I feel that this is the perfect time – both in terms of the day of the week and in terms of our relationship, you and I – to enlighten you on something that you may have wondered about, something that may have left you scratching your head, speculating on the nature of women, clothing, and women in clothing.
But I’m ahead of myself, aren’t I? Because we don’t start out speaking of women in clothing. No, no, no. Women, and their clothing, are something you work your way up to. Slowly. Possibly with margaritas and carefully-thought-out strategies of clothing-removal.
What’s that? You don’t know any women? They’re everywhere. What do you mean, you don’t know any?
Why, right there, in front of you, just half a block up, is a woman. Hey. From the back, she looks completely approachable: two legs, hair. A real looker.
But what’s that? What’s wrong with her skirt? Is there something amiss with your eyes, or does it appear that her zipper, once aligned with the crack of her ass, has moved to her hip?
Oh, come now. Let’s give it some time, shall we? After all, you haven’t even met her and you’re already wondering about that skirt.
Is that zipper moving? What’s going on here?
It is not until you get to the crosswalk, until you’re waiting, just behind her, for the lights to change from red to green, that you see her grab the waistband of her skirt and WHOOSH! turn the skirt 180 degrees.
The zipper is in proper alignment once again.
The light changes from red to green.
Hello. My name is Pearl, and I’m here to talk to you today about a common affliction of many untailored women.
The Traveling Skirt.
Perhaps you are not aware of this. Perhaps you’ve had your suspicions. But know this, and know this now: you will recognize when a skirt needs to be tailored by looking down and realizing that your skirt has turned on you, possibly during your lunch time walk, so that the cute little slit is now in front, the zipper now almost a full 180 degrees from where it was when you got dressed this morning.
Go ahead. Adjust it. No one will notice.
And that’s what I learned today.
I thought you should know.
GREAT AMERICAN ECLIPSE FROM OUR BACK YARD
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