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Monday, June 14, 2010

… Or a Bit of Undigested Beef…

Like great schools of fish, TV-show themes sweep, turn, and dive together, eventually burning onto the un-greased cookie sheet of public opinion, thus opening the screen to the next phenomenon.

Heading for the pre-heated oven these days?

The supernatural!

We’re up to our remotes in psychic detectives/children, paranormal investigators, and people with full-spectrum cameras and EMF detectors spending the wee hours of the morning filming themselves in pitch-black houses and castles while asking things like “Why are you still here? Are you angry?”

Don’t get me wrong. In the same way that someone 100 years ago would never understand how we could have whole orchestras available for our listening pleasure at any time or how we could possibly speak to someone in London from Minneapolis (how could we ever shout that loudly?), there are always new things to discover about our world. Hey – I’m kind of digging the idea that someone could handle the personal item of someone else and offer up verifiable facts; and I’ve seen some pretty interesting cops-working-with-a-psychic television shows where they’ve done just that.

But presented right alongside that we have the man charging auditoriums of people a couple hundred dollars a head and saying things like “I’m sensing someone whose name starts with “M” or possibly “N”. Does someone here have someone who’s passed on whose name started with an “M” or an “N”?”

Talk about your low-hanging fruit.

Hey! I know someone who died whose name started with an “M”! He must be talking to me!

Jump up, quickly!

“Is it Mike?”

“The woman in the 47th row! Yes, I see Mike right behind you. He wants you to know that he’s happy where he is, that everything is all right and that he’ll be seeing you soon!”

What? Seeing me soon? What?”

But they’re heading to a commercial now; and to go any further into those details would require a personal consultation for which you will pay handsomely.

I’m not saying that there aren’t ghosts. I mean, look at me! How would I know? But having spent 57 minutes of the last hour’s program waiting for the 3-minute “reveal”, which – unbelievably! – turns out to be the recorded hiss and pop that the investigators insist sound either like “I was killed by your lies” or “cheeseburger basket with fries”, I’m going back to TV I can rely on:

Cops.

18 comments:

Pat said...

Being a wannabe cop, Cops was my dad's favorite. I, too, am losing interest in occult shows. Gimme a (non-occult) documentary any day.

Fragrant Liar said...

Heh. Speaking of preheated ovens. Night before last, the wall oven was beeping at 3:00 a.m. It wanted me to set the delay time. I tried to turn it off, and it wouldn't let me. I tried EVERYTHING to get the thing shut off. Two hours later, and to prevent myself from taking a sledge hammer to it, I went into the garage and turned off the breaker for it. Ghosts? Not likely, but if so, I cut off their medium for communicating with me. Go into the light, dudes...

Sweet Cheeks said...

I wonder if they're going to make the next greatest show?....GHOST COPS!

Can't you just see it now?
=]

SparkleFarkle said...

By the end of "...Or a Bit of Undigested Beef...", I could hear that creepy, big-hall-bicycle-riding little boy from The Shining, saying "REDRUM, REDRUM!" over and over in my head. Now THAT's what I call effective writing. Bravo! What was that?! *quickly looks over shoulder to see Casper standing with a bunch of cleaning supplies in his see-through hands* (to the friendly ghost) Did you do the toilets yet? Better get moving, mister!

Man, it is so hard to find good help these days...

Bossy Betty said...

I am sensing someone on a blog somewhere whose name starts with a P who is unhappy with some shows on TV right now....

OH! I am hot this morning!

De Campo said...

Laugh it up.

It's all fun and games until Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) opens a mystical dark gateway to Hades.

I told you that Ouija Board wouldn’t be used as a scratching post.

Douglas said...

While at a seance one night many years ago, a spirit spoke to me and said...

There are no such things as ghosts. Trust me, I should know.

Still, I am not hanging around cemeteries on moonless nights.

Cygnus MacLlyr said...

Mayhap it was "I was killed by cheeseburger basket with fries!"...
Well, mayhap it was!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

See I read all about those subjects as a kid and totally believed that there could be ghosts until I heard Ricky Gervais as why ghosts were not naked. What did their pants ever do that caused them to be enternally damned? And that shirt, did the shirt kill someone thus be similarly cursed? When I contemplated that I knew the whol thing was BS. No ghosts or spirits or haunted mysteries for the Scoopy Gang to solve. That sucks. Those damn kids.

Caleb said...

One time at an uncrowded bar I had someone convinced for hours that the noises we occasionally heard were, in fact, ghosts. She left, freaked out. (FYI it was the ice-maker, but she didn't know that.)

That being said, cool blog. It was kind of hard to read since I don't speak Spanish very well, but I think I have most of it figured out now. Si!

mapstew said...

I got a couple of free tickets to see one of these guys recently, at a University concert hall of all places. My 18 year old daughter was with me. I have never heard such bull in my life, and the saddest part was watching a lot of unfortunate people grasping at anything this obnoxious excuse for a human being had to say!
We didn't bother waiting 'til the interval to leave! :¬)

xxx

The Retired One said...

Hey....leave Jason and Grant alone...I LOVE Ghosthunters!!! And John Edwards! :0}

injaynesworld said...

I have to admit having a fascination with those shows. Maybe because real life is just so much scarier these days. ;)

pilgrimchick said...

I never understood that whole phenomenon--presenters who are "psychic." I've never seen a show live, so maybe I'm missing something. Sounds like I'm not, though.

LucyCooper said...

I don't give a shit about ghosts, but I'm dying to know, is Nessie real?

The Jules said...

I believe Nessie died and his ghost now ushers succesive Shamus into whaley heaven.

I think some sort of combination show would capture the current desire for telly. Maybe where ghost chefs talk interior design whilst giving gardening advice. To antiques collectors.

Tempo said...

Bring on the cookie slide to hell and finally get rid of these shows, and while youre at it how about the 'reality' shows. I gotta say I dont know anybody that vain, shallow and dumb.
Cant speak for the USA, but here in OZ the TV is not worth turning on any more.

Red Squirrel said...

I'm so glad that this culture hasn't reached here yet, but it's only a matter of time I guess.

Time to sell the Television then...