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Thursday, July 1, 2010

So I Guess Craig's List's Not An Option

Mary’s getting downright crabby.

“Have I told you,” she says, “that I need a new mattress?”

She has. A number of times.

We can’t blame her for being slow to pick up on another expenditure. The economy has not been kind to her and Jon in the last few years – and the years before that weren’t so hot either. A mattress is simply not in the budget.

“Lay here. No, seriously, lay down. Tell me what you think.”

How to describe Mary’s mattress?

Let’s put it this way: If you were to take a large burlap sack, stuff it with irregularly shaped pets – cats, ferrets, your smaller dogs – and then threw a couple of sheets, a decorative bedspread and a couple of pillows on it, you’d have an idea of what Mary’s mattress could be like if only it were a wee bit more comfortable.

“So what are you going to do?”

“Well, I can imagine this going a couple different ways,” she says thoughtfully. “I will either carefully hide $10 a week until I can afford it –“

“Prudent,” I interrupt.

“Thank you. Or I go ahead and take a cleaning job’s offer of borrowing me the money outright and then working it off – “

“Fiscally responsible,” I offer.

“Thank you. Or I avoid the whole outlay thing entirely, the police show up after you call them when you don’t hear from me for a week or two and they find Jon and I in a mutual-murder scenario brought on by lack of sleep wherein they find us with our hands locked around each other’s necks and T-Bone has eaten away parts of our faces out of hunger.”

T-Bone is their Labrador.

Mary takes a deep breath and there is the briefest of moments as I mull over these scenarios.

“All vivid and possible,” I muse. “I can see that you’ve put a lot of thought into this. May I throw my weight behind Options 1 and 2?”

Mary frowns. Clearly Option 3 had had its appeal – perhaps the idea of being debt-free and newsworthy carried more weight than she had initially let on when she had casually presented it – but she finally nods.

Jon will never know how close he came to being front page news.

And Mary’s on her way to getting a new mattress.

28 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

How bout a Sleep Number Pet mattress ad.
My Husband prefers 23. Five dogs, 12 cats, 6 gerbils and a pot bellied pig in the Pillow case.
We priced mattresses. It is cheaper to move. Or keep your eye out for someone that is moving and hope it blows off the truck. Or call my daughter who has one in storage. I am sure after 3 cans of Frebreeze and a Terminex treatment it will be a fine mattress set.

Simply Suthern said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jon in France said...

Fiscal responsibility is duller than option 3, but I'd worry about whoever had to clear up the mess. And in this heat too...

Pat said...

*Whew* I'm glad Option 3 didn't win. Unfortunately, Mary's gonna be saving $10 a week or working for years to pay for a new mattress, but it'll be worth it. I say, go for a Temperpedic.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Maybe it's just me and my twisted sense of humor, but I preferred No. 3. It would have been like, "Hey, I read about that on a blog that I read. How cool is that?" :)

Sarah said...

That's depressing indeed. I hope she resolved her sleeping problem with minimal financial burden possible.

Douglas said...

I hear sleeping on the floor is good for the back. It never worked for me but I hear it all the same. I slept on the floor in a sleeping bag for several months before I could afford an actual bed (which, it turned out, was a huge chunk of foam called a "Bahama Bed"). I was younger then, though.

I do have to take issue... (Pedant Alert!)

"a cleaning job’s offer of borrowing me the money"

Shouldn't that be "lending me the money?"

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

oh, the tension while she mulled over the options!!

Pearl said...

Douglas! Ack! That's a "Minnesota thing", that whole "borrowing" and "lending" mix-up. On a test, I know the difference, but while writing/talking, I tend to be quite colloquial. Next thing you know, I'll be asking someone to "itch my back"...

Sweet Cheeks said...

The death of a mattress is so sad...and terribly slow.

Our mattress (Fred) has a living will.

When the time comes, Fred wants to be quietly laid to rest at the curb on garbage day...and he's leaving his baseball card collection to me.

What a great guy.
=]

savannah said...

i wish her well, sugar! but, bless her heart, mary might want to consider taking up writing! option #3 was one hell of an opening scene for a mystery in the style sunset blvd. (can y'all tell we've been doin a ton o'movie watchin'?) xoxoxo

MJenks said...

Hmmm...I wondered what Mattress Firm did with my old mattress when they carted it off a few years ago.

Tell Mary I'm very sorry for the smell...

Tamsin said...

Everyone needs a friend who can talk them out of the allure of being partially eaten by a labrador.

sage said...

How do you know so much about Mary's mattress... is that what they talk about around the water fountain in Minnesota? Weird, but better than the other option. :)

Cheeseboy said...

I might need to adopt option 3 for my new mattress. The other two seem so dull.

a Broad said...

I will have nightmares about this ... mattresses writhing with cats and ferrets inside while the humans throttle each other and the Lab stands by patiently with his bib on.

Some days , Pearl, it pays to not have an imagination .. doncha think?

drollgirl said...

ack!!!

years ago i had a mattress that was SO BAD i ended up dumping it. and then i slept on the floor for about 6 months while i saved up money for a new mattress and bed frame. NOT fun times.

Cloudia said...

Ack!


Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

lisleman said...

decorative bedspread - that's all it really needs.
Aren't there some lazyboys on a neighbor's lawn that they could sleep on?

Lynn said...

Your description of her mattress is hysterical! What a writer you are!!!

Douglas said...

This isn't a test????

Charlotte Ann said...

Two words: AIr MATTRESS

Christine Gram said...

Good god, that sounds exactly like the mattress I used to have here. I've discovered to my great sleeping pleasure that IKEA mattresses are surprisingly comfortable and don't cost thousands of dollars. She should give 'em a go.

Tempo said...

Dont it suck sleeping on a bad mattress. Im sure it's accounted for it's fair share of breakups.

Eva Gallant said...

Funny!

CatLadyLarew said...

I'd be happy to donate $10 to Mary's cause. Although you do paint an intriguing scenario in Option 3.

Jennifer McLean said...

Hahahahaha. You're funny. Lucky me!
I'm thinking she should hold a raffle, like they do with a jelly bean jar. You pay for a guess at how many jelly beans are in the jar and if you're the closest you win the beans. She should sell guesses of which pets make up the mattress and the winner gets their pick of pet! You could actually have several winners!
Problem solved.
:o)
Good blog=new follower
~Jenn

Vanessa Rogers said...

A good mattress is soo worth the investment!