I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

The Unbearable Lightness of the Workplace

I was sitting at work the other day when it occurred to me how horribly futile my work life had become.

You can imagine my surprise.

Had I shown any previous incarnation of myself my current workload, I would’ve laughed me out of the room.

Observe the Keyboard-Crested Number Monkey. She didn’t used to wear a keyboard on her head, but since it’s always on her mind in one form or another she’s gotten quite literal about it and now insists it’s a hat.

She has also begun to refer to herself in the third-person. An attempt to distance herself from the action, no doubt.

Her behind, expanded to the width of her chair, her pupils fixed and dilated, she spends her time developing carpal tunnel in exchange for medical benefits, a catch-22 style loop that ensures both wrist issues and prescriptions for the anti-inflammatory drugs needed to treat them.

Someone should warn the next generation.

Don’t do it, kids! If someone asks you if you can make coffee, tell them you’re allergic to coffee grounds. If someone suggests that you work in an office “just to make a little extra cash”, tell them you never learned the alphabet, was once traumatized by a collating machine. Tell them you have a creeping case of Tourette’s and cannot guarantee obscenity-free documents.

We’ve all heard it before, but maybe it’s time we took it in, drank deeply of the cup and chanted it into the night:

Friends don’t let friends type.

21 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Carnal Tunnel? Sounds really serious. Not sure you get that from typing. You dating the boss??

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Amen to this. We are moving offices today to a new, more corporate environment where clear desks and business suits are a must.
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

ICKY said...

Use the best excuse ever....
EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.
Will get you out of anything, with no further discussion.
make copies....oooh sorry, explosive diarrhea.
OOh, I would run that over there for you, but explosive diarrhea.
Can't type, explosive diarrhea.
And so on.
Works every time.

Jodie Kash said...

But if you did not type, this here blog would be no more, unless you hand wrote each entry and mailed it via post to 492 followers. That's a lot of stamps.

Oh, we're talking professional versus recreational typing. Yeah, I feel you.

Cheeseboy said...

That poor woman. We should start a fund. Maybe we can get one of those blog buttons that say, "give to the carnal tunnel lady"?

Sweet Cheeks said...

"obscenity-free documents"

OH!...Well,that explains the memo I read the other day. At the bottom of the new dress code description were the words, 'Stinky Poo Poo'.
Go figure.

Lo said...

Ah, you young 'uns don't know how to be grateful. 55 years ago the only thing that saved this starving artist from starving was someone hiring her to type labels and do filing.......I loved (nearly)every minute of it and kept trying to invent ways to do it better........

Isn't anyone grateful for having a job anymore?

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I thought the phrase was 'friends don't let friends type DRUNK' which leads me to the obvious solution to your problem. You need to stock you clutch with tiny liquor bottles or rum soaked anythings. Who would ever know? You are sure to be slurring your words any day now from natural causes. If you suddenly break into song all that will happen is that they will return to playing music over the intercom. It's a win win baby. (The fact that I may or may not be drunk the morning I wrote this should not take away from the truth of what I speaked)

Anonymous said...

Once you get your advance and start on your book tour, I would strongly encourage you to moon anyone that asks you to make coffee. Come to think of it, I think that "mooning" is in the dictionary under "de-pants-cipation"! The whole thing sounds lke an episode of "Mad Men". Tell him/her "It's 2010 fawgawdsake. Make your own frickin' coffee" unless he/she doesn't have the brains to operate such a difficult machine. P.S...re: your booktour...I'm available to carry your bags but I'm allergic to coffee grounds (she said while drinking her 4th cup of the day). Cheers! TOWP

injaynesworld said...

"Friends don't let friends type." LOL!

In defense of typing, it is the one thing I learned in high school that made those lost years valuable in any way. Well, I did make a pair of plastic salad bowl utensils in Crafts class that I still use to this day, but I've never actually seen a job ad requiring that skill. Yeah, I actually took crafts class.

Pearl said...

I have to admit that the typing class I took in high school is one of the few classes that was actually applicable to the real world.

And I am grateful for my job -- I just need to be reminded ever-so-often. :-)

Sam Liu said...

There's something rather...philosophical about this post, it's also very true :D

Flea said...

I just use the excuse that I'm busy burning baby animals. Works every time.

Kr√ęg said...

Just remember the phrase: "I'm not sure I remember how to do that. Can you show me?" You must use it EVERY time someone asks you to do something. They'll quit asking eventually.

I could understand being grateful for ANY desk job 55 years ago, when corporations weren't hell bent on maximizing profit at the expense of their employees and industrial jobs outnumbered corporate jobs.

These days, I'm grateful to work for a company that values me as much as I value them. It's nice not to be treated like a child by the company for which you work.

Anonymous said...

Pearl Girl,

What you are doing is WORSE than typing. It's data entry!

mrwriteon said...

It's that carnal tunnel syndrome that would concern me. She obviously hasn't just been typing.

powdergirl said...

One would thnk that a proper the anti-inflammatory would also treat the expanded to chair-size behind.

WrathofDawn said...

OMG! Am I on candid camera? Or just CCTV...

I love my job dearly, but it is having the effects on me that you describe above. It's the pink-collar version of industrial disease. Still, it keeps me in anti-inflammatories, so there's that.

I, too am allergic to coffee grounds, but can tolerate the liquid form. But only in 8 oz. increments every few hours. Two milk, one sugar.

If it's not too much trouble.

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl--I am 50 years old. Is it to late to heed your words now???

My name is PJ. said...

AMEN! I'm all over that Tourette's Syndrome excuse!!

GTChristie said...

The typo in the keyboard post. And I read right past it. LOL. Accidental thought it was, you've coined a new affliction! And the keyboard helped! I love technology.