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Friday, July 9, 2010

We Here at Acme Napkins and Grommets

Another workweek comes to a close, as it always seems to do about this time of the week; and it is with curiosity that we again turn to my iPod, because absolutely everyone knows that my iPod’s shuffled playlist, played during my morning commute, has the power to foretell the weekend.

What? You didn’t know that?

My Mistakes were Made for You by Last Shadow Puppets
Na Na Na Na Na by Kaiser Chiefs
Bodysnatchers by Radiohead
Politician by Cream
Kitty by Presidents of the United States
Disaster Button by Snow Patrol

Looking rather political isn’t it? Might want to get my hair cut, kiss a few babies. You never know when you’ll be called upon to serve.

Except, of course, when it’s time for a conference call. Because we here at Acme Napkins and Grommets believe in keeping in touch, whether you like it or not.

Got something to say? NOT got something to say? It’s all the same to us, because here at Acme Napkins and Grommets, it’s not about getting things done so much as it is cultivating the appearance of getting things done.

Except for you, of course. Or me. You and I, we have things to do.

You know where your big mistake was, don’t you?

Yep. It was the day you did your work and asked for more. It was in the way you said, “I don’t know, but let me find out”. It was when you consistently met your goals and did so while maintaining that gleam in your eye and that smile on your lips. Yes, as drunk as you appeared to be, you with your shiny eyes and your attention to the smallest detail, your performance was top rate, causing you to be handed larger and more complex projects.

You’d think you’d have learned by now, wouldn’t you?

That’s the problem right there. You continue to work at a respectable speed, continue to be held responsible for outcomes, continue to put your best foot forward while stifling the urge to test the tensile strength of the 47th floor windows with your ergonomic chair.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Why do you make us punish you?

Facilities, of course, is against the hurling of office furniture. Trust me on this one. And frankly, who wants to be the “scary” one at work?

Well, actually, you might. You’ll have to trust me on this one as well. There’s nothing like a well flung in/out basket to get someone’s attention. Like the subtle pounding of a forehead on a paper-strewn surface – which no doubt prefaced the flinging of the in/out basket – it says “I’m quite stressed out, yet I remain relatively harmless. Please get me a margarita.”

Well, that’s what I think it says, anyway.

And I always reflect upon this at my next job.

Bruised forehead and scattered in/out box aside, the weekend is here; and just in time. There are gardens to weed, glasses to rim with salt, kitties stalking moths to keep one entertained.

My work does not define me: This is my mantra for the weekend.

Happy Friday, everyone.


Casey Freeland said...

Perfect for today, thank you! Off to ACME. Wish me luck.


Pearl said...

Good luck, Casey!

Jennifer said...

Haha I have to say I have never used my playlist to predict the fututrr. Might haves to do that sometime.

Simply Suthern said...

I have worked with the "SCARY ones". Wild eyed and office decor tossing. Odd thing is it doesnt seem to stifle their career so much as I would have thought. I guess some see it as passion. I just think they are nuts.

Anonymous said...

At my house, Mr. Whiskers and Frankencat are obsessed with stalking insects.

What really grinds me though, is when they alert me to the presence of a big, hairy spider in the corner.

In a mad dash I gear up with cans of mace in my pocket, football pads and helmet firmly attached to my body and my lucky 'bug killing' rabbit's foot chain around my neck.

Then I run full force (in Mel Gibson Braveheart fashion) screaming towards the 8 legged offender - only to get there and realize its dryer lint.

I swear I hear those rotten kitties snicker from behind their whiskers every single time.

Stupid cats.

I hate that.

Cheeseboy said...

Last Shadow Puppets - Great stuff. Bodysnatchers - Just an okay Radiohead tune, imo.

Douglas said...

They have napkins for acne now? What won't they think of next? Oh... wait, it's acMe, isn't it? Well, then, never mind about that.

I was the scary guy at work. But safely nestled away on the graveyard shift, there were few times anyone had to interact with me. I swear I only bit off 2 heads in 34 years. A record which I consider to be exemplary conduct.

Anonymous said...

Those margaritas will do wonders. Just remember the Emergen-c. It's key to recovery time! (She said as she drank her emergen-c after the 3 margaritas she had.)

Fred Miller said...

Do you realize that you can start a new blog as a shuffle psychic? Go ahead. Use it. It was your idea first. Have people post the five shuffle songs during their commute or their bike ride, or their jogging. You can tell them whatever psychics are supposed to tell them. Sounds like a great site for ads selling energy drinks and mustard pretzels.

Jocelyn said...

So for the "Kitty" song as related to politics, are we looking at Kitty Dukakis here? If so, is all of this your sly way of letting us know you've been drinking the rubbing alcohol again?

Tempo said...

Things NOT to say at work.
1.I dont have time now, I'll do it at home and let you have it in the morning.
2.I've made one of those before, I'll draw up a blueprint tonight.
3. Yeah, no problem.
Some of us are just slow learners Pearl...

a Broad said...

I had a bruised forehead once .
After that I found a new occupation.
I was having too many dreams that involved violence against old men behind desks.
I would like to hear about the kitten vs moth action sometime this weekend, if you don't mind.
Thenk yew veddy much, C~

KleinsteMotte said...

You mentioned moths. Here's hoping kittie does't get me cause I'm a tiny one.

KleinsteMotte said...

PS Is there an acme paper in your area?