In a discovery that both shocked and reassured headbangers around the world, metalheads, after being spotted for almost 20 years by only the very drunk, were once again found in the wild.
Lured out of hiding in a park in Berlin by strategically placed and seemingly “abandoned” bottles of Jack Daniels and sleeveless concert t-shirts, scientists hope to learn more about music fans long thought to be extinct in their natural habitat.
Dr. Brian “Brain” Danzig has been on the trail of the elusive “Metalhead” (Music Quisquiliarum) since a vision while listening to the band Overkill at a kegger in the mid-80s disrupted his plans for a career in orthodontia. “This discovery has everyone in academic circles talking. It’s like reeling in a coelacanth!”
“I have a million questions,” says Dr. Danzig. “For example, how are they getting by? That is, where are they working? How many Kinko’s and coffee shops can there be?”
Dr. Bruce “Yes, That’s My Real Name” Lee concurs. “Up until this discovery, we’d only had brief sightings – very, very late at night, you understand – in my garage, and only after certain parties. And now this! To know that they’re out there, really out there – oh, dude!”
And yet while they are, indeed, “out there”, a female has yet to be sighted.
“Where there are males, there are bound to be females,” enthused Dr. D. F. Geschwollenerkopf.
And while that may be true for most cultural subsets, the status of the metalheads has been in serious decline over the past decade, partly due to the very fact that there are so few females among them.
“We’ve found some very small Sepultura t-shirts and an empty bottle of black nail polish, but of course, those could be anybody’s. Until we find an actual female, I’m afraid we’re just speculating,” says Dr. Geschwollenerkopf.
Plans to lure female metalheads into the open with Malibu shooters and Marlboros Lights are underway.
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