation. Now I just dont know if I can do it again.

I had Deep Purple's Machinehead Album on a bootleg 8 track when I was a youngin.

ellen abbott said...

If someone hollered at me that the printer was jammed I think my reply would be along the lines of...well, then, you should probably unjam it.

5thsister said...

Oh Pearl..I work in health care and in my line of work if the the nurse can't figure out what's wrong with the patient they call my department. Why not the doctor? I don't know. I guess we just work miracles but some things are out of my scope of practice!

Funny, relate-able post!

lisleman said...

Oh I so glad I stopped over here. Not the printer story - oh good - just like Office Space.
No it's another gem of knowledge I got from reading blogs. SCOTS band - I never heard of them until now. From wikipedia, it appears I need to check them out. "perform songs about dancing, sex, and fried chicken" - the perfect combination - it's making me hunger.

Tempo said...

My, but we are being titchy lately....

Kal said...

Uriah Heap? Sinth when has anyone quoted Uriah Heap. It'bs been the sevententies, a decade we both know too well.."cabbage rolls and coffee... mm mmm good. That and killer buggs that bursts into flame. Hold me kitty kat.

sage said...

That's olk Kenny Rogers. And it sounds like the guy deserves a killing! But wait, are you sure it was a guy who messed it up?

Argent said...

In my office I am Queen of Printers - only MY computer will print out to the single printer we have here, bwahahaha! Downside: I get tons of emails begging me to print stuff. Upside: I get to see what folks are printing.

Symdaddy said...

Printers? Don't talk to me about bleedin' printers!

I used to work in the R&D Centre for (now defunct) Nixdorf Computer AG in Germany.

Printer bust?

"No prob's folks." my boss would croon.

"Laserdaddy ..." (Symdaddy to be) "... will be along in a moment to fix it!"

I left trail of dead program developers in my wake ... but I fixed the printers!