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Friday, August 27, 2010

Funny. I Don’t Remember Eating That…

If you’re like me – and we’ve no reason to believe otherwise, despite potential differences in age, sex, geographical location, and inseam – you arrive at Friday wondering to yourself, Self? What’s going on?

Well? What do we answer ourselves? The words “I have no idea” have become so tedious, haven’t they? Why isn’t there someone out there telling me what will happen next?

But wait! There is! And holy smokes, it’s my iPod!

That’s right. As is well known in these parts – if we will agree that “these parts” include my own pointy little head and the space taken up by your computer screen – the songs played on my Friday-morning commute – and shuffled, mind you! completely random! – have the ability to predict the future!

Play along, won’t you?

Adderall by The Hold Steady
Honey White by Morphine
Honky Tonkin’ by Hank Williams
I Just Want to Celebrate by Rare Earth
Shotgun by Southern Culture on the Skids
Colleen by The Heavy

My, but that is random. And yet… And yet… What’s that I see? Margaritas Friday night at Barrio? And what’s that, iPod? Don’t be a twit, just take the bus so that you are free to imbibe at will?

Don’t mind if I do!

It won’t be the first time I’ve taken the bus downtown. After all, I enjoy taking the bus. Between the zombie-like state I sometimes enter into between one stop and the next and the traveling freak show (free!) that makes intermittent appearances, I recommend taking the bus as a cheap and entertaining way to get to where you’re going.

But even I must admit that the bus has its drawbacks. They are on a schedule, aren’t they, and wait for no one…

I was at the bus stop this morning when I realized that the white cotton eyelet jacket I was wearing had a small yet undeniably smeared stain of some sort, right where it buttons over the chest. The chest! It was as if someone – or something, since I was willing to point a grubby finger at anyone but me – had dipped their digits into banana, possibly butterscotch pudding, and then buttoned my jacket.

It had not been noticeable in the least when I had taken it out the night before. Nor was it noticeable when I put it on.

In the glaring light of Casual Friday, however, one was led to believe that the owner and/or wearer of this particular jacket was unfamiliar with napkins and their uses.

I considered the fact that I hadn’t worn this jacket in well over a year. It was clean when I put it away. I was sure of it. I don’t, after all, hang up dirty clothes.

I tried to recollect the last time that someone might’ve eaten – not pudding perhaps, perhaps a bowl of curry – in my closet. I mean, there are parties; and then there are parties.

I lazily imagined how I could turn this misfortune into an opportunity, maybe a little get-to-know-you exercise on the bus, our seatmates encouraged to make assumptions about each of us based on the stains on our clothes. I wondered what my jacket said about me…

The bus came into view as it occurred to me that I could just walk home and change. But the next bus wouldn’t be around for another 20 minutes, and then I would be late.

I took my jacket off and put it in my yoga bag.

I don’t know what that stain is, how it got there, or what it says about me as a person, but I do know this: I have never eaten pudding - or curry! - in my closet.

I don't care what you've heard.

And I still have no idea what that stain could be.

21 comments:

Argent said...

Ah, the joys of bus-riding. You'll be delighted (or not) to know la vie en autobus is much the same here - complete with free entertainment. We do have a free newspaper you can pick up on the bus itself in the mornings which is quite good. I managed to spill coffee on a light-coloured coat I was wearing to attend a business meeting (and went on about it here).

Fred Miller said...

"Adderall" and Hank both indicate maragaritas, or at least Jim Beam and Mountain Dew.

For the stain, write a fake grocery list, or a real one, on a Post-it and stick it over the stain. Maybe nobody will notice.

Krëg said...

Perhaps your jacket goes out partying without you?

The Hold Steady give me ear hives.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

The banana pudding? Umm Hel-LO? That's your inner monkey's handywork.

Three Dog Night - The Show Must Go On and the MTC,perfect together :)

Have a great weekend girl. Wish I could join you at Barrio...ahhh...someday.

Rene

Bossy Betty said...

OK! OK!! I did it, OK? But your closet was so cool and dark and the pudding was so good.... BTW can I just keep the shoes?

Sweet Cheeks said...

I'd say that stain is quite possibly paw shaped and originated from a delicious food made with 'the good shrimp'.

I wonder who would benefit from rifling through your clothes at night whilst you were fast asleep in your bed? Hmmm.
=]

Symdaddy said...

Sloppy,sloppy sloppy!

With me it's chocolate ... it's ALWAYS chocolate ... when it isn't ketchup, curry, gravy or ice-cream.

But I do not partake of the joys of riding on the bus ... so my inaccurate feeding practices go relatively unnoticed by the world in general ... but not by my wife!

She's going to love the cocoa my shirt got intimately involved this afternoon.

(regardless of the time stamp of this comment, it's only 20 past 4 in the afternoon here)

Sharon Longworth said...

In our house we all know and understand that the wearing of anything white is a clarion call to all food and drink - it will immediately jump straight at your chest.

Simply Suthern said...

Are you on dope or dog food?

Eliza Bean!! DUH!! Doing the sit and drag.

Mystery solved.

WrathofDawn said...

I just finished eating a serving (very CAREFULLY measured out) of Dr. Oetker's Sauce n' Cake sponge pudding - Hot Caramel flavour and since I didn't get anything on me, it must have been me that got it on your jacket. Because I never, ever eat a meal without getting some food on someone (usually me). So sorry.

powdergirl said...

A wee spot of pudding on your coat? Hah, that would be a most welcome view, Pearl. We are currently deep in the throws of fruit picking season over here in the Sunny Valley. The pickers are walking around with filthy dread locks that make my skin crawl,, crusty feet in ratty flip-flops, and dirty teeth, even their skin is stained grey with the dirt they seem to wallow in and they stink and then they try to hide the stink with patchouli(which I despise).
For the love of life, people, BATHE. Please please bathe.
I can[t take it anymore, I'm getting a flame thrower, nothing cleanses like fire.

Sorry, hope you weren't eating.

Carol said...

I had no idea that was your closet. I love taking the train. People are super freaky, even in conservative Utah and sometimes I'm just about to pee my pants by the time I get off the damn thing!

a Broad said...

I have friends who have Come Out of Closets but I don't know that much about What goes on In Closets.. other than my own and that pretty much is a repeat of every day's whining about Nothing To Wear In This F**king Closet !!
As to the stain... I would burn that jacket.
You never know... really...

Gigi said...

This has Liza Bean's paw prints all over it!

Herding Cats said...

What do you know? I have a mystery spot on my dress too :(

W.C.Camp said...

Oh the bus make me shudder. I don't mind the ride or MOST of the people. But there is always one nut with curry on their jacket that really scares me. I'll just walk and eat my curry on my own! W.C.C.

Casey Freeland said...

Um, I think it just means you are going to get honked at in traffic. Did that happen?

Cheers,

Casey

Cheeseboy said...

No idea on the stain. Have you checked the ceiling of the closet to see if it is leaking food products?

I love your iPod playlists, but I really don't like The Hold Steady... the way the singer speaks everything in his obnoxious voice. Big fan of The Heavy though.

Tempo said...

You share your house with others..I suggest you blame one of them. It's one of those sneaky cats..sabotaging your day of frivolity.

Greenfingers said...

Up until recently, I spent two years getting the local bus to and fro from work, it became almost a second home.
Is is therefore my dream to actually buy a second-hand bus one day and use it as real second home!

The Jules said...

Are you sure it's food?