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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Begging for Blogcess

My laptop took ill last week. And since then, I’ve been cheating on it.

I expected to feel bad, but I don’t.

“Wanton, aren’t you?” said Mary.

“I never made any promises.”

“Didn’t you?” she said, smiling. “Wasn’t that you with the warranty?”

“The warranty expired,” I said coyly. “Besides, writing has nothing to do with the keyboard.”

And it doesn’t.

I wrote everything longhand until just three years ago.

“When you write,” asked my boss at the time, “how do you do it?”

“What do you mean,” I said. “You mean like how do I find the time, or how, physically, do I do it?”


“I write it out. I have a favorite pen, Mr. Black, and I write it out, every other line, in a notebook.”

She looked at me sideways. “Isn’t it your birthday in a couple weeks?”


“You have my credit card?”

I was her assistant. She knew I had her credit card. “Yes.”

Gayle had a way of looking you directly in the eyes at times, and she did it now. “Use it. Buy yourself a laptop.”

I stared at her.

She turned to pick up her phone. I turned to leave.

“Pearl?” she called.

I faced her.

“Don’t go over a thousand.”

Like so many other things I believed could not be improved upon – hot fudge malts, grilled food, sex – it was again proven to me that what you start out with is probably not the experience’s pinnacle.

My Birthday Present, as I came to think of it, was fudge after a lifetime of chocolate.

And now? Yes. I am wantonly cheating on it.

My Birthday Present would want it that way, don’t you think? I mean, it was always about the end product, not about the way we got there.

Besides. It’s an object.

I’ve become a computer opportunist.

Hey, you mind if I use your computer for a bit?

Friends and family have been gracious about it, and I am forced, as they say, to get it where I can. I write, visit blogs, comment frantically. How long can this go on? How long before I run out of my supply of people’s goodwill and am forced downtown to hold a cardboard sign that says Will Work for Internet Access?

As it turns out, a couple of weeks.

My Birthday Present will be back fully functioning – we have an understanding, after all – and I will once again have easy access to the space between both my and others’ minds and written words in roughly two weeks.

Until then, I live by my wits and stalk the wild keyboard.


Pat said...

Oh, you wanton woman, you. But your laptop will never know.

Pearl said...

Pat, :-)

Bossy Betty said...

You ARE a wild woman! Please practice safe keyboarding while you are on this streak of wild abandon.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

wow! So sweet of her!!

Andrea -The Blogging Mama said...

Swing on down to Cincinnati Pearl! We like to share our keyboards with wayward bloggers.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Do people look you strangely, when you whip out a roll of saran wrap and completely envelope their keyboard before using it?
Probably not.
Hanging a tree shaped air freshener on the monitor may be a tad overkill though....

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Sam Liu said...

Oh I'm so pedantic about my laptop - I have to use it, otherwise (for some unknown, peculiar and worrying reason which I should probably go and see a doctor about) my writing skills cease to exist - I become a babbling, illiterate fool. But, I am sure your Birthday Present won't mind, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Right? :D

savannah said...

hold on, is that laptop a present present that y'all never have to turn in or just what y'all get to use in the office? xoxox

(i'm slow today, help a sister out, ok?)

beaux said...

I love your boss.

Simply Suthern said...

I thought those blogs didnt sound like your computer. I thought I was hearing voices. Now I know.

Could you have your bosses people talk to my bosses people? Mine is (cough cough)acting up a (cough cough) a bit as well.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Bloody hell, is this laptop/blogger relationship supposed to be monogomous? I've got a lot of explaining to do...
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

If someone close to you pays for the hooker it's not really cheating. I can see you using all the coupons you can find and every scheme and scam to get what will amount to a damn near sentient lap top creature. So get one with a cute tush. That is the advice I give anyone buying me a hooker too.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Keyboarding around, have you? Well thank goodness you haven't moved a much younger, faster, more stable PC in yet because you know how jealous those thin little laptops are...

Cheeseboy said...

My laptop has been cheating on me with my own wife!

Also, that last sentence was so perfectly crafted it gave me blogger chills.

Pearl said...

It's my very own laptop, Savannah, one with the good taste and craftiness to tell me I look great when I don't, suggest various locations with margaritas on tap. I miss it terribly.


IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! It's kind of like when my local Domino's closed for refurbishment, and me and Difficult had to hunt feral pizzas for a fortnight. With a blunderbuss. Whoever said the thrill is in the chase needs their ass kicking. The thrill is ordering online, and then watching a movie 'til it's delivered. You should totally invite us to your next party. Indigo

Lynn said...

Does your boss need any other employees?
:)You are a great writer!

The Retired One said...

Remember to use protection...and then use protection for the protection...they are only 99% effective you know. hahaaaaa

Douglas said...

I am downsizing my laptop. I do this because, in my moment of greatest need (no pun intended) right after the Great Kneecap Caper, it decided to stop working. There I was cruising through some po... uh, interesting research... when it just powered down on its own. All attempts to revive it met with failure. I even offered it chocolate, as well as memory upgrades. All to no avail.

So, now I am wandering along the digital boulevard, eying the more delectable,younger, and prettier notebook style sisters of that overweight and unresponsive first love.

And I, too, do not feel remorseful at all...

Joanie M said...

Tell your boss that my birthday is September 21. I'll be 55. A laptop or even a netbook would be terrific!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Charles Bukowski has a great poem about his first poem written on a computer and how there was no turning back. He had a beloved Underwood typewriter but he couldn't resist the swan song of a Mac.

By the way, do you know about THIS?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Your boss rocks. I cheat on my computer ALL the time. But never on my husband.
Longhand? For real?

That Baldy Fella said...

Aside from blogs, I still write everything longhand and then type it up afterwards. I like having notebooks full of scribblings. Plus, when I type it up, it's second draft time as I change all the bits that aren't working. Longhand still rules. Even though my handwriting looks like an ink-dipped spider having an epileptic fit across the page.

Pearl said...

:-) Computer access again! Mwa ha ha ha haaaa!

And Unbearable?! Holy !@#$!@#$!!!! Charles Bukowski and RUSH in the same comment!!!!! My inner (and outer) geek/stoner is all atremble. Thank you, thank you!