I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Really, If They Got Any Bigger, You Couldn’t Keep Them In The House

Inquiries into the death of Yang, one-time mate to Ying and full-time goldfish, continue amongst speculation that the death was anything but natural.

We take you live to Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), currently perched delicately atop a stack of books, a cat who has alluded more than once that a well-placed shrimp cocktail would loosen her tongue.

“What would a humble being like myself know about such violent goings on?” she purrs, her back leg extended gracefully forward as she bites and pulls on her exposed and flexing claws. “Rumors abound, of course. In such living quarters –“ and here she directs a flat and inscrutable gaze at the garage-sale arm chair in the corner – “one does not expect an over-abundance of decency, of course. But murder?”

Murder?

When pressed, Liza Bean Bitey, abruptly and uncharacteristically, has little to offer. Her little black lips part almost imperceptibly. “I’ve said too much,” she hisses. “Talk to the plecostomus. He knows more than he tells.”

She wraps her tail around herself, stares thoughtfully at its tip. “I myself would never have guessed,” she whispers.



The plecostomus is found suctioned to the tank wall. A fish of few words, he directs a black eye at me, then to Dolly Gee Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers), then back at me.

He raises what passes for an eyebrow in the fish community, looks back at Dolly Gee, back at me and closes his eyes.

The interview is over.

Dolly Gee, in the meantime, seems to have come into a little money, has bought herself a fancy new collar; and the phrase “Keep your friends close – and your enemies closer” comes unbidden to my mind.




Maybe I should buy some canned tuna.

Dolly Gee likes canned tuna.

23 comments:

powdergirl said...

Hahaha, hilarious! I really did LOL : )
Maybe you should call your next plecostomus "Salinger"?

Simply Suthern said...

Better watch Dolly Gee. She was seen recently on Craigslist advertising for one of those little fish tank scuba divers with a working speargun.

Sounds like you may soon find the plecostomas in a can of "Stool Pigeon Of The Sea.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

plecostomus is lookin' a little chubby...Dolly Gee is lookin' a little guiltily gilded...

“Keep your friends close – and your enemies closer”

food for thought...

Irisheyes said...

The other day, Dolly Gee called and invited me over for some lemonade. I declined due to the fact that I had to go to my underwater basket weaving class. Should I be worried?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Did you know there was blurb about the investigation on the TV last night? I was flipping through the news channels when I briefly stopped on FIN (Fish Inquiry Network) to see how King Crab fishing is expected to go this fall, when they mentioned Yang's death. They said Eddie was 'unavailable' for comment. Well, of course he won't comment, plecostomases are MIMES...duh. Everyone knows that. By the way, field reporter Gilda Goldfish is camped out in a bowl under your rose bushes. She's trying to get an exclusive interview with Liza. I'd wager Liza is willing to show Gilda her tonsils - and then her stomach!
=]

Pearl said...

Oh, my, I've set off a maelstrom of imagination around here, haven't I?!

I often think the comments are funnier than the post. You guys are too much!

Mandy said...

The Minneapolis Biteys are known instigators. I wouldn't be surprised to see one of them on the upcoming Real Housewives of Minneapolis.

Douglas said...

I would suspect Dolly Gee or the other two feline members of the household if Yang was missing. But, since he isn't and is known to be deceased, we have to examine motive in this case. It could have been accidental (fishslaughter comes to mind) or suicide. We must provide all suspects due process and abide by the Great American Ideal of "innocent until caught with paw in tank."

a Broad said...

This is a serious Edge of Your Seat Who Dunnit !

Or after consulting with Pup about this mystery, he says, with a yawn, "Fish are born, they die , it is the way of the world... can I have some more chewies now? "

Kal said...

I say to you know now about what I said to the kids when the class goldfish died and when Tippy, my aunt's homicidal dog hung himself - that fish/dog was suicidal and WANTED to die. Don't look at me that way. Maybe with some therapy and medication we could have saved him. Maybe if there was a suicide hotline for fish/dogs there could have been a chance. I also suspect that you fish owed money for gambling debts and Bitty was sent into collect. Things just got out of control as they are apt to under these conditions. One thing led to another and BAM - dead fish. It's best you don't ask TOO many questions.

Pearl said...

Kal, what happens in the tank stays in the tank?!

:-)

Gregory said...

my cat Neo is very fond of paper, first found this when he would gobble the fortune of a cookie included with the take out order... my other younger cat Aries, is constantly bothering Neo with the "play-fight" ordeal... its too funny to watch.

Fred Miller said...

I always blame the cat. For two reasons. They always look guilty. And they are above the law, anyway. They make the perfect suspect for many things ranging from murder to sprinkles on the toilet seat. No cat is innocent. Case closed.

Lynn said...

Too funny! I love your writing and I am going to direct my mom to your blog. She's a writer too.

Gigi said...

Oh the shenanigans going on over there.....I'd be sleeping with one eye open, if I were you.

Cheeseboy said...

Any post that involves a plecostomus in an action story deserves to win awards. How do I nominate you?

Jocelyn said...

Liza Bean Bitey is a bit of an Andy Warhol, eh?

deelexie said...

I love your cat and plecostomus story, awesome and enlightening! I have plecostomus in a big fish tank right in front of my double kitchen sinks. Also, NOT to mention that I have three little devious cats hanging around the tank, yes poor other two little goldfishes in other tank (so they won't be eaten by that plecos!). Anyway....plecos belongs to my guy and he has him (or her?) for a very long time since he was itty-bitty little thing along with two beloved fishes in the tank. It still has grown but lonely....that's sad. Oh well, life goes on! Now, I gotta go and remind my guy to FEED him, lol! Once again, very enlightening!

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd do some DNA tests or get in CSI. Expose the criminal fearlessly in the last few minutes and stun everyone with your intelligence and intuition.

Mr. Stupid said...

HA! This was hilarious. Love the plecostomus story. Enjoyed the read.
Smiles...

Phil said...

That plecostomus is the ugliest thing I've ever seen. And that's after watching Prime Minister's questions...

Pearl said...

This story does bear digging into, doesn't it?

I may have to investigage further...

K A B L O O E Y said...

Wow, um... thanks for introducing me to the plecostomus. He may not be pretty now, but he was somebody's baby once. (learned that from Bugs Bunny) You do seem to have the makings of an Agatha Christie novel in your household. Maybe you can write a novel: an Animal Farm/CSI hybrid. Add some vampires or zombies and you'll be set for life.