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Monday, May 24, 2010

So The Plan Will Be To Steal an RV and Move to Warmer Climes

Any time the world is quiet, residential streets empty of cars and pedestrians, my mind goes directly to the End of the World, a game I played as a child.

Gosh, how much fun must I have been as a kid, huh?!

I was a worried and serious child and have grown into a worried albeit silly adult. And honestly, if I had my druthers – and you know I’ve been working all my life on developing my druthers – I’m glad it worked out like that.

Every day I enjoy the fact that it all started out a bit worrisome but has turned out to be a lot of fun.

In other words, I’m silly; but I pay my bills.

So it was not unusual for me that today, a Monday on the week prior to a three-day weekend, was an End of the World scenario. Am I the only one working in the U.S. today? Everywhere, people with vacation time are tacking on to the approaching holiday weekend. I walked to the bus stop down the middle of the street, no one to stop me. I crossed against the lights. I waited for the bus for 10 minutes and saw only a handful of cars. Even now, as I’m sitting here on the bus at 7:20 in the a.m., delightfully geek-ish and taking notes, there are only nine people with me, and two of them appear to be asleep.

Or dead. It is the End of the World scenario, after all.

Being alone has always had a strange effect on me; and in no time at all, in my mind I have gone from a bus on a deserted street to being on a transport vehicle carrying the only survivors of a global plague. A sweeping viral infection has circled the globe in a three-week period...

I surveyed the bus.

So this is what we have to work with.

The world is in trouble, ladies and gentlemen. None of these people – myself included – look like they’re up to the challenge of birthing a new civilization.

In light of the need to be practical in this practically ridiculous scenario, I have taken stock of myself; and I think you’ll be as surprised as I was to discover that I am going to be of no help whatsoever:

 I know how to milk a cow, but I’d rather not.
 I would not trust me to set your broken bones, help you deliver your baby, or pull one of your teeth.
 I don’t know how to repair any kind of engine.
 I can’t remember if the cure for a snake bite is sucking the poison out of it or peeing on it. I know that peeing on something is a cure for something… You kinda hate to be wrong about this sort of thing, but I think if we’ve already descended to the level of peeing on things that it won’t be the biggest of your worries.
 I have never built a structure of any kind and am still confused as to how roofs remain roof-like.

Of course, this does not mean I am entirely without skills. Why, I know how to roll my own cigarettes, can both knit and crochet, and am quite good at conveying ideas via pantomime.

So if we need to take a smoke break under a pile of hippie-style scarves with, say, Albanian immigrants, you’ll want me there.

I could go on and on, but I think I’ve made my point.

Thank goodness we’re all perfectly safe, huh?


Jess said...

SAFE FOR NOW! Everyone knows you can use hippie scarves as a fishing net! And we all know that smoking and fishing go hand in hand. Wait. Maybe that was smoking and coffee. Well, almost the same.

Pat said...

You can keep us laughing at the end of the world. And warm, too, with big scarves.

broken silences said...

Please do not underestimate the ability to both crochet and roll cigarettes, after all if it is indeed the end, those that are with you will undoubtedly need mittens, socks, and scarves. Not to mention the calming sensation of the smokes.

Kate said...

We regularly played this game when the Swine Flu panic was running around. We'd devise schemes to get our friend's husband quarantines elsewhere and then the girls would move into the compound (her farm) and RULE THE WORLD!

Everyday Goddess said...

I think it would be a much happier world if we all wore hand knitted Albanian hippie scarves.

I never could master the rolling my own smokes. Damn you're talented!

sage said...

Who up here is now thinking of warmer climates, it's hot! Steal the RV and head up into Canada...

The Jules said...

I believe direct application of urine is the appropriate treatment for ear infections.

Try it.

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

I hope I never suffer any kind of injury near you, Pearl...
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

furiousBall said...

RVs are great for cooking meth in the middle of the New Mexico desert

Flea said...

An RV! Let's go around the country saving lives! Even without skills, you can stock up on canned goods (and a can opener!) and warm clothes! And gas for the RV! I'll go with you. I'm not a nurse, but I played one on TV! It'll be fun, the End of the World!

Anonymous said...

Almost impressive Pearly Girly.

REALLY impressive would be if you could pantomime crocheting a cigarette...
AND...where exactly do the zombies fit into this scenario?! They are key to the end of civilization as we know it, aren't they?

Sent you a present..check your snail mail. xxx

Cheeseboy said...

I love reading your blog. Always clever. This one is no exception. I think you pee on a bee sting, but I am not sure.

a Broad said...

My advice would be to suck first then pee ..
If it is a bee sting, I run screaming so the world would definitely end if bees attacked.. I would not be any help.
We are celebrating a Bicentennial tomorrow.. this is a 4 day weekend and my town is also a ghost town of sorts... although those freaking buses run no matter what .. great noisy smelly monsters. grumble grumble.
I think if you feel like going somewhere warm, you should come visit me.
It is autumn now, so you have til Nov to settle things there and move down here.
There are cows but they keep them out on the pampas so you don't have to mess with them.
There are horses and they are so beautiful, not to mention those guys that ride them, that you would be happy here, I betcha.
And as for location ... I think I am living at the Bottom of the World so that is close to being the End of the World, no?

MJenks said...

At the end of the world, will you be pantomiming blog entries?

'Cause that might be kinda awesome.

Sam Liu said...

I thought I was the only one! I am so happy to find someone else who experiences these End of the World scenarios, often I have been in the city and noticed that there are very few cars or people. And in a place that is usually so busy and bustling, I find this extremely eerie...and thus my apocalyptic chain of thought ensues.

My favourite part of this post (except for realising that I am not the only one who has these bizarre thoughts) was "I know that peeing on something is a cure for something… ". That had me laughing out loud! :D

Simply Suthern said...

MOMMMM!! She's playing end of the world again!!!!

LMAO, I have never played that. We climbed trees and pretended to be monkeys. Maybe we were playing beginning of the world. NAH, that aint it.

I think I would be pretty handy, just in case it happened tho. I watched alot of McGyver episodes and know what to say when there is a snake bite involving sucking the poison out. "Doctor says you aint going to make it"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Hey, we'll all bring our strengths to the apocalypse. I'll proofread everything, make peanut butter sandwiches and tell jokes.

Pearl said...

I have to stop reading you guys' comments while I'm at work. All the laughing and snorting coming from my cubicle is undignified.

But how else would I get through the day? :-)

a Broad said...

Well, I think I am sticking with Green Girl in Wisconsin .. she'll proofread .. that means a lot in some places .. so do the peanut butter sandwiches and jokes.
Pearl .. get to work... if someone asks why you keep snorting, tell them you have a cold ... that you might have to go home early ..

Kevin Musgrove said...

I spend months looking round our management suite coming up with similar lists to yourself (we are The End Of The World!). Except in our case I would add:

 couldn't run a bath.

Argent said...

I played and still play, the-bus-has-just-passed-through-a-portal-into-another-dimenson. I amuse myself by trying to work out who would be the leader, what skills would the others have - me, I can do sarcasm, tutting and arm-folding.

Anonymous said...

No, no. You're supposed to pee on someone when they're having a seizure. Or wait. What? I'm pretty sure that's it. Google it.

Ok, ok. I'm good with some skills too... I will kill flies when they come around all the dead bodies and piss us off by buzzing loudly. Flies make me crazier than a loon until I kill them, so I've gotten good at it. Also, I can distract people from talking too much about themselves, or an inappropriate moment by paying them a compliment. Oh, and I can't milk a cow, but really want to. So. You know. There ya go.

Joanna Jenkins said...

If knitting won't help than I'm in trouble too. Yikes!

Tempo said...

Peeing is the correct response for someone on fire Jen... as for the end of the world..bring it on!

Anonymous said...

You KILL me, gal! Your sense of humor is priceless. You need a column, no a book, no a t.v. pilot or major motion picture. Now, who is gonna star as you? And, can I get them coffee? (even 'tho it's 2010 and no longer appropriate?)