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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Everybody’s Somebody’s Monkey

Let me just step out onto a limb here and say that one thing I think we can all agree on is that what this country needs is a good Chore Monkey.

Tired of scraping your own dishes? Don’t think you should be the one to run to the gas station for cigarettes, even if you’re the one planning to smoke them? Are you thinking that even a monkey would do a better job of painting your toenails than you just did?

See? This is what I’m talking about.

The Chore Monkey.

Sure, sure, I can hear you now. Chore Monkey? Isn’t that why I had kids?

Well, sure it is! But I challenge you to put a four-year-old boy and a four-year-old chimp in a race to the corner store and you tell me which one makes it back first. My money’s on the chimp.

And let’s not even get started with how Child Protective Services views a Chore Baby. Sure, you put a monkey in a pair of painter’s pants and a cap and hang him outside the second floor to clean your windows and it’s cute; but you dress up your toddler like that and let him clean the windows and suddenly there are vehicles equipped with flashing lights and sirens in front of your house.

No, no. Let’s stick with a Chore Monkey. I can make up that weird little room under the stairs, clear a shelf in my fridge – he can even borrow the car as long as he puts gas in it.

And lest you think me unfeeling, I’m offering four weeks’ paid vacation a year. And sick days. And a 401(k) retirement plan.

Wait a minute. I’ve just gotten a very uncomfortable feeling here.

Is it possible that I’m somebody’s monkey?

32 comments:

Georgina Dollface said...

Good point. Someone should open up a temp agency for chimps. Everyone's always complaining that "a monkey could do that job" when referring to their esteemed cubicle neighbours, so why not set up a place where people can hire those monkeys. And besides we need a place to put "everyone and their monkey" because they are always showing up at things. "Everyone and their monkey was at the mall today. Everyone and their monkey wants to be on American Idol. Everyone and their monkey..." - G

ellen abbott said...

One of the great disappointments of my life along with no flying cars is that the monkey butlers never happened either.

Big Fat Gini said...

I can't even get my (almost) 11 year old to empty the dishwasher. I think a Chore Monkey sounds like a great idea. Mostly because I'm pretty sure that in a race with my toddlers, the monkey would come home without candy shaped like Spongebob or Dora.

Symdaddy said...

What would my wife do with a chore monkey?


She has me!


I'd be out of a job!!!

Fred Miller said...

We have several friends who are couples in the same situation as we are, the wife uses a wheelchair and the husband is the "service monkey." We guys were talking about our roles as service monkeys on day when one of the wives thought we said "service honky". So now we're "service honkies".

Will Burke said...

But on the flip side, are they ever out of diapers?

Simply Suthern said...

While the Chore Monkey Tag would fit like a glove I prefer to consider myself a High Tech Maintenance person.

Don't work the Monkey to hard or you'll have to kiss your shot at the Jane Goodall award goodbye.

lisleman said...

We should form an army of monkeys and have them attack the PETA HQ.
Oh if you are looking for a monkey, here in Illinois we have this ex-gov that is looking for some work. You just need to put a camera and microphone in front of him and he'll do anything.

Sam said...

Now I know where I've been going wrong all these years-no need to ask my husband to take out the garbage for 80milliondieth time (and then just end up taking it out myself) I'll just hire a chore monkey. And when I get bored- I can dress him up in overalls and a peddler's cap and make him do a jig.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearly Girly,

Don't you remember the last time you tried a chore monkey?

Banana peels all over the floor, mail mysteriously opened, and don't forget about all those charges to your pay per view cable bill. 'Animals Gone Wild' and 'Dolittle Does Dallas' ring any bells?

I personally rely on garden gnomes. Though fairly cranky, they're much more reliable.
=]

Tamsin said...

All this monkey talk is freakin' me out, yo.

CAT said...

Wait...did you say something about "chumps"?

Jhon Baker said...

monkeys are my second favorite animal - only the noble cow beats it out - possibly because it is so delicious.

Barbara Blundell said...

Are you an experienced enough to start your own business "Chore Monks for Every Occasion "and rent them out ? You could train them to be obedient and helpful or destructive and objectionable and then choose the recipients

Kal said...

I will change my child's diaper but I will be damned if I will change some monkey's diaper no matter how clean my windows are. Plus there is always that 'face ripping' thing they can do without warning - especially when their diaper is full - to be honest I get the same way when I need to be changed.

a Broad said...

" Everybody loves somebody's monkey" -- Frank Sinatra sang it ..

I know nuttin about Chore Monkeys.. but I have a Pup ... hmmm.. chore pup?

WrathofDawn said...

Garden Gnomes are also toilet trained.

BUT! then there's this just waiting to be picked as a theme song.

Decisions, decisions.

mrwriteon said...

Like Connie Francis sang: "Everybody's Somebody's Monkey," and she should know.

Lisa said...

I have a name plate that reads Chore Simian. Is that the same thing?

Pearl said...

There's also Dean Martin's "You're No Monkey Until Some Monkey Loves You".

:-)

And Lisa? The answer is "yes". :-D

Joe's blog said...

Thank you :-)))
Yes, Mercedes Benz is wonderful. I love it and sing it often too.
:-)))

Shrinky said...

Hey girl, speaking as someone who once OWNED and RAN a group of temp agencies, you are sooo preaching to the converted!

Sadly, I am now married and converted into a house-slave.. even having to buy my own cigarettes, but thanks for reminding me of my glory days (sighhh).

Theresa Milstein said...

I feel like a chore monkey sometimes too.

Did you see the chore monkey type in "Malcolm in the Middle"? He turned bad and tried to kill his master. No chore monkeys for me!

LTM said...

I vote yes for chore monkey. Where do I sign? ;p

MA Fat Woman said...

I think at one point or another we are all somebody's monkey!

Vicki Rocho said...

hahaha! This is fantastic! I want to order a Chore Monkey...maybe two. Y'know, in case #1 is off at the store and I need something done around the house.

Cloudia said...

we all are..get in the tree.....


:)

Warm Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Would this same monkey be everyone's chore monkey? I hope he'll have a good vacation and benefits plan.
xoRobyn

The Jules said...

Is throwing poo a chore?

I've always thought of it as a hobby.

lettucehead said...

Loved the humor, Pearl.

Tempo said...

The worst possible thing that can happen to one's chore monkey is that they finally realise that THEY are the chore monkey. Damn, you've realised!

Kittie Howard said...

You've got a great writing voice. And love your humor, Pearl! So much hits the nail...er, monkey, on the head.