I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I (Stomach) Another Separation

My computer, since Saturday and for the third time since June, is, as my father would say, “on the fritz”.

The lack of a writing/posting/commenting outlet makes me uneasy and distracted, a worrisome combination that leads to teeth-grinding, various aches and pains, and an inability to fend off the large number of people who approach me asking to brush my hair.

Oh, dabnab it, I’ll sigh. Go ahead. You can brush my hair if you want to.

This underlying anxiety presents itself at irregular intervals throughout the day, and so I blame the following on laptop withdrawal.

I passed a woman in the skyways today – a full-grown woman, mind you – wearing a tee-shirt that said, in big, bold letters “I (heart) Target”.

And by (heart), I mean the symbol for a heart, not "heart" spelled out or even a graphic representation of the actual heart muscle itself.

That would’ve been funny.

But she hearts Target. The retail store. She hearts it so much she bought the shirt.

Well, I heart Target, too, but would I wear a tee-shirt for them?

No, I would not.

I’ve never understood the desire to wear logoed apparel, or even more strangely, to my mind, the desire to purchase it. While perfectly willing to wear one if paid, the idea that I would enter into a situation where I would become free advertising, well, this confounds me.

It wasn’t even an event shirt – she hadn’t received this shirt at the end of her Fists Across America Walk or for having raised money for a charity or a cure. This was your standard black, cap-sleeved tee-shirt.

Since then I’ve been trying to think of the reasons which would entice me into becoming a free and mobile billboard for a multi-million-dollar corporation.

I think I got it.

The reasons I would wear, free of charge, a logoed/branded tee-shirt:
1. It was my only clothing option. And it was winter.
2. My being caught wearing said tee-shirt could win me thousands of dollars’ worth of cash and prizes.
3. My being caught not wearing said tee-shirt could result in being fined a variety of odiferous boils.
4. It was my understanding that it was Johnny Depp’s fondest wish to see me in that particular tee-shirt.
5. They were distributed following a natural disaster, for which I would, sincerely, heart Target.

I don't know. I may just be crabby due to the temporary incapacitation of my laptop.


Dell is sending a box. Again. And once again, I shall pack Patsy Cline (you didn’t think I hadn’t named my laptop, did you?) and send her away.

And this, I do not heart.


Anonymous said...

Why Patsy Cline?

Malaise Inc said...

Why Patsy Cline?

Crazy, I'm crazy for feelin' so lonely,
I'm crazy, crazy for feelin' so blue......
I knew, you'd love me as long as you wanted,
And then someday, you'd leave me for somebody new.
Worry, why do I let myself worry?
Wonderin', what in the world did I do?
Oh, crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you.....
I'm crazy for tryin' and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.
Crazy, for thinkin' that my love could hold you,
I'm crazy for tryin, and crazy for cryin
And I'm crazy for lovin' you.....

The Retired One said...

Wow...I heart you for saying this, truly I do!

Fragrant Liar said...

I heart Target only when they have a cheaper price on something I covet than Wally World. But that's really hard to do (the hearting part) because I anti-heart Wally World. Just thought you should know. Heh.

Barbara Blundell said...

6.If it was magic and made you invisible.

powdergirl said...

"i stop to see a weepin' willow, cryin' on his pillow, maybe he's cryin' for...Pearl?"

I <3 my lap top too, and I also <3 your blog. I hope Patsy enjoys her time with Dell, I'm sure they'll take good care of her.

My sister, Shirly Whirly Girl, would wear a shirt that said absolutely anything you wanted, if you promised
to brush her hair : )

KT said...

I don't understand people wearing logos either. I hate them on tshirts, on purses, etc. You are basically a walking advertisement for whatever brand is out there. I like Target, but I wouldn't wear their tshirt.

Kate Mohler said...

Very funny! I love this. Guess you found a computer to use somewhere, and I am glad for it! I shared this on my Facebook, in case you're wondering about all the hits from Phoenix.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

Oh Pearl.
What the hell are you doing to Patsy Cline?
I think someone at Dell just likes you...
they probably have a shrine and an I Heart Pearl T-shirt. Except it's all symbols, an eye, a heart, a Pearl.

That's pretty damn twisted.


Douglas said...

Thank you from the bottom of my circulatory system pump. I, too, am mystified by the logo clothing thing. When I was a youngster, logoed items were advertising and free. That's right, free. Businesses handed them out so that we, the moronic and gullible public, would wear them and other people would see them and want to patronize said businesses. Then, sometime around the birth of the Izod "alligator" shirt, all that began to change. Logos became status symbols and now people pay a premium to buy something which advertises a company.

By the way, the first thing I tell a car salesman is the dealer logo/decal/emblem must be removed or the sale is dead.

SeaD said...

Naming your laptop Patsy Cline makes me <3 you even more. I totally agree with you on not wearing free advertising for multi-million dollar companies. Plastering "Juicy" across my arss is not even close to happening.

Anonymous said...

I ♥ You and Your Blog!!!
I'd wear a 'Hello Dolly G. Squeakers' shirt with a picture of your kitty on it...

W.C.Camp said...

You see I CANNOT pay you to wear my 'Pajama Monoblogs' branded pajamas since the only thing you will be advertising to is your BED! W.C.C.

Simply Suthern said...

Patsy Cline also sang " I Fall To Pieces". Good Name for a Dell.

savannah said...

amen, sister! xoxoxoxo

Irisheyes said...

I hate to admit that last year I bought a tee at a garage sale that read "If my mother calls, I am not here!" At the time I think I must have been medicated and thought it was cute. I wore the tee and later seen the pics of myself sporting this much too tight piece of apparel. Not a good choice for a chubby woman in her mid-40's!! Point taken.:)

Anonymous said...

#7: Or if the t-shirt instantly makes me look 20 pounds thinner. To date, this has never occured.

I'm with Douglas...the auto dealership sticker comes off or I curl my lip like Elvis and walk.

Yankee Gal

Clippy Mat said...

Hey Pearl: thanks for the visit! Always appreciated and it led me to here, which is very interesting. Don't think we've met before. I enjoyed this post tho'. I wouldn't wear an I heart t-shirt, even for Johnny Depp. Even if he begged me.
Johnny Depp can just want. That's what I say.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I could not agree more. Much as I heart Target myself, I wouldn't really buy a t-shirt proclaiming my love for it, because my mind says that's tacky. And lord knows I'm the epitome of elegance and finesse.

Ok I'm not either of those things. But I avoid logos too. I hate when I find a cool t-shirt, the right fit, size, colour, everything - then somewhere on the back or front or other place you hadn't originally looked, there's a big, gigantic logo ruining everything. Pah!

I loved the Johnny Depp excuse. Well done.

Sarah said...

And that's why I have four computers in the house. I know how dreadful the withdrawal is. I might actually *gasp* buy that gawd awful t-shirt!

a Broad said...

Oh I do love Patsy Cline ( the singer ) ... sorry, I heart Patsy Cline.
I think I heart my camera these days more than anything , not counting the dog and husband.. I heart easily, I think.

I heart Pearl too .. Anyway, I refuse to wear any clothing that says anything on them ... except maybe my sons old Metallica tee shirt .. if I am in the mood to confuse the natives.

lisleman said...

what if it was a T-shirt that promoted your shampoo and explained why everyone wants to brush your hair?

Gigi said...

Nothing worse than having your computer on the 'fritz! I feel your pain, seriously.

Bossy Betty said...

I understand your withdrawal pains. I really do. Your hair looks just fine.

Anonymous said...

My dad said 'on the fritz' too. Must be a generational thing. And I heart Patsy Cline.

Cheeseboy said...

Poor Patsy. She has done you well. Now, maybe Dell can give you a few dollars off if you tell them you will paint their logo on the side of your car??

De Campo said...

The majority of my clothing says that I love the goodwill without even having to spell it out.

Herding Cats said...

I despise logos....with a passion.

Kal said...

I had a mother who interned under Che Guevera (sp) so any kind of logo on our clothing was verbotten. It all reeked of sweatshops in third world countries and exploited children so she paid extra so others didn't think her children supported that kind of industry. Of course her attitude against child labor did tend to stop at our door as she explained to me many times that she didn't 'make the rules' she just 'enjoyed them' and doing the dishes was nothing like making sneakers for 25 cents a day.

Cloudia said...

Depp, yeah

Warm Aloha from Waikiki :)

Comfort Spiral

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

(I 'pologise muchly for orlways d'letin' my first comments. It's cos me english so bad is)

Firstly, when my PC goes belly up n waits for the vultures, I just pack it, send it off and move on to the next one. If ALL four went on the 'fritz' at the same time ... well, I guess this ol' man would be ready for his box.

Secondly, I wouldn't wear any T-shirt with 'heart'-anything on it because I'm getting on a bit in years and I don't want the family to think I'm losing it.

Last but not least (or thirdly if you are counting), I call my PC Bjudah. I would take it for walks, but every time I say "come Bjudah!" he just ignores me.

white rabbit said...

I was wondering what the origin of 'on the fritz' is - not English English, we'd say on the blink - but Mr Google tells me no-one quite knows.

Casey Freeland said...

I love the snot out of logo t-shirts. Maybe it was my 12 years in radio. We gave away truckloads of tee's. I got truckloads of free tee's. It's like belonging to a club. I wear a Metallica T. Some guy sees said Metallica T and says, "Dude, Enter Sandman." and we have a motorcycle wave and move on. We're both a little happier. I can't see doing a bike wave over Target, but hey, I'm not everybody, so what the heck.



CatLadyLarew said...

Here's hoping Patsy is returned to you quickly and in better condition than when she left.

Anonymous said...

Just got my computer back in working order, so I am totally with you on the withdrawal feelings.
I heart Target, but am not shopping there after the big donation they made to a political candidate who is totally the opposite of everything they say that they stand for....I am having Target withdrawal, too. And when there is computer/blogging withdrawal at the same time as Target withdrawal....let's just say it hasn't been pretty around here.