I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, May 31, 2010

No, No, No, You Can’t Talk Me Out of It

I’m thinking we grill for dinner tonight.

I don’t even really care what it is: Meat, vegetables, fruit, bread, bits of old string – everything’s a treat on a charcoal grill. Even the cheapest of hot dogs, charred ever so slightly? Who cares what they’re made of? What you got yourself there is a tasty dinner!

There are people who will tell you that a propane grill is just as good as charcoal, even better, because it’s “more convenient”. Those people are lying to you and cannot be trusted.

A propane tank may be more convenient, but it sacrifices flavor; and if we’re willing to sacrifice flavor, where do we go from there? What are the other shortcuts we’ll be taking?

Next we’ll be replacing showers with “pre-moistened towelettes”; and once our standards are gone we’ve nothing left but the hope of steady employment and three-day weekends.

Convenience is not the name of the summer-grillin’ game. It’s all about the flavor. (That’s “flavor”, and not “flava”, something else entirely that may result in your own reality show and perhaps gold orthodontia – a completely different kind of “grill”.)

Summers in Minnesota are precious and prized seasons. You know the joke, don’t you? Minnesota: Nine months of winter and three months of bad sledding. It may have been five months since we last walked through our own yards, and we've assembled outdoors, stumbling, gratefully, toward our patios, our garages, looking for our grills, our croquet sets.

Don’t tell me we can’t wait another 45 minutes for the coals to get ready!

So much of what we do and how long we allow ourselves to do it has boiled down to convenience, hasn’t it? Well dagnab it, people, I’m taking a stand! No more hot dogs blown up in the microwave! No more food that’s been delivered to me through a drive-through window! No more microwaveable queso dip! No more canned soup!

OK. Well maybe I’ve gone a bit far with that. There’s nothing – ahem – wrong with canned soup. Canned soup has many redeeming qualities, can keep you from having to run out and spend ridiculous amounts on lunch during the workweek and has recently become an office desk-drawer staple.

Canned soup is very convenient, you know.

But propane versus charcoal?

I remain firm on my charcoal grill stand.

23 comments:

injaynesworld said...

Propane barbecues are just nasty. Out here we do a lot of barbecuing over burning oak. That's pretty amazing, too.

Hey, congratulations on hitting 500 followers! A tribute to your consistently charming posts. I bow to your awesomeness at coming up with them every single day.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Yep. And it's not just that they don't taste as good. They taste weird. You can taste the propane, if that makes sense. I'll have my English bangers slow and burned, as nature intended. Toasted bun, cheese, chilli relish *drools*. Indigo

FabuLeslie said...

Um, if you're firm on the grill stand, where is the grill? ha. Sorry. I can never resist a terrible pun. Now that we got that out of the way...

Propane may seem more convenient, but you are right. Those people are lying. Have you ever tried to carry one of those canisters back to a repository? NOT convenient at all. I'd much rather have to carry the charcoal home and then never see it again. Except maybe a little during clean up. But who really cleans up from grilling? Oh, right. People who use propane.

I'll take some grilled fruit skewers please. Pineapple and peaches and pears, oh my! Deelish. Welcome, Summer, 2010!

pegbur7 said...

It’s all about the flavor. (That’s “flavor”, and not “flava”, something else entirely that may result in your own reality show and perhaps gold orthodontia – a completely different kind of “grill”.)

I am SO glad I had finished eating because I would have spewed food on my computer screen when I got to this line. You are hysterical!

Simply Suthern said...

Hangs head. I'm Hank Hill, All things propane. Not defending it, Just fact.

You are right however. Charcoal or oak smokin is better. I am all about convenience.

What's next? Riding the bus to work instead of walking??

a Broad said...

I totally agree with you.. even though I only used to eat chicken hot dogs.
Anything on a grill is better. Even fish and veggies. or bread ! Bread is so good charred lightly on the grill..drooling just a little at the thought.

I had not heard the joke about Minnesota... lol. I liked it.

I now live in a place where it snowed once in 97 years. This is quite a nice thought, that it probably won't happen again, any time soon.

Now to gag you ... my husband used to take a chicken hot dog, wrap it in cheese, put it in a roll and .... yep ... microwave it.

mrwriteon said...

Grilling is godly. With that I cannot argue. And I appreciate the wonderfulness of hot charcoal. But, I am a lazy bastard and I cherish our gas grill. Actually, natural gas rather than propane, so I don't even have to get off my ass to go to get tanks filled. Indolence is its own reward.

The Savage said...

Propane is okay... if ya wanna be a pansy about outdoor cooking... Charcoal or wood is the way to go....
And me? If I lived in Minnesota (I have experienced your winters working up there) I would still be at the bar be que when a steak is in order even in the dead of your frosty frozeness...

Kevin Musgrove said...

The English barbecue: two hours coaxing a clagging fog out of a tray of damp charcoal, followed by a plate of black, crunchy thingy with cold, damp innards (usually pink and probably meat related).

(If it turns out that they're not meat-related please don't tell me.)

Madame DeFarge said...

There is nothing as good as man burning meat. Not only does it offer eating opportunities, but I can sit at the side and offer constructive criticism too.

Sweet Cheeks said...

We use propane, but we add our own hickory wood to the flames for that wonderful BBQ flavor. I don't wait, we just hit the button and voila!
Lazy...yes...yummy...you bet!
=]

mapstew said...

See, now you got me hungry again! :¬)

xxx

Bossy Betty said...

If I set my tiny George Foreman on fire and roast over it, does it count?

Cheeseboy said...

Canned soup should be a Memorial Day tradition from now on. And charcoal just tastes better.

Yours has been a favorite read of mine for a couple weeks. Thank you for your kind comments about our first grade program. I have added you to my blog roll as well.

I love Minnesota btw. The Walsh's were from Minnesota.

powdergirl said...

Hi Pearly Whirly Girl!
I honestly laughed my ass off at the flav reference, especially when you got to the bit about the grill : D

The Retired One said...

We totally caved and went propane. I know....
but we're old now.
ha

Laoch of Chicago said...

Charcoal Rules!

Tempo said...

Having just finished a meal of Kentucky fried chicken I have no right to comment...but I will anyway.
I built a rotisserie from an old beer keg a couple of years ago and I'm still learning to cook in it properly but I've got to agree with you. Charcoal is the best for taste, never mind the choking smoke, the black hands, the hour of preparation, the two hours of scrubbing afterwards.....actually, just hand me the pizza flier and phone!

kyknoord said...

This is why Twitter is such a success. It's like blogging, but more convenient. Ugh.

sage said...

If you're going to have a propane grill out back, you might as well stick an old Jenn-aire out there... that said, there is a propane one here, but it (like most every other major purchase) appeared when I was away on business, or maybe backpacking

CatLadyLarew said...

Being the pyromaniac that I am, I've switched over to cooking over a wood fire. Who knows... maybe it's splintering the wood with a hatchet that amused me the most.

Happy sledding!

Douglas said...

And just what is wrong with nukin' a hot dog?

Pat said...

I agree 100%!! Six years ago I bought myself a propane grill and spent 2 hours putting it all together, and after using it maybe 5 times, it now sits in the garage, covered up, as I use ONLY our Weber charcoal grill. Nothing beats that charcoal-and-charcoal-lighter-fluid flavor!