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Sunday, August 22, 2010

Metalheads Discovered in the Wild. Captive Metalheads Pump Fists in Jubilation.

In a discovery that both shocked and reassured headbangers around the world, metalheads, after being spotted for almost 20 years by only the very drunk, were once again found in the wild.

Lured out of hiding in a park in Berlin by strategically placed and seemingly “abandoned” bottles of Jack Daniels and sleeveless concert t-shirts, scientists hope to learn more about music fans long thought to be extinct in their natural habitat.

Dr. Brian “Brain” Danzig has been on the trail of the elusive “Metalhead” (Music Quisquiliarum) since a vision while listening to the band Overkill at a kegger in the mid-80s disrupted his plans for a career in orthodontia. “This discovery has everyone in academic circles talking. It’s like reeling in a coelacanth!”

“I have a million questions,” says Dr. Danzig. “For example, how are they getting by? That is, where are they working? How many Kinko’s and coffee shops can there be?”

Dr. Bruce “Yes, That’s My Real Name” Lee concurs. “Up until this discovery, we’d only had brief sightings – very, very late at night, you understand – in my garage, and only after certain parties. And now this! To know that they’re out there, really out there – oh, dude!”

And yet while they are, indeed, “out there”, a female has yet to be sighted.

“Where there are males, there are bound to be females,” enthused Dr. D. F. Geschwollenerkopf.

And while that may be true for most cultural subsets, the status of the metalheads has been in serious decline over the past decade, partly due to the very fact that there are so few females among them.

“We’ve found some very small Sepultura t-shirts and an empty bottle of black nail polish, but of course, those could be anybody’s. Until we find an actual female, I’m afraid we’re just speculating,” says Dr. Geschwollenerkopf.

Plans to lure female metalheads into the open with Malibu shooters and Marlboros Lights are underway.

17 comments:

powdergirl said...

Sorry, the black nail polish bottle is mine, but I don't know where that t-shirt came from.

Geschwollenerkopf? Isn't that German for 'swollen head'?
Sounds kind of lewd...

Laughed my ass off, Pearly Girl, laughed. my. ass. off.

Will Burke said...

We've been assimilating into mainstream culture. What was a planned infiltration got bogged down my mortgages and diapers.

The Savage said...

That was brilliant!

Sam Liu said...

I have always been fascinated by the anthropological goings-on of the allusive Music Quisquiliarum. I'll be watching this story with interest, Pearl! :D

P.S. Your mind is a fountain of comedic brilliance.

pilgrimchick said...

There hasn't been any inspiringly loud and obnoxious music since the metalheads have departed. Oh, to view even one more episode of "Headbangers Ball."

Symdaddy said...

Nicht schleckt Pearlchen!

Dr. Geschwollenerkopf spekuliert gerne über frauen die metalköpfe ... Ich auch!

Casey Freeland said...

Brilliant! I think the reason the Metalheads have stopped mating is their former mates were the Youngandrunks, those hopefully 18 year olds roaming most head banger parties. Unfortunately for the MH's the new herd of Youngandrunks don't dig the homeless.

Cheers,

Casey

The Jules said...

There might not be any females. I have a theory that, rather than being a seperate species, they are in fact a spontaneous mutation of the common hippy.

Nice to see science in action.

KleinsteMotte said...

Sehr gut. Ich warte auf mehr uber Meatheadfrauen.

Ryan said...

Last week I found a ripped Motörhead t-shirt, while my friend tripped over an elderly drunk guy wearing a Japanese flag bandana only yesterday. I'm scared, what should I do.

SparkleFarkle said...

I love and admire your neverending insanity. I bow to thee.

SF~~~~~*

Herding Cats said...

Yep. I have yet to see a female metalhead.

W.C.Camp said...

All the metalheads were sadly sterilized and erased by a highly concentrated magnetic field called 'ADULTHOOD'! W.C.C.

Tempo said...

There arent any left here in Oz, they all ran off cliffs when ACDC left OZ, lured by the American dollar and the same 6 cords played 986 different ways.

Pearl said...

I love your comments more than I love my writing. :-)

Hey! Guess who's Dell computer broke down not even two full weeks after receiving it back from them? That's right: Me. I am intensely frustrated. The kind of frustrating that causes my toes to uncurl and my hair to stick straight up...

a Broad said...

I hear, just heard mind you, no photos or facts to back it up .. that there was a small pod of metalheads quietly blending in to the neighborhood, somewhere in suburban New Jersey. It is really impossible to prove, they run as soon as they see a camera.

Fragrant Liar said...

What Symdaddy said!

This needs to go in The Onion, Pearly Girl.