I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Just the Right Amount of Reality

That great whooshing sound you heard this morning was not, contrary to gut instinct, the sound of your paycheck flying out a window but the sound of the work week as it hurtled past your disbelieving ear drums and into the tired landscape that is the past.

And here it comes. Here comes the weekend.

Remember how magical weekends used to be?

Growing up, everyone knew that Saturday night was, according to Sir Elton, “all right for fightin’”, even as we knew that the Bay City Rollers would always be there, plaid trousers and suspenders, urging us along: “S-A-T-U-R! D-A-Y! Night!” The music was there to guide us, to push us into love, into large gatherings, into ridiculous displays of air guitar and lip synching…

Ladies and gentlemen! Behold the modern miracle that is the iPod!

Surely it’s accepted, world-wide, that the morning’s playlist on a Friday portends the future?

As Grandma used to say, Oh, Pearl. We don’t worry about that.

Step It Up by The Bamboos
Punkrocker by the Teddy Bears, featuring Iggy Pop
Collapse by Soul Coughing
Love Long Distance by Gossip
McFearless by Kings of Leon
On the Take by Bridge Club
Black Soul Choir by 16 Horsepower *

Exactly. I’m going to need a mirrored disco ball, several pairs of very tight pants, several good friends who know how to keep their mouths shut, and a list of excuses available by noon on Sunday...

Which reminds me…

I’m planning my next sick day.

I mean, I don’t want to waste my time actually being sick.

These things take planning, after all.

I’m not a willy-nilly kind of gal, despite what you may have heard; and there’s no reason to rush into things. After all, with a light at the end of the tunnel, one can endure much.

But what do I call in with? What kind of sick am I?

I had the real Swine Flu just last fall, so that’s out. Faking that requires almost four full weeks of sallow-faced, furrow-browed commitment.

Who's got that kind of energy?

And I’m not interested in recreating the Great Chicken Pox Hysteria of the mid-80s, either – a condition wherein three out of four co-workers came in with real Chicken Pox, causing me to break-out in a rash resembling yet totally unrelated to a pox.

Turns out I'm suggestible.

No, I need something small yet urgent, something that wouldn’t require a doctor’s note – or even a doctor’s appointment – but that would keep me out of the office for a day or two.

If I lost a toe, would that sound suspicious? I broke one once. Of course, I was rather drunk at the time, apparently too drunk to be concerned about the excruciating pain inflicted by the chick on the dance floor with four-inch heels, an excruciating pain that magically disappeared with a couple shots of tequila. In the morning, however, the pain returned and that’s when I discovered the fat purple slug that had replaced my baby toe.

Hmm. OK. No toe abuse.

What about a collapsed lung? Too dramatic? You know, the more I think about it, the less excited I am about this one. While there may actually be a sudden and organic reason for a lung collapsing, I just don’t look like someone who’s lung might do that.

How about the vapors? Is that really a medical condition or is it code for passing gas? I hate to call in claiming flatulence. Do you think I dare call in with “the vapors”, or is that just a good way to get a drop-in from HR?

I think I'm going to sit on this one for a while.

There's no rush. Like I said, as long as there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, one can endure much.


* Not getting enough moody banjo in your life? Dig the 16 Horsepower.

25 comments:

Tail-Kinker said...

Say you allowed the Boy to cook a new recipe and now you're sufferieng the ill effects...food poisoning is my fav :)

De Campo said...

Given these imaginary systems and mystical ailments, your choice is clear.

Report to work that you're too well to come in. Trust me, I'm a Doctor of Metaphysics.

DevilsHeaven said...

A mind numbing migraine usually works quite well.
"a recurrent, throbbing, very painful headache, often affecting one side of the head and sometimes accompanied by vomiting or by distinct warning signs, including visual disturbances"
Who can argue with that?

Argent said...

Say you put your back out - it's a classic and totally untestable without X-rays and whatnot. It's a nice safe plausible alternative to tapeworm infestation anyway.

Greenfingers said...

Please Mizz Pearl...may I borrow your ipod thing for a week!

savannah said...

i'd go with food poisoning, sugar. you can actually turn that into a 2 day break by going on about your guts misbehaving in every possible direction. just make sure y'all sound weak. it's the small details that are most convincing. xooxoxx

Kate said...

I save my sick days to go to the beach in the summer. Because SD winters are hard, yo. And if there's a beautiful day on the horizon and it happens to be a Wednesday? I'm going. Because those days don't happen a lot around here.

Throwing up and diarrhea work well for me. Could be something I ate. Could be the flu. Yanno?

powdergirl said...

Well, there's always the case of 'virulently disinterest"...

You don't want to be bringing a virus like that to the work place, its extremely contagious.

Jodie Kash said...

"Food poisoning" will always getcha a couple of days. Thing is, you can't return bloated.

furiousBall said...

Is this Teddy Bears the same guys that do "Rocket Scientist" it was on Breaking Bad a few episodes ago and ruled all things ruleable

Simply Suthern said...

Just call in Scared. "I'm afraid I can't make it"

The wife has a couple of Bay City Roller Albums under the stereo. They even looked funny back then.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Call in with a Strained Brow....from all that furrowing.
=]

Anonymous said...

Afternoon Pearl. I called in once with a yeast infection. Needless to say, it worked like a charm. However, it also labeled(or liabled) me for life at that job. Scheeesh...some people are so quick to judge. Have a wonderful weekend! :)
Yankee Gal

Little Ms Blogger said...

Food poisoning that caused diarrhea. Ever notice that one word shuts people down.

kyknoord said...

What Little Ms B said. Nothing like calling in with a case of the squirts. Nobody wants details.

a Broad said...

I used to have migraines ( they miraculously stopped after years and years.. there is a God) ... that is a good excuse.. you can't see, if you move your head you can get nauseous and you can't really see.

Or ... you ate something bad .. running to the loo every 5 minutes.. hope it was just something you ate and not some weird virulently contagious stomach flu.

You can't hear .. your ears are ringing .. what ? what ???

Hope this helps.
:o)

Kyddryn said...

Here at Casa de Crazy, we get "The Horribles" when we need a day. Oddly, no one ever wants a definition.

Meanwhile, we live in Redneck Central, Ga, and 'round here The Vapors are a cross between the need to faint and the need for some strong spirits liberally applied internally.

Shade and Sweetwater,
K

Ricky Shambles said...

Jumping on the food poison train, but have some specifics like "Had some bad seafood." If they push, "it was coming out both ends." Keep it tight and non-descript; the herald of a liar is too much detail (because of subconsciously trying to justify it to yourself as much as them). Have a good one!

Douglas said...

Just skip the day, don't bother to call, and show up the next day as if nothing had been amiss. When asked where you had been the day before, just smile and say...

"Why, right here, of course."

And saunter away. I am pretty sure the sauntering is mandatory.

darsden said...

what did you say, I can't hear you I have OIL in my ears...

Flea said...

You reached into the cupboard and your back suddenly just went. Just like that. You lay on your kitchen floor for hours in your pajamas, wishing you'd grabbed your cell phone on the way down so you could call in. But you couldn't move. Finally your cat walked across the counter, knocked it off and you were able to call in. You're in so much pain you can hardly breathe.

Next day? It remarkably popped back into place when significant other was helping you off the floor later that afternoon. SO even cleaned up after you (all day is a long time to lie there without a potty break). You gingerly made your way to the table, scarfed down a meal, then went to bed, propped with pillows.

瓊慧 said...

喘口氣,看個文章,謝謝您的格子囉~~..................................................

Tempo said...

Lots of great ideas there Pearl. How would you go ringing in and saying you dont feel like coming in? Simple, accurate and concise...

FabuLeslie said...

Pink Eye. Or in medical terms, Conjunctivitis. No question. Highly contagious, but gone in a few short days. It's perfect. Nobody wants that in their office.

Or you could go some version of what Phoebe from Friends would say, "Oh, I wish I could, but I don't want to."

WrathofDawn said...

I AM diggin' the 16 Horsepower. Excellent banjo.

George Carlin would tell you to call in with The Willies. NO ONE knows what The Willies looks like. That oughta get you a couple of days of sick leave.