Have you been to Sam’s Club? Have you seen the giant jars of mayonnaise, the deals you can get when you buy a hundred pair of socks at a time? Why pay $2, $3 for a jar of jalapenos when you can buy a gallon tub of them for $7?!
Of course unless your diet for the next 30 days consists of jalapenos – and that's probably a blog unto itself – or you have a circle of friends who all want in on your jalapeno bonanza, you’re either going to have nothing but jars of various sizes of that in your fridge or everyone you know will be getting jalapenos for Christmas.
You’re gonna need to store it.
You’re gonna need a bigger house.
Does a person really need 100 rolls of toilet paper at a time? Well, no, but look how much you’ve saved!
And if you play your cards right and only poop at work, you may never have to buy toilet paper again!
OK. I understand. You have quite a few children, and they’ve all grown accustomed to relieving themselves and then cleaning up whenever they need to. I get it.
I smell what you’re cookin’.
But what’s it all mean, the hoarding? Is it truly because it was such a fantastic deal that you couldn’t say no? Is it the need to fill the physical space?
Or is there a different space that needs filling?
I’ve served drinks/appetizers/dinner at private homes that could house four full families, easily. I’ve cleaned homes that are really the size of three. And you know what they keep in their five-car garages, other than three or four or five cars?
Crates of toilet paper. Cases upon cases of pop and bottled water. Sacks of rice. Stockpiles of canned meat.
I know. I know. It’s so much cheaper to buy in bulk. I get that. But what the hell?
It’s all a symptom of a much bigger disease, isn’t it?
I don’t think it’s just the savings. I think it’s the idea that, somehow, by having plenty “on hand”, that we are somehow safe from something. As if all those rolls of toilet paper will save us from whatever catastrophe is on the horizon, whether it’s a recession, a massive shortage, job loss, or locusts.
Do people really think that the extras will help, that they can't be taken away by those who have nothing?
Who are we kidding?
13 hours ago