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Sunday, June 20, 2010

What I Learned Today, or Your Skirt Looks Weird

I feel that this is the perfect time – both in terms of the day of the week and in terms of our relationship, you and I – to enlighten you on something that you may have wondered about, something that may have left you scratching your head, speculating on the nature of women, clothing, and women in clothing.

But I’m ahead of myself, aren’t I? Because we don’t start out speaking of women in clothing. No, no, no. Women, and their clothing, are something you work your way up to. Slowly. Possibly with margaritas and carefully-thought-out strategies of clothing-removal.

What’s that? You don’t know any women? They’re everywhere. What do you mean, you don’t know any?

Why, right there, in front of you, just half a block up, is a woman. Hey. From the back, she looks completely approachable: two legs, hair. A real looker.

But what’s that? What’s wrong with her skirt? Is there something amiss with your eyes, or does it appear that her zipper, once aligned with the crack of her ass, has moved to her hip?

Oh, come now. Let’s give it some time, shall we? After all, you haven’t even met her and you’re already wondering about that skirt.

Is that zipper moving? What’s going on here?

It is not until you get to the crosswalk, until you’re waiting, just behind her, for the lights to change from red to green, that you see her grab the waistband of her skirt and WHOOSH! turn the skirt 180 degrees.

The zipper is in proper alignment once again.

The light changes from red to green.

Hello. My name is Pearl, and I’m here to talk to you today about a common affliction of many untailored women.

The Traveling Skirt.

Perhaps you are not aware of this. Perhaps you’ve had your suspicions. But know this, and know this now: you will recognize when a skirt needs to be tailored by looking down and realizing that your skirt has turned on you, possibly during your lunch time walk, so that the cute little slit is now in front, the zipper now almost a full 180 degrees from where it was when you got dressed this morning.

Go ahead. Adjust it. No one will notice.

And that’s what I learned today.

I thought you should know.

14 comments:

Sam Liu said...

I had never heard of or saw this problem, so I do thank you for enlightening me in such a charming manner :)

a Broad said...

That was me .... the woman in front of you .... it is more than annoying.
I lost 20 lbs when we moved to Argentina. I only needed to lose 5.
I had to have new clothes from the skin out ... I was able to have a lot of things tailored .. but I have a skirt that looks great, hangs just right but as I walk a block or so, the zipper appears at the side , if I am busy and don't look, it might go all the way around for all I know !
Thank you for noticing, I will pin it to my underwear ... we will see what kind of problems that causes !
Off to Puerto Madero where I will wear warm trousers and sweaters and if They move around, I give up !!
un beso ..from a cold BA

CatLadyLarew said...

I simply avoid this fashion faux pas by never wearing skirts.

dirt clustit said...

What I hear you saying is you feel bathroom worries are not necessary when you take your morning walk because the house on the corner's lawn is so tall that even a man could take a piss standing up and nobody would see as long as he is in the unkempt lawn since it is so tall and furthermore if that man was wearing a skirt it would be just as easy to go #1 or #2 cause you could turn the skirt. (I feel when you because)
I feel when you guys kick my ass at online games for years on end even thinking I am Jesus will not bring me one game won because you still win every time unless the game is how stubborn can I be

Bossy Betty said...

OH! So THAT'S what it is!!! I thought I had those kind of hips like on a moveable Barbies and they just moved on their own around the skirt! Thanks, Pearl!!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I have always maintained that when one must adjust one's ANYTHING, one should do it with flair and one bold movement like a matador with his camp. Distract them with one hand while doing the dirty adjusting business with the other.

Madame DeFarge said...

I recognise this predicament. It's almost as bad as wearing blue and black together. Both must always been adjusted.

Jeanne said...

Because my ribs are not noticeably different in circumference than my waist, my skirts also travel northward.

Nothing like a nice solid crotch to keep clothing decently in place.

Simply Suthern said...

I am a bit unclear here. Are you saying it is ok for me to adjust my clothes or it is OK for me to adjust someones skirt if the zipper has turned? I have seen that but never thought of it as being a huge issue. I have been tempted to pull a lodged skirt from between clinched cheeks on the odd occasion. Is that OK? I just want to help.

Kevin Musgrove said...

Thanks for this. I was running out of excuses for looking at ladies' bottoms.

a Broad said...

Oh god ... I wear black and blue together .. and my skirt travels around.
I am such a loser :(
Does it matter if I am a size 2 ?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Well...clearly the real culprit here is the zipper. Travelling zippers are evil, I tell you! Always coming apart when they feel like it and falling down at inopportune times - its suspicious.

I guess they're not as evil as exploading buttons, but they sure aren't as angelic as velcro either!

Tempo said...

I love women in skirts...dont know why and I guess it's sexist to suggest that they look more feminine, but thats not the reason anyway... I really dont know, but I like it. As for the zipper..I dont care much either way and I'm thinking that the woman in question worries about it much more than those of us that see her.

Ruthibelle said...

Just today, Pearl - I was in this predicament just today.

But that certainly doesn't beat the spoilt zipper at the back