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Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bert Wants You to Surrender Your Keys. You're Scaring Ernie.

In the interest of “keeping it real” – something I strive for in both my actual and imaginary life – I must report yesterday's unsavory bus-stop incident.

Join me in my head - have a seat next to the guy that stood me up in 11th grade, over there in the corner of my mind - and go back with me, a little more than 24 hours ago...

It is a hot and humid morning, a morning typical of Minneapolis in August.

As is my custom, I have my iPod on, the volume low, the right earbud in, the left hanging from my purse. I have joked for years that no one is going to sneak up on me - I'm no clueless wienie, oblivious to the world…

I am walking and am well into the intersection of the four-way stop at which my bus stop is located when a red car rolls up to the intersection, rolls through the intersection, and clips the yoga bag hanging off my back, making me hop forward in an undignified and arrhythmic display.

It’s a nice car, a red four-door something-or-other, waxed to a high sheen, all four windows open to allow for a breeze and operated by an elderly man whose head appears, in a rather “Kilroy Was Here” manner, just above the steering wheel.

I am not angry. I am dismayed.

“Hey!” I exclaim. “That’s a four-way stop!”

Red Waxed Car turns the corner, jams his arm out the window... and flips me off.

I've been flipped off by the man who missed hitting me with a car by this much!

The one-fingered salute! The bird! The digital “up-yours”!

My jaw drops.

The finger! I think. The finger! At 7:14 a.m.! Two people can play that game, buddy.

And then I think: And then that'll be two fingers. Two! Two fingers! TWO fingers at 7:14 a.m.! Ah! Ah! Ah!


Suddenly, I have become Count Van Count.

Who can flip off an old man once the theme from Sesame Street has started?

Not this gal.

There has been no damage done to my yoga bag, to my rear end (which, surprisingly, does not stick out further than my bag, contrary to my earlier belief), and I live to ride the bus another day.

One! One grateful commuter! Ah! Ah! Ah!

26 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

3! Three fingers in the morning!

Now you've got me doing it....

Pearl said...

Kinda infectious, ain't it?

Sam Liu said...

Ha! I loved, really obsessively loved, Sesame Street when I was kid and Count Van Count was my second favourite character (after Elmo, of course). Even imagining his voice now is making me smile :D

Glad you're okay, Pearl, public transport can indeed be a dangerous business :D

Georgina Dollface said...

That guy is lucky because had he hit you it could have been "Two! Two years! Two years in jail for you! A-ha ha! - G
PS - Anyone who can segue-way a hit and run story into a Sesame Street skit is a genius in my book. Thanks for the laugh!

Tail-Kinker said...

You gotta be vicious with those Q-tips! Especially the violent and blind ones. Next time go for the "Oscar" and collapse, screaming bloody murder and in general making him scared of yoga-bag toting comedians.

Pearl said...

Sam, it IS risky out there, isn't it?! Hmm. I mnight have to buy myself some sort of treat today, now that I think of it...

Georgina, that's very sweet. :-)

Tail-Kinker, in hindsight that might've been fun as well. :-) Would you believe the weirdo never even slowed down? Not that he was going fast anyway, but how do you hit the bag hanging off someone's back and not brake?!

Symdaddy said...

At least you know that yer bum don't look big in that bag!

I 'spose it's also good to know that the car that clipped you was clean and waxed. It will make any scratch your yoga bag(imagines serene bag chillin' in a very uncomfortable looking position) will have made look sooooooo much nicer.

Sarah said...

The way he's driving, I believe he's going to jail pretty soon for hitting somebody for real. He should get off the road prompto!

Simply Suthern said...

The License plate, What happened to(You Know I'm Writing This Down Right.)? Oh I see. (I Just Can't Get Involved).

Sweet Cheeks said...

4!
4 flat tires...Ah, Ah, Ah. That's what he deserves!

Glad you weren't killed, Pearly Girly!

vanilla said...

Sad when an old guy reverts to infantile behavior. You were a good girl, though. *hearty laughter*

Lisa said...

Bahahaahaha! I'm glad it ended well.

Pearl said...

Yeah, I don't know what's going to happen with that guy. I did actually write his license plate down (which really didn't fit into the story) but then couldn't decide what to do with it. Do the police want to know that he was rather slowly reckless? I don't know. What do we do with this sort of thing?

Symdaddy, I got the impression that he took great care of that car.

Sarah, you and me both!

Sweet Cheeks, I wish I'D said that! Too funny!

Vanilla, that' kinda where my head went, too. Part of him knows that none of that was right...

Lisa, it did, and I'm not even mad, although I am watching for that car now...

Herding Cats said...

Wow! Some people have a LOT of nerve!

a Broad said...

Sad thing is (having lived in Florida for one year so I am an expert on this sort of thing) He would not have had any idea that he ran over anyone.
SO glad that not even the yoga bag was damaged.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Oh my, and I thought I was the only person who has been honored by an eldery-bird-flip. Perhaps the nice little old lady who was none too happy that I didn't let her cross two lanes in front of me just yards from the intersection should meet your jaunty old guy in his speedy red car. That way there could be two birds in a...eh...never mind.

Douglas said...

Someone had the audacity to stand you up in 11th grade? I am shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

And I am sure the elderly gentleman just meant that "You're number 1!"

FabuLeslie said...

Ah, the Count. Fond memories. I've been away from blogging for 8 days. 8 blogless days... ah. ah. ah.... That's all I can think of right now.

Fred Miller said...

I had a guy scream at me in Miami, Florida for not turning right on a red light. Long story, but I would have had to stop a 70-foot tractor-trailer rig on a railroad track just to get to the stop light before I could even proceed right on red. Problem was I was placarded with flammable liquid. Illegal to stop on railroad tracks with any hazardous placard. I just let the guy yell.

outoftunepiano said...

wow, glad you're ok. you also could have pulled the old, kick at the car move. that's always fun. put a nice dent in the shiny red death-mobile.

Gigi said...

Since you did get the plate number I'd call the police anyway. Someone needs to let them know that this guy is a menace on wheels.

And thanks for putting the Count's voice in my head - every word I type is being done in that voice.

jo.irish.rose said...

pearl,

very proud of you that you did dont flip off gramps...and also that you DID write the plate # down. for future safety of others i would turn it in just to alert other yoga bag carriers....they may not be as sweet and considerate as you! love your blog! (i have the count stuck in me head now too!)

Casey Freeland said...

Maybe in his country (or world) that is how he apologizes.

Casey

Cheeseboy said...

That dude deserved 22 fingers! One for each of his brain cells.

MJenks said...

That was a close one.

Fortunately for the rest of us, the world is still graced by one Pearl.

And that's a good thing, because I need all the Latin Lesson comments I can get.

KleinsteMotte said...

Awww.. You can see the count at a time when my knees would have been shaking from a near miss. You are one very cool lady!!