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Saturday, August 28, 2010

Not All the Notes in My "Ideas" Notebook are Created Equal

Knowing that I may lose whatever respect you may have developed for me – that is respect you’re developing for me, right? – it is possible that the time has come to expand on the note I scribbled in my notebook a month ago.

The note?

“My son’s got gas.”

So small, isn’t it? A four-word sentence with more gravity, more depth, than one little sentence has a right to.

It’s not like there isn’t a warning beforehand. There’s a look on his face that I’ve come to recognize, immediately followed by a two-word precursor to a potentially life-changing event. Like the imperious command of “Scratch” – my cue to run my nails along his back until I am dismissed – there is also a far more subtle “Hey, Mom” – followed by an almost Mona-Lisa-like smile – that makes me run out of the room.

Why would a loving mother, a woman interested in what comes after “hey…” no matter who says it, go skittering out of a room as fast as possible after such a statement?

Because like I said, my son’s got gas.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not regular gas; not “whoops! sorry about that” gas; but hair-frying, clothes-wrinkling, room-clearing gas.

I hold myself responsible. Was it something I ate during pregnancy? Should I have not eaten only Mexican food, potatoes drenched in Tabasco, those little canned oranges and, so help me God, canned sardines?

Perhaps it has something to do with my weather-predicting hair? Could the ability to stenchify whole rooms be The Boy’s equivalent of my ability to detect humidity?

I’ve lost your respect, haven’t I?

27 comments:

Herding Cats said...

Maybe it's something he's eating? I would just febreeze him to death!

Fred Miller said...

I love it when Garrison Keillor gets a whole auditorium full of NPR listeners laughing their asses off at fart jokes. I've heard him do it.

a Broad said...

My husband had a friend, he was well into his years, he still had gas and didn't even have the courtesy of saying 'Hey Mom' etc... so just saying, you might be talking about something that is not going away.

Georgina Dollface said...

Well, at least he does give you a warning. The SBD's (silent but deadly) are the worst. - G

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Oddly, Pearl, this post only makes me love you that much more...

"hair frying gas"

heh

Rene

Lisa said...

Your stock just went up with me. You just gave me stenchify, a very useful word in our house.

Carol said...

Now I know you are just like me, alone in a world of other peoples stenches!

CatLadyLarew said...

Ah, how quickly we blame ourselves for our children's less attractive traits! Yeah... must have been all that Mexican food! (He can blame you when he goes to therapy later on.) I know I have SO much to answer for!

Casey Freeland said...

Febreeze smells like insect repellant. Most likely what he's eating now, not what you ate when he was livin' off your umbilical. That and his own internal chemical make-up, which you won't be able to do anything about. Can you bottle it? Maybe you could make a buck for your discomfort. Oh, see, now I've lost YOUR respect.

I suggest, if I may, helping him with the social advantages of using the bathroom for his skunky explosions.

Cheers and good luck!

Casey

Becky C. said...

Light a match... No, wait. That's not such a good idea after all!

The Jules said...

You've lost it, but he's totally gained it!

Crack on, mate

Gigi said...

Why do I have a feeling that The Boy and Man-Child would get along famously? But, I also have a very strong feeling that it wouldn't be a good idea to have them both in a closed space (like a house!) together......

Mamma has spoken said...

If he's all boy, not only does he give you a little warning, he's also proud of the stench that comes out of him. I'm sure he tells you how much he likes his smell and will make comparisons about it. Or at least that's what my sons do ;o)

Chantel said...

Isn't there some kind of contest with medals for this?? Can he list it on his resume'? Lets get creative: he could be hired by college bars to come in at closing time....

dogimo said...

Man. I wish all I had to do was say "scratch."

Simply Suthern said...

I cant think of a thing to blog about and all I had to say was I farted? I'm starting a list of embaressing bodily functions.

GTChristie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
GTChristie said...

To your final question: yes, you've lost it.

But I'll be back tomorrow.

W.C.Camp said...

Respect - what's that ... you are a blogger, did you ever have respect? As far as the gas goes, when I first read that sentence I thought your kid drove to Mobil and filled up his tank. But apparently he walked to the fridge instead but the END result was very very different. W.C.C.

Kelley said...

Well, yes, you totally did UNTIL I read the part about the Mona Lisa smile. I could totally see it and identify with it then. Ha!! And ew...

loveable_homebody said...

I sympathize with your son.

Under the Influence said...

What is it about boys and their stinky gas? And the fact that the wrinkled it is, the funnier it is. At least that's how it goes at my house.

Tempo said...

Next time you run out of the room... run back in with the most flowery air freshner you can find and proceed to spray the heck out of him... A few times of that and he'll be running out of the room to pass wind.

Symdaddy said...

Cork his ass!

Bossy Betty said...

Hummm.. My guess is there are worse things in that notebook, Missy.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yes there's something about boys and gas that just connect. They're proud of their smells. The more obnoxious the stench the more pride they have. They're the same with their solid excretions. If they produce something that was like birthing a calf, they're sure to let everyone know. Some may take photos. I'm just saying.

darsden said...

hahaha, there is a nephew (and my favorite) but he is forever banned from even looking at my bathroon!!! I smell you on this one too..