I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Willie Suffers

My husband’s calves are the size of a Sunday roast.

He comes from a long line of large-legged people. His father is large legged, his brother is large legged, and his mother? Her legs appear to be one solid bit from calf to foot, a feature known colloquially as a “cankle”.

You may safely conclude from this description that his mother and I are not close.

You may also conclude that the size of Willie’s calves have been the subject of many conversations.

What? You don’t talk about body parts?



“If we were flying over the Andes, and the plane went down –“

“Oh, God,” Willie sighs. “This isn’t the we-eat-your-calves-first conversation again, is it?”

“No! No! Of course not!” It is. “But I’m just thinking that in the future we may want to pack snacks when we fly. You know, things like carrots and onions and potatoes, maybe packets of salt and pepper –“

“There might be something wrong with you.”

He doesn’t mean it.

There’s also my theory on the nomadic nature of his ancestors.

“Hey, Willie.”

Willie sighs heavily. It is clear that he suffers. “Yes?”

“Where do you think your people were from?”

“The Netherlands.”

“No, I mean, like, don’t you think hundreds of thousands of years ago your people were bounding up and down mountain sides, locking their legs around the necks of saber-toothed Big Horn Sheep or something?”

“Or the necks of their wives.” He pauses, feeling this needs softening. "Ha ha," he adds.

He keeds, this one.

We all have our physical distinctions. I, for example, seem to have a flat spot on the back of my head. Sure it’s strange, but it’s also handy for sleeping on the floor. My mother denies that she strapped me to a board as an infant, but she’s a shifty one. I have my suspicions.

Flat head. Monster calves.

Ah. Life’s rich pageantry.


reasonably chubby said...

This was funny Pearl! Thanks for making me laugh! :)

Pearl said...

You're welcome, RC. :-)

steelxmagnolia said...

Pearl, where do you come up with these off the wall observations? I bow to you queen of irreverence and wit. Cheers!

Pat said...

Hey, my husband is Dutch and has large calves, too...maybe Willie and Jerry are distant cousins. I think the calf size developed as those Dutchmen slogged through the mud of the lowlands building dijks (levees).

Simply Suthern said...

You forgot the foil.

Lindzena said...

Ha! That made me laugh. :) Large calves... that definitely makes boot shopping an ordeal.

Pearl said...

Steel, it's a curse. And a blessing. And good for a free drink every now and then. :-)

Pat, I love that theory!

Simply, but of course! The leftovers!

Pearl said...

Lindzena, but it's quite impressive in a pair of shorts. :-)

Jeanne said...

I am cursed with tiny, tiny ankles. When I wear boots, it looks like I'm standing in a bucket.

furiousBall said...

my elbows kick ass

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Hey, I have a flat head, too. My mom swears it comes from her putting me in hats incessantly when I was a baby, which may explain the reason I don't wear them now. We could stand back to back and look like a block head. Wait. That doesn't sound right. At least your hubby has a flat surface to put his large calves...you know, after the crash and everything.

Anonymous said...


Honestly, you slay me.

I hope you're happy now, I'm dead on the floor at work. Not surprising...no one notices.
Laughing to death is a good way to go!

Mr C said...

I love your blog - it never fails to lighten my mood after a day teaching cynicism to the impressionable generations.

Kabbalah Rookie said...

This post is hilarious - was chuckling (sorry - guffawing) from start to finish.
If we're ever on the same flight together, should I bring mint sauce? Or horseradish?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Yeh I love the way you find the strange in the mundane. However, I would never hire you for my image consultant. Because then you would draw attention to my webbed feet and extra toe.

Bossy Betty said...

Be sure to carry some Shake 'n Bake on every airplane flight--just in case.

The Retired One said...

You had me laughing at this one Pearl...my husband has the lumpiest head I have ever felt on a human (not that I go around feeling everybody's heads..well, I mean just my CLOSE friends..ahem) and he is slowly losing his hair. Which means the future is not going to be all that pretty...just sayin...

Hilary said...

As long as the kids don't have flat calves and monster heads, you ought to be ok.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! You've a flat back to your head? I expect that's from Willie hitting you upside with a four by two for coveting his calves for your favourite recipes? You don't remember? Well, concussion's a tricky thing. Indigo

Tempo said...

From a very early age I rode a push bike (cycle)I rode it every day and everywhere, including on the highway for extended trips...result: Huge Calves, even after all these years of sitting on my ass I still have big calves...Just a thought!

Irisheyes said...

You are a flippin nut!! I think a little pee came out on that one! Please don't tell anyone. That was just too darn funny.

Anonymous said...

Hey Pearl..We too have our physical abnormalities. Craig suffers from what he calls "baby bearing hips". I have a completely flat back. From the side, I look like I've been run over by a cement mixer. No J.Lo. booty here. Alas, the wit is intact! See you soon, Baboon. TOW-Peg (p.s...excuse the "anonymous", I'm computer-challenged.

Jocelyn said...

See this is why I like you so much: I have, MANY TIMES, had the "when the plane goes down, please feel free to drag your broken bones over to feast at the Dead Jocelyn Buffet, and I urge you to start with my ear lobes, as they would make an awesome hors d'oeuvre" conversation with my husband.