I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

My Mother Would Suggest That I Just Need to Poop

Everywhere I look these days, the people I know are having a hard time, are bored, lonely, unfulfilled.

We can’t all be having a bad day at the same time, can we?

Maybe it’s an avalanche kind of thing: you know, where one person says one thing, someone else picks up the cry, and in no time at all we’re all agreeing that things are lousy.

“Sheesh but everything seems so blah lately.”

“I know. Me, too. I can’t sleep at night.”

“I just don’t seem to have any energy. Nothing seems like fun, you know?”

My own inertia, for example, lies in not trusting my own instincts. For instance, finishing off the pastries at 2:00 a.m. is rarely a good idea; a full night of drinking – no matter how much fun you had there, Bright Eyes – will be followed by a full day of recovery; and sitting in a dark room contemplating past mistakes and current headaches is likely to lead to self-criticism and limit the ability to recognize humor.

I should be avoiding all of these behaviors.

Then again, if I had been more mentally sound lately, I wouldn’t have been in the perfect frame of mind for my new favorite commercial.

Hi, I’m Roni DEUTCH.

Roni is a bankruptcy lawyer with TV ads, an intense, square-faced woman whose first line in the ad sets the tone for the rest of it: “Hi, I’m Roni DOITCH.” Roni is dead serious about providing you first-rate and aggressive representation, and the way she hits that last name is proof of it.

Oh, Roni, Roni, Roni. Your name stays in my head, in italicized CAPS, for hours afterward; my phone rings and I can barely restrain myself from answering “Hi, I’m Roni DOITCH”; I picture the Deutch Family Reunions, crowds of earnestly square-headed folk hitting that last name for all it’s worth.

Ahh. I feel better already, because the power of the monosyllabic “DOITCH” cheers me up, every time. Anytime I start feeling down, I think of my new girlfriend: Roni DOITCH.

You see that? There’s a break in the clouds already.

24 comments:

Sweet Cheeks said...

I actually have a knee-jerk reaction everytime I watch her commercials. =]

First I shudder...then I laugh out loud.

Maybe she shoud've selected a nice radio station to do advertising for her.
xx

mapstew said...

Life can be such a 'Boitch'! :¬)

xxx

Simply Suthern said...

Nothing like someone happy as a clam wanting to help as your financial well being collapses around you. I would have pronounced it Doooch. And down south we can get a good three syllabals out of it.

Douglas said...

Deutchesland uber alles... as they say... whoever the Hell "they" are.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Some names just BEG to be spoken a particular way. We sung out our sons' names ballgame-announcer-style just to be sure they'd come across the stadium/arena okay!

Kelly said...

Arrrgh! I thought only us lucky So Cal people got to experience the great Roni DEUTCH commercials. It's like she's gone viral!

JereLacoste0俊榮 said...

成熟,就是有能力適應生活中的模糊。..................................................

Kelly said...

Yeah, what JereLacosteo said.

Sam Liu said...

Yes, this is very true - one person feels low and that, more often than not, brings the other person's mood down etc...Well, in times like these, I remember that wonderful quote from Durang's brilliant play, "Laughing Wild" - "Cry and you cry alone, laugh and you...cry alone later".

a Broad said...

"doitch... doitch... doitch" ...

that is sort of the sound Pup makes right before he gets sick all over the living room floor.

Ann Imig said...

You and I Pearl. All I can say is RONI DOOIYUTCH. Yes. Absolutely.

Do you remember "AUDRA LEE!" as in "I'm AUDRA LEE. See you next time on KIDS BEAT!!!!"

Brian Miller said...

ha. i need to look up these commercials...

Happy Frog and I said...

It's true, so many people seem to be down and feeling unfulfilled at the moment. Maybe we should watch the advert of which you speak!

mrwriteon said...

But, at the end of it all, maybe Mom was right.

Max Evel said...

I've seen Roni,and she makes me wanna poop.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

It's partially that not pooping well thing. Never underestimate the sheer human spirit lifting thing that a nice poop accomplishes.

It's also having too high expectations for summer. All we cold weather animals do it and its never as good as we think it will be. It's like new years eve.

injaynesworld said...

Roni is in Minnesota, too? I thought only we in California were forced to suffer her presence.

I feel better just knowing that. :)

Little Ms Blogger said...

Roni has not made it to the NY area or if so, I've missed her.

We have Binder and Binder, ambulance chasers with a cowboy hat and a voice over of some actor who was in an 80's nighttime drama show. I can picture him, but can't remember his name. But, I can tell you he speaks low and sounds like he's doing an ad for a phone sex line.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! We're spared this in the UK. But once I saw the word DOITCH and read DOUCHE, it was all over. Indigo

CatLadyLarew said...

Doitch, Doitch, Doitch... that's all you ever do! Love Indigo's take on it!

Mone said...

Germany has lost a people president and just approved another money savings plan which will be carried out on the back of the already poor. Very DOITCH. I'm sick of it!

Bossy Betty said...

Roni would probably give you the same advice your mom gave you but charge you $300.00 for it.

twirl unabashedly said...

i'm in oklahoma city, and thought roni doitch was a local phenom. shes been doing commercials here for years. i had no idea she was in other places.

honeypiehorse said...

Y'know, that's true - Deutsch does kind of pep you up.