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Monday, June 21, 2010

I Have No Idea Why HR No Longer Takes My Calls

I once worked at a place where the corporate bathroom was more like a living room: couches, a little TV, even a little sewing kit for those early-morning seam splittings. Hated the company, loved the bathroom. Sometimes I think I should’ve stayed there.

The bathroom, not the company.

My current corporate bathroom is a no-frills affair. Four toilets, two sinks, a petting zoo.

OK. There’s no petting zoo. But there should be. It would take the edge off the day.

If I ran corporate bathrooms, they’d look different. Sure, I’d keep the toilets. Seems only right. But there’d be other things as well.

Free “feminine hygiene” – as opposed to the “masculine hygiene” – products. Not to take home and stock up on, you understand, but for those “what the !@#$?” moments.

Hairspray. And not that stinky, sticky stuff, either. The shiny stuff.

I would like a random person – perhaps a different employee every day, perhaps in exchange for lunch – to come in and hand out compliments, i.e., “that’s a great color on you!” Or “for all that sweating you’re doing, you don’t smell at all!" Special treats will be assigned for those giving out the most original compliments, i.e., “you really kept your composure at the last meeting. I don’t think anyone knew how badly you needed to pee.” or “when that guy in the meeting said the economic downturn was really a “blessing in the skies” I think you did a very good job of keeping a straight face”.

How about music, or, at the very least, a recording of a waterfall? How many things are as awkward as a couple of people in the bathroom, each waiting for the other to “go” first? Think it doesn’t happen? Think again, my friend. Women all over the U.S. are wishing that other person would just leave...

Hey. These are really pretty good. I should send them to HR.

They’re all off the top of my head, of course. I have a chart at home -- I could show you! -- but I’m confident that my suggestions will be met with their approval.

I probably shouldn’t spend the bonus they’re sure to award me just yet, though.


mapstew said...

This sounds very familiar, is it a re-post? If not, then it's as a friend of mine would say, "like Deja-Vu all over again"! :¬)


Pat said...

Add...a continuously running silent fan above each stall...or an automatic room deodorizer that give a little spray at the sound of the flush.

I like the complimenter idea. Every restroom should have one of those.

darsden said...

Too funny.. that's great Pearl! You could really geaux some where girl...LMAO

Irisheyes said...

Blessing in the skies! You are too funny. I like the music idea. I would like them to play Neil Diamonds "Forever in Blue Jeans" or how I like to choose to sing "Reverend in Blue Jeans". The petting zoo would also help "da skies" some other unfortunate smells in the bathroom.
P.S. "Cobalt Blue is a great color on you, you look fantastic today!"

Lizzy and Elle said...

Love the thoughts, great thoughts, well made me think..but now I am done thinking once again, but thanks for a moment in the day where I could enjoy some thoughts

Anonymous said...

I'd ask HR if every employee could have their own private bathroom.

One whole floor dedicated to nothing but restrooms.
Think Big!

Sam Liu said...

Pretty good? Why, these ideas are excellent, Pearl! You should most definitely send them off to HR, corporate bathrooms sound infinitely better when under your management :D

Pearl said...

Map, it’s a bit of a re-post and a bit of a re-write. This whole no-computer thing has gotten quite inconvenient. I need more time at a computer than I’m getting!!!

Pat, those are good ideas. The bathroom can be a brutally silent place…

Dar, girl, I’m glad you think so. And I love when you say “geaux”. :-)

Irisheyes, Oddly enough I AM wearing cobalt blue today. Really! And I seem to have spilled something on it, but the complimenter in the elevator (I had him installed a couple weeks ago) says if anyone can pull off a stain, it’s me.

Lizzy and Elle, I’m glad to provide the little break in your day!

Sweets, dagnab it! I never go far enough!

Sam, I’ll do it! I’ll set up a meeting with HR, let them know I have ideas for the bathrooms. :-)

Simply Suthern said...

I hate quiet bathrooms. Need some noise in there to cover up sounds like, uhhhh, You know turning the newspaper pages.

Sarah said...

What a great idea--there should be a petting zoo in every company. Wait, every post office too. No one will ever go postal again!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Before I even read this post I will answer the question in the title first. "I Have No Idea Why HR No Longer Takes My Calls" - It's because you are a irrepentant groper who habitually voilates my personal space. Am I close?

Nope. You are just a serial noise maker on the potty. A noisy fog horn of a person who gives several 'courtesy flushes' but it just don't matter. You hippies and your yoga and your escaping gases. You are all a menance.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I meant UNrepentant (sp?). Doesn't matter. Just shape up sister poopy gas.

Gigi said...

"Women all over the U.S. are wishing that other person would just leave..." a more truer sentiment has never been uttered.

The bathroom is in my line of vision - I only head for it when I know there is no one in there.

Send these to HR and I have a feeling you will be promoted to VP of HR/Bathroom Outfitting

The Retired One said...

If you'd have run the HR Dept. where I worked, maybe I wouldn't have retired yet...I'd love those things in the bathroom. A masseuse (spelling?) would have been GREAT too, to relieve all the neck and shoulder tension.

Cloudia said...

george costanza wants to date you, Pearl

Aloha from Waikiki

Comfort Spiral

Cheeseboy said...

These are brilliant ideas. I'd hire you based on these ideas for the restrooms alone.

I'd like to see the urinals in the men's restrooms be completely walled in. Those little boards in between the urinals just are not enough sometimes.

Joanna Jenkins said...

I once worked for a really, really big company who purchased a building and designed the inside specifically for our division-- They put in 6 stall bathrooms with ONE 40 watt light bulb-- on purpose-- so people didn't spend their time "reading" in the bathroom. All together now-- Cheap!

I like your compliment idea!


IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Guys are different. We give prizes for making the most noise, and frequently catcall from adjacent stalls. It's a riot being male, I can tell you. Indigo

Ruthibelle said...


yes, send them your suggestions and see what they say...

we await the post informing us of the outcome.

GTChristie said...

One word: autoflush.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Did somebody say this was a repost? What? Now we're getting recycled posts? Greatttt. I don't know if I'll ever return here again. ;)

Kidding. So where's the photo of the chart? You need more photos in your posts. :)

Jon said...

Recycled post? Excellent. In these austere days we need more of this sort of thing.

Never trust HR. Take everything they and recast it in the worst possible light.

These people used to be called "Personnel" but now they are"Human Resources" which ranks the working bod with consumables like loo paper.

They are pure evil.