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Thursday, July 8, 2010

Reelin’ in the Years, or If You Are Orgasmic Over Your Yogurt…

The TV is at it again.

What’s with these commercials for Activia? Jamie Lee Curtis, The Queen of Scream!

Jamie! You poor SOB, what’s up with the “regularity” talk? Better yet, what’s up with that disturbing flushing hand motion you’re encouraging people to make, the one implying yogurt moving efficiently from entrance to exit?

Either you are truly excited about yogurt, or you have a payment to make. Should’ve never bought that boat, should ya, Jamie?

For cryin’ out loud, people, the actors and musicians I’ve grown up with are aging.

I’m against this.

You know, I don’t actually notice the fact that I myself am aging until I am surrounded with younger folk, something that, mathematically, happens more and more often.

You know what I need to do, don’t you? I need to hang out with people my age or older, if not for the common memories and dance steps then for the off-chance that I will find myself staring into the bathroom mirror, pulling the skin on my face back toward my ears, wondering if anyone would notice if I had a tiny face lift…

Just a tiny one.

I recently began telling people that I’m in my mid-50s. I’m not, but I love when they say, “God, you look great!”

I plan on carrying out this little lie until I’m actually in my mid-50s, whereupon I will begin to tell people that I am, oh, 32, just to see the look on their faces.

“Yeah. I was a really heavy smoker from 15 to just last year. It was tough, but I feel great.”

One must have strategies.

The movie stars of my youth are concerned with bowel movements, some of my younger friends are surprised to learn that there was no violence at Woodstock, and I recently overheard someone state firmly that “only fat people have cellulite”.

These are the things one must contend with when one continues to live.

But what are you going to do?

As my father says, it beats the alternative.

31 comments:

Lo said...

Applause, applause. Pearl you are really good.
Great blog.

Jon said...

Well, once one gets past an age where discussing sex appears a little silly ("pass the lolly sticks, dear!") bowel movements are all that's left.

Simply Suthern said...

I guess these folks felt if we were interested in them during their acting years that surely we would be interested in their declining years and how they handle the vile things nature throws at them.

Bone Loss, You can sit on a pier like me
Weight Issues, You can watch me lose weight, gain weight, lose weight, gain weight again.
Irregualarity, You can crap like Me
ED, You can ____ like me

I spose I am a bit bitter, I could start drinking like them.

Argent said...

I think they should use CGI and cover up the faces of shockingly aged stars with their own face as it was when they were young. It's just too depressing to see how old they (and, by inference, you) are getting. Roll on the pink fluffy clouds of dementia then we won't have to worry...

FabuLeslie said...

I'll never forget the time my ten-years-younger-than-me sister saw the young Harrison Ford for the first time in like Star Wars or something and said, "THAT's Harrison Ford?? No WONDER people used to think he was hot!"

Also, Kenny Rogers has been one of the most disturbing plastic surgery nightmares I've seen.

And, when I was growing up, I wanted to be Madonna, and felt like I was about her age. Now I see her and think -although she still looks great- how old IS Madonna??

And wasn't Cyndi Lauper's FIFTY-FOURTH birthday the other day??

I was relieved to hear that Drew Barrymore is 35. That's (about) my age, so I'm gonna just think happy Drew thoughts for now when I see people like Rod Stewart.

Sausage Fingers said...

It freaks me out how Michael Myers' bitch keeps showing up in random strangers living rooms hocking overpriced yogurt! I can see a depends commercial in her future, especially if she keeps on with the damn go-gurt.

SparkleFarkle said...

Jamie Lee and her "My Pot Runneth Over" yoghurt commercials slay me! I imagine her and husband Christopher Guest running (<--Great word choice, eh?) to the tube where they plop down everytime one comes on and they howl like mad! Guest had to have something to do with how Jamie approached her lines. LOL! Even though they are probably laughing all the way to the bank, I'd much rather Christopher return to making mockumentaries and Jamie, Lee, Come on! You're talking about making mega poo happen, here! You go back to whatever you do best, too...What is it, exactly, that you do-DO (<-- yet another great word sellection!) best? Oh. This is it? .... Have you consider doing volunteer work? LOL! What a scream, Scream Queen! LOLouder! Hmm. Maybe that's the point!

ellen abbott said...

I don't mind them getting older but I do wonder what the hell they did with their money when they were making it. Did none of those people think about the future? Jamie, Sally, have a little self-respect fer cryin' out loud.

Douglas said...

Being one who was raised on movies from the 30's and 40's, I was inured to the aging issue of stars at a youngish age. Now that I have aged... oh so gracefully... I can look at Keith Richards (only 2.5 years older than me) and feel good about myself.

Oddly, the wimminfolk in the house have a shelf in the `fridge dedicated to Activia.

Jodie Kash said...

Hells yeah I'd sell yogurt that helps you poop for the right amount of ca$h. Why not?

Fred Miller said...

If these people actually believe that lactobacillus acidophilus will live in yogurt form all the way to their colons, then they're are certainly likely to believe that it keeps their vaginas healthy, too. Yes, the vagina needs L. acidophilus, but it doesn't get there by way of the colon. I had to set some of my co-workers straight on that one. No harrassment charges, yet.

Sweet Cheeks said...

I think they should've made Jamie Lee's commercials like a horror film...

Picture this:
Thunder and lightening flashes through nighttime windows.

There she is, (Jamie) running through endless dark halls in a creepy, old house.

Every bathroom door she frantically tries to open is locked...

After hysterically shaking the handle and pounding on the last restroom door, she turns around and spies a glass box on the wall (labeled 'Emergency Fire Axe/Murder Weapon')

She breaks the glass with her elbow, grabs the axe and madly swings it - hacking through the door to rush forward and relievedly sit on the pot. The only sounds are thunder mixed with explosive whoopie cushion sounds.

The camera would pan in close upon her sweaty, straining face and she would breathlessly say,
"Don't end up like me...just eat the yogurt."
-Cue Activia jingle-
=]

Draea Lael (Rose) said...

BAHAHAHA @ Sweetcheeks!

IndigoWrath said...

It's no good. I'm just shit out of poo jokes.

Jamie, shame on you. I may go watch THE FOG and weep for your lost yoof. And try not to think of incontinence nappies.

a Broad said...

I think you missed the part where the men get together in the other room and discuss things to do with their hairlines and other things drooping.

MJenks said...

Oh sure, it's fine for Jamie Lee to make her flushing hand motions on the television screen, all while talking about how everything's movin' right along at an orderly, almost leisurely pace.

But if I break wind in mixed company, I'm suddenly the socially inept one in the room.

Sarah said...

It's the fringe benefit of being a celebrity. People pay them big bucks to sell poopy helpers.

WrathofDawn said...

I seem to remember reading somewhere that Jamie had vowed to never succomb to the seductive obsession that is plastic surgery. I don't pay much attention to what any of them do off-screen, so I could be wrong.

And while actors are appearing in ads, why don't Joan Rivers, Carol Burnett, Kenny Rogers, et al advertise what they appear to be living in?

Wind tunnels... where else would one's skin be stretched back over the front of your skull so tight?

Gigi said...

Nah, we aren't old yet Pearl. Not until we do what my MIL does every time we watch tv. Throughout the whole movie/whatever she says, "oh, it's so sad - he's dead." Then the next few minutes later "oh, she's dead too." and so on and so on.....

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powdergirl said...

Pearl? Have you been looking in the mirror with your glasses on again? Taking them off is just like getting a mini face lift, the wrinkles just disappear!

Cheeseboy said...

This post made me laugh - and hard! I would be much more eager to make fun of Jamie Lee if her husband wasn't so darn awesome. (Christopher Guest)

justsomethoughts... said...

i've heard it said, that as long as you're looking at the grass from the top, you're in good shape.

Casey Freeland said...

Your father wisdom is boundless.

When Jamie proclaimed, "I'm the Crypt Keeper" in Freaky Friday and I looked at her and though, yeah, you kinda are, I knew I was in trouble.

Casey

K A B L O O E Y said...

Good job, Sweetcheeks -- I'd be much more likely to buy if that were the commercial. I think it's really funny that the score to all these products is going to increasingly going to be oldies rock and roll, as we boomers all start buying Depends and checking into retirement villages.

The Retired One said...

Great blogpost, Pearl!!! The older I get the more uncool the young become. haaaaaa

Louisiana Belle said...

Oh, my. This post cracked me up. Every time I see Jamie Lee Curtis hawking Activia it makes my brain hurt. She's just way too cheerful about regularity. I don't like to think about the bowel functions of movie stars.

lisleman said...

good strategy on the age.
I also think everyone should be a picture of themselves as a kid on the facebook profile picture.
I'm guessing you have seen the SNL skit on Jamie Lee Curtis's Activia. If not you should look it up.

Maureen@IslandRoar said...

Yes, what is the alternative??
And btw, I think she's really actually excited about the yogurt. Which is Really Sad.

Jocelyn said...

All of this brings up an important, yet little known, factoid: Jamie Lee Curtis was born with a penis.

GTChristie said...

Jocelyn? What? You mean ... attached? Or ... what? That is so ... irregular. (LOL)