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Sunday, July 25, 2010

You See A Lot More of People in The Summer, or I'm Gonna Need Darker Glasses

Welcome to summer, season of fleshly exposures and frightened, abused clothing.

Lady, what did those clothes ever do to you that you would be so cruel to them? That shirt – surely you caught it selling top-secret documents to the North Koreans, yes?

I think I see what you’re up to. The plan? To wear that shirt, despite its being several sizes too small, despite its pleading, overstressed seams, until it confesses. Good for you. Now is not the time to be lax with our national secrets. Now is not the time to mollycoddle our treasonous clothing. Obviously you have impressive proof against that shirt; and the way things are looking? Let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to be there when the poor thing finally explodes in a burst of exhausted threads.

Good for you for taking a hard line on whatever you believe that shirt did.

And the pants? Let us not speak of the pants. The "pants" - and if any piece of distressed, undersized pair of trousers required quotation marks, these is them - are an assault on the eyes. I fully support you in your home-grown efforts to disgrace them. You’re doing a good job, and I’ve nothing to add here.

But the sandals. Tell me about the sandals. They are too small for you; and they’ve always been too small, yes? Even from here, I can see your painted toes curling over the front of them, your heels extending beyond the length of the sandal.

Tell me: those are not your sandals, are they?

While I suspect the shirt of a subversive-style shrinking, no doubt in a bid to escape being worn again, and it is obvious that the pants were never trustworthy, the sandals mystify me. Perhaps you borrowed them. Perhaps a friend has pressed them upon you, urging you to wear them, either as a punishment for the shoe itself or in an attempt to humiliate you.

Where did those sandals come from, and who are they working for?

Those sandals, in conjunction with the rest of your outfit – the tourniquet masquerading as your pants, the shirt that insists on rolling up to expose your fluffy, fluffy love handles – are clearly working for the opposition.

Those clothes – and their original owners – must be removed from the public and put away, perhaps forced into a corner so as to think about what they've done...

Kudos on your continuing efforts to bring wayward, rebellious clothing and their treasonous ways to the forefront.

I shall miss these moments with you once winter comes.

16 comments:

Sarah said...

And don't forget the courage of mixing cellulite with short shorts. The assault on our eyes are nothing comparing to their determination to end decent clothing.

Cheeseboy said...

The sandals will make their way back. Their hibernation will be short lived.

Lo said...

What a wonderful, whimsical take on scant garments.

Bossy Betty said...

I gotta get me a tighter shirt to wear if I am going out in public.... People seem to really like it and I like testing the seams.

Gregory said...

should I be calling on the clothing police... again??

Douglas said...

On certain women, clothes can never be too tight (though I am with you on the too small sandals). On others, clothes can never be too loose.

Casey Freeland said...

Mollycoddle? Wow, I need to figure out a way to use that I'm regular conversation.

One word... denial. With enough weight, even shoes can get smaller. I used to make custom shoes, so I actually know these things.

Cheers!

Casey Freeland said...

"in" regular conversation, of course...

injaynesworld said...

Yes, my dear Pearl. They walk among us -- and they breed. This is why one must never visit places like Disneyland in the summer. Such sights in such quantity are likely to damage the cornea beyond repair.

Another delightful ditty, my friend.

CatLadyLarew said...

Visual pollution! Make it stop!

Diane said...

I've told you to stop shopping at WalMart!

Simply Suthern said...

It is hot down south. I must've missed the annoucement but it must have said clothes optional. I saw more skin today shopping(Walmart)than at the pool(92 degree water). And it aint purty.

Gigi said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I know exactly where you are coming from, my friend!! Those clothes MUST be traitors to deserve such punishment!

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blueviolet said...

I found those people at the Venetian Festival last weekend here! It was frightening!

Murr Brewster said...

Last time I was in Nordstrom's it looked like racks of Barbie wear. I have to go to Goodwill to find clothes that don't look like blood pressure cuffs. Next year I plan to rock the tarpaulin-with-a-belt and some kicky hiking boots.