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Sunday, August 29, 2010

When Pearl's Away, Both the Cat AND the Mice Play

I thought the woman would never leave. And now that she’s out…

Don’t get me wrong. The woman is, shall we say, a fully adequate housekeeper. My meals are on time and acceptable to me. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

But she is not nearly as observant as she believes she is.

I’ve been here for three years now. My real name is unpronounceable to most, but she did get one thing right: I am of the Minneapolis Biteys, and the name Liza Bean works for me.

It’s the perfect cover, really.

It’s true, of course, that I’m a cat. All the best creatures are. Well, other than Dolly G. Squeakers. Dolly G./Dahli Gee/The Thorn in My Side is a ridiculous animal, a simple-minded puss whose idea of wit is to take unwarranted swipes at me whilst I sleep.

Ha ha! When the revolution comes, she will be my servant.

In the meantime, I endure Dolly’s taunts and vapid mewing.

But the fact that I’m tiny for my age, that I’m delightfully and symmetrically striped, that I curl up into an adorable ball and sleep on laps?

Like I said: the perfect cover.

She’ll be back soon, and while I realize she will see this post and know I was here, it will be worth the confusion on her face.

Quickly. Back to the original intent of this communiqué.

Francois et Marcel: Mes amis, mon homme vous contractera dans les prochains jours, d’ac?
Chiara: The size and quality of the gems received is incredible. Grazie.
Vlad: Call me on the secured line this evening. The financing is arranged.

There’s the sound of the key in the lock downstairs. I must leave now. I still have things to hide in her shoes before she returns. I know it’s childish of me, but I can’t resist. The fish I left in her jacket pocket this past summer and the look on her face when she found it is still a cherished memory of mine.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is between us, yes?

Oh, and the password, Pearl? Your mother’s maiden name?

Child’s play.


Simply Suthern said...

Liza, 2 Words for you. Homeland Security is watching you. Well thats 5 but just know they are in on your little scheme. Dont you be draggin Pearl into this.

Argent said...

You've done well, but maybe you should have written this in some sort of code. All us dim humans can read it easily.

Symdaddy said...

Very funny, but I'm very worried about you being on your own.

Lisa said...

I'm reading this with a small, adorable cat draped across my shoulders like a stole. She read this over my shoulder and whispered in my ear "Don't even think about it."

She knew I was about to change my password.

CatLadyLarew said...

Oh, Liza Bean... you sneaky puss, you!

Sam Liu said...

Liza Bean, you minx, you! I can't wait for the revolution, we'll show those dastardly owners what we cats are capable of.

Sam's cat :D

Casey Freeland said...

If you can open your own cans of food, then you're good to go. Otherwise, Pearl may use this note as a means of bringing down your operation. Sloppy Liza Bean. Truly sloppy.

Good luck with that.


WrathofDawn said...

Dearest Liza Bean: (I can pronounce your real name, of course, but will not write it here for security purposes.)

I desperately need your help. Those vapid cats from Alberta are here AGAIN. The human (I have been fortunate in my assigned human as she understands her place and provides noms and herbs at acceptable times and doesn't ask stupid questions) keeps them contained in the family room at night so that I can sleep in uninterrupted peace, but it galls me to even have those little vipers under MY roof.

You know what I'm asking. If you can arrange it soonest I'll be forever grateful.

Riley the Wondercat

P.S. - Please ignore the foolish name the humans have given me. I deign to answer to it but only in exchange for noms and catnip... wheee! CATNIP! pprrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....

Gigi said...

Miss Liza Bean - what are we going to do with you? I have a feeling after this little escapade Pearl may put you on lockdown.

Herding Cats said...

You left that fish out of love, right?

a Broad said...

Hey, Pussycat ! This is Pup.
Has your Pearl told you about me ? No ? Hmmmm... maybe she was keeping it for a surprise... well, since the cat is out of the bag now..oops, pardon the pun .. Pearl is thinking of getting a dog.
Mama is convincing her to get one just like me.
I love pussycats. I used to have one. He died of old age. I need a new one.. wanna come live here?
Talk later.. chau, as Mama says. Pup

Irish Gumbo said...

As clever as you are, my furred friend, never forget...you don't have opposable thumbs. This I am sure you know, limits what you might accomplish. Now, if you learn to curse and compose poetry, you might be able to overcome the thumbs problem.

Until then, you may want to consider "paw-friendly" weaponry...and lets hope when the revolution comes, you don't end up being first against the wall! Salute, comrade!

Lynn said...

You are WAY too much fun!

Cheeseboy said...

I am still amazed that you can come up with brilliance EVERY DAY!

W.C.Camp said...

It concerns me a bit that your cat speaks better French than I? W.C.C.

Gaston Studio said...

What a fun read on a Monday morn!

darsden said...

So many A.K.A.s around here I have no clue where I am ... and more importantly ..who are all you people!