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Thursday, September 23, 2010

Next Thing You Know, There's a Guy With a Hook for a Hand at the Front Door...

I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in my sleep patterns, and I think you should know about it.

Here it is: Every night, I wake up at 3:06. Every single night.

Of course it’s to use the bathroom; and I’ve come to terms with that.

What amazes me, though, is that it’s always at 3:06. Always.

Twenty-five years ago, this would’ve wigged me right out. I would have already fashioned some either horribly gory tale about the dreadful murders that took place in my house at exactly 3:06 or a poignant tale of unrequited love that, well, somehow involves the numbers three-oh-six.

I haven’t quite worked that one out yet.

And why? Because I’m a silly, gullible American made permanently irrational and superstitious by years of crap Hollywood movies, that’s why.

Dead people coming to life after they’ve been drowned/burned/thrown out of airplanes/blown into space? Well how else are we going to milk this to a sequel? Places everybody! The producers have a boat payment to make!

People leaping out of ridiculously improbable locations? Hey! Who doesn’t have something bursting through the interior of their waterbed? I’ll buy that! Oh, and when the "director's cut" comes out, I'll buy that, too!

Phone calls from beyond the grave predicting my imminent demise and what?! I can't hear you! Speak up! What do you mean “will I accept the charges”?

Thanks, Hollywood.

Of course, I’m better now. Older and wiser and all that.

Unless of course I’m in the basement and the light goes out.

Or if I repeatedly get phone calls with no one on the other end.

No, really. I’m better now; and 3:06 or no 3:06, by 3:08 I’m back in bed, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) curled up next to Willie, Dolly G. Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) pushing her wet little nose into my ear.

Now let’s see ‘em ruin that.

30 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl--Don't worry. The murders actually took place at 3:10.

Simply Suthern said...

My preconcsious wake up is 5:30. 30 min prior to the alarm. I won't go back to sleep if I don't go the the bathroom. But then after that I tend to oversleep the alarm.

My philosophy on movies is, If ya cant kill it I dont wanna watch it. That includes popping up out of the ground at the end of the movie.

Courtney said...

The reason your love is unrequited? Unbeknownst to you, your beloved was victim #306.

Fred Miller said...

I wouldn't trust that Liza Bean. And you know how malleable Willie is. I don't see how you ever fall asleep at all. And 3 is a prime number. And 6 is the product of two prime numbers. Mm. I just don't know.

On Being a Submissive Wife

Pearl said...

Betty, I feel better now that I still have a couple of minutes to, psychically, anyway, get out of the house...

Simply, I agree! Now if only I could go back and re-do some of my formative years!

Courtney, is that why he never calls?!

Oh, geez, Fred, I hadn't considered that. And the way I play with numbers, I'm surprised!

Cheeseboy said...

What if you have a long lost twin in Canada that is waking up every morning at 3:06 too... wondering why she is waking up every morning at 3:06???

Douglas said...

I think I know why you awake with that urge at 3:06. Because at 3:05...

Dolly G. Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers) pushing her wet little nose into my ear.

Kelly said...

I went through a period of a few months where I would wake up from a nightmare at 3:45am every single night. A friend of my mom's told me it was because that was the time I was abducted by aliens. Did I mention she was a whackjob?

Kal said...

Okay. That just freaked me out. Unless you never realized that the alarm was broken and permanently set at 3:06 - no, you would have noticed it blinking. Damn girl, you is strange. Now watch me get up at the same time for the next month - only adjusted to my time zone.

Symdaddy said...

That is really strange Pearlchen! I mean ... I sneak out of your place every morning at 3:05 and I've never seen anything that could possibly wake you up.

Get a bigger bladder and you'll sleep through.

thedailyg said...

I thought I was totally over the ghost-phobia that plagued my childhood; I was watching a horror alone at night just a few days back and got spooked, anticipating some apparition popping out from behind the sofa or appearing in the blackness of the screen when it cut to the ads...

"What, you think evil ghosts have been waiting all these years for you to lapse out of vigilance just so they can catch you unawares during a horror-movie!? God I'm a moron."

I think a problems is, you get schooled in the vocabulary of what works in horror-movies so: a) you invent genuinely scary possibilities and b) you anticipate them everywhere like an OCD germ-phobe.

G

mrwriteon said...

What? At 3:06? Me too. No, I am kidding. I do, however, have an uncanny ability to reasonably accurately predict what time the clock will say when I awaken to pee in the wee smalls. If I think, say, 3:06 (oh, why not?) then it probably will be.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

I have been waking up at 3:05 and then can't back to sleep for 1/2 hour or so. How about I give you a call and we can chat for a minute or two? No wait. What time zone are you in again? Never mind! Sweet Dreams Pearl!

Fragrant Liar said...

Is 3/06 your b-day by chance? My daughter always got up at 3:22 every night. It was her birth date.

If you will it to be so, it will!

In case you wanted any psycho babble to help you get through the night.

lettucehead said...

It's probably just your body in a routine of waking at that hour to use the restroom.. but I honestly can't figure out the meaning of the EXACT time.

Damn those American horror movies!

a Broad said...

Oh God, I remember those In the Middle of the Night scenarios !
Now I just lay there, waiting for the sun to come up , cuz I am sure I will not fall asleep. I often lie there and think would anyone notice if I got up and cooked and maybe vacuumed? Right around then, I fall asleep and wake surprised that nothing is cooked and the dust bunnies are still there.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I used to do similar. Then I took the clock out of the room. After a couple of weeks, I stopped waking up. It was like I was waking up to check the time. Now, I don't. Word. Or whatever hip kids say these days. Indigo

Wow, that was awkward said...

Now that you have come to terms with it, will you freak out if you stop waking up at 3:06? What will that mean?!

Gigi said...

Hmmmm, about the time you start to notice the pattern and begin to wonder about it is usually when the horror begins........

Kristy said...

Don't tell me you don't know the one about the woman that slept next to her dog, and always had him lick her hand to let her know he was there. {long story short} the note on her pillow that said "people can lick hands too."

ISRAEL CARRASCO said...

That is freaky. Don't worry it's only ghosts

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I suspect all of us followers will awake at 3:06am tomorrow morn, now that you've firmly implanted that time into our little brains. In fact, I propose we meet up in the blogosphere at that time (CST) for a drink. But then, we'll have to pee 10 minutes after falling back to sleep, so, never mind.
xoRobyn

Aria said...

It's my birthday, and you're obviously feeling SO astronomically guilty for not buying me something really big and wonderful. In line with your activities at that time of night, a golden toilet should quell your guilt enough to remain asleep.

Slamdunk said...

That would be annoying. Here a regular early wake-up can be blamed on the newspaper delivery folks and their loud car--and we don't even get the paper.

Jon in France said...

306, 308 - both marques of Puegeot automobiles. These things are seldom co-incidence; someone in the Great Beyond has taken control of your bladder to suggest you buy a car? Something horrible is going to happen to the Number 10? It could easily star Bruce and Sandra this one.

Catherine said...

Thank you for popping over and visiting my blog!

Disturbed sleep... I know it well! :)

Tempo said...

I need you do something to test a theory I have Pearl my dear, either have your last drink five minutes later, or change your clock to read five minutes earlier to see what happens.
NB: I take no responibility for any knife weilding, axe chopping or chainsaw slashing that might or might not take place.

Andrea said...

I wake around that time too. Even when I'm all sleeping pill induced. Weird. Total domination world theory? Aliens? Something going on...

Kevin Musgrove said...

Have you considered that perhaps it's your waking up that makes it 3:06? Before you wake up it's unconsolidated time with an equal probability it could be any time at all.

That's how I'm explaining that dinosaur footprint in my bathroom anyway.

Pearl said...

I love every single one of you. THe comments! You guys are just hilarious!