I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, July 16, 2010

And Now for the Sports

Another Friday! This is like, what?, the 100th Friday this year?

And who are we to doubt it? The calendar says it’s the end of the workweek, I am sick of working, ergo that must be the weekend over there.

If only we had some way of knowing, with only two precious days of time off, what we could expect. If only…

But wait! Step away from your rational mind and consider this thought: the shuffled playlist played during my commute to work on Friday morning tells the future.

What, you don’t believe me? Well check this out:

Pretty Green by Mark Ronson featuring Santo Gold
Cantaloop by Us3
Everybody Ona Move by Michael Franti and Spearhead
You The Man by the Sensational Joint Chiefs
Super Bad by James Brown
Stomp by The Brothers Johnson
Hit it and Quit it by Funkadelic

Now if you can’t make something good happen with that selection, my friend, I don’t know what to tell you.

I can tell you one thing, though.

It’s been a problem for me for years, but I’ve discovered a cure for my insomnia.

It’s Willie’s conversational skills.

He’s a lovely man, don’t misunderstand, but if he doesn’t stop talking about the weather soon, I’m going to stuff his ears with ricotta.

It’s in the fridge. We work with what’s on hand.

Weather, as many of you know, is a staple of conversation through the middle part of the U.S. Minnesota in particular provides a number of interesting weather treats to ponder, including a yearly temperature variance of well over 120 degrees; whirling, sucking wind vortexes; and blinding snowstorms that once drove hearty ancestors to affix rope from the house to the out-buildings and stuff unwary travelers into the slaughtered bellies of oxen for warmth.

And so, while grateful that Willie has a “weather eye” out at all times, what it does to everyday conversations leaves one falling limply off the furniture, eyelids fluttering.

“I see here where the temperature, with the heat index, is going to be around 105 degrees tomorrow.”

“Is that right, Pa?”

He hates when I call him Pa.

“Say, you didn’t happen to catch the rainfall totals for last week, did you?”

“No, sorry. I was totally disinterested and opted to alphabetize the pantry instead.”

“Did you really?”

“No.”

Things could be worse, a fact of which I know firsthand. I’ve had boyfriends who stole my eyeliner, for cryin’ out loud.

Then again, once they learned not to do that we then had two eyeliners in the house…

“Pearl, it’s gonna rain! Grab your umbrella!”

“Willie, there’s not a cloud in the sky.”

“Yeah, but I got a feeling about this one.”

Unfortunately, Willie’s weather feelings are a poor bet. Outside of “probably going to snow tomorrow”, said in the middle of January or “Gonna be windy tomorrow!” in the spring, he’s just making it up.

It’s a cure for insomnia, isn’t it, this incessant weather blather. A carefully interjected “You don’t say” or “That seems different than last season, doesn’t it?” is all he asks for and all I need to ensure ten minutes of conjecture regarding caterpillar stripes and their warnings on the dreadful winter to come.

Frankly, they’re all dreadful..

Still, he gets to talk about the weather with only the mildest of interjections and ribbing on my part, and I get to fall asleep to muted dreams of snowbound cabins and roaring fireplaces.

Another problem solved.

15 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

Oh my gosh, Pearll! I just got back from some really hot states and now I have to listen to my California people whine when it gets up to, like 83, about how hot it is.

Oh, I find I am getting sleepy just writing about the weather!

Simply Suthern said...

Poor Willie. I feel his pain. If it wernt for weather I wouldn't know how to start a conversation. Odds are tho he is prolly only a few percentage points off the weathermans skills.

My insomnia is solved by HGTV. My wife cant miss her House Hunters. But TLC gives me nightmares of little people dancing in my head. Whether it be the Roloffs or Kates brood.

Gotta go, Looks like rain.

Sweet Cheeks said...

The greatest cure for my insomnia...Mr. Cheeks reading aloud to me. I fall asleep literally within moments. He has a very soothing voice.

Annoying for him, delightful for me!
=]

Silliyak said...

Yep, today's gonna be a scorcher, low 90's about 15% humidity! Might have to drive the 30 minutes out to the coast to get back into the 60's Phew!

Sharon Longworth said...

And there was me thinking is was only us Brits who feel a constant need to talk about the weather!
If it's any consolation, my beloved can tell when it's going to rain by the pain in his big toes - or so he tells me.......

Sarah said...

He has a secret dream of being a weatherman. It's not too late is it?

sage said...

I learned how hot, humid and wet your city could be last week--i got soaked in an afternoon thunderstorm! the 120 degree swing is interesting, but it takes a year... having lived out West with elevation, it was uncommon to see 50 degree swings in the same day... but enough talking about the weather.

justsomethoughts... said...

yeah, you're right.
if you cant make that playlist work, you cant make anything work.

here's to the future then.

*clink*

Gregory said...

ok first of all your so called music playlist is missing 2 key ingredients, Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd... this being said, How's the weather up your way? Hot here, hot hot hot... as you can see I work outside (a glass of water is worth 12 fold a bottle of pop)
Advice: start the day with a cup of coffee, no wait, make that a pot of coffee... things will seem different once your brain has melted all over the ground. :)

Gigi said...

At least it's just the weather that I could deal with But a repeat of the exact same conversation you've already had at least 3 times in the past 2 days.....and he wonders why I'm cranky.

mapstew said...

Well it's pissing rain here most of the time, but now I know what to do with my time indoors.
Pantry Alphabetizing should be an olympic sport!

Have a good weekend. :¬)

xxx

Fred Miller said...

My commute shuffle was "Centerfold" by J. Geils, a sermon on Hell by Archbishop Fulton Sheen (skipped), "Watermelon Wine" by Tom T. Hall, "Sex on Fire" Kings of Leon, and a lecture on electromagnetism by Dr. Richard Feynman at CalTech in 1962. I completely missed the weather reports on the radio. But my sweat left enough salt on my skin to kill enough fungus and staph to help me live another day. Ain't life great!

Joanna Jenkins said...

That is one awesome play list this week. Thanks Pearl.
Happy weekend,
jj

imtsmom said...

I think he's just plain brilliant. Period.

imtsmom said...

I think he's just plain brilliant. Period.