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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Might As Well Borrow Some Money While I’m At It

I crept into the house the other night around 2:00. Willie had been asleep since, oh, two days prior. Willie likes his sleep, while I, for reasons unclear, still act as if going to bed is a punishment.

Miss out on the nightlife?


Still, I am nothing if not considerate when I crawl into the house at 2:00 a.m. I cease singing as I reach the second floor, have been known to remove my tap shoes before hitting the hardwood floor, and quite often muffle my bemused mutterings. This is difficult for me to do, as I think I’m terribly funny at that time of night and have been known to be laughing when I enter a room.

I entered the bedroom on large, drunken cat paws.

“Shhhhh, Willie, “ I hissed. “I’m home.”

????” Willie made what could only be interpreted as a questioning grunt.

“Me. It’s me. I’m home.”


This is an approximation of Willie’s snoring.

I got into bed, where the Hunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnchunnnnnnnnnnnnnch sound rose to decibels noted by the National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health to cause one to pull on one’s ears in confusion. Protective muffling of some sort is recommended.

I recommend a pillow over the nose and mouth.

“Roll over,” I whispered.

“Sphurbim?” It was Willie’s stock answer to anything asked while he’s sleeping. In my estimation it covers everything from “yes, dear” to “wallet’s on my dresser” to “no, no, absolutely you may take my car”.

“That’s right,” I affirmed. “Sphurbim. Roll over. Belly sleepin’ sphurbim time.”

Willie grunted softly, a sign either that he agrees, he disagrees, or that he’s unconscious. I don’t look too deeply into it.

He rolls onto his belly.

Of course, that’s the lovely bit about going to bed with a slight buzz. He’s sure to resume his snoring in the next few minutes – and I’m sure to be asleep.



Joanie M said...

I can't remember the last time I came home like that.

ellen abbott said...

Don't I wish. The man goes to bed at 9PM! 9PM. what's up with that? He's like an old man. I won't even consider it til 10PM. fortunately I keep ear plugs handy so not only do I muffle his noise, when the cat comes in and insists on being let out at 5AM, I don't hear that either.

mapstew said...

As you may know, from my ramblings here, it's at least 2AM before I even think of the feathers! I'm another one for whom bed is a sort of punishment! Shhhhhhhhhhsh! :¬)


Anonymous said...


I thought I heard a jet engine fly over my house...but, now that you describe it, I think I heard Willie snoring.


Jon said...

Years ago when we lived in London I had a lot of work "functions" that involved me going out with people I didn't like very much in the interest of corporate entertainment.

I would compensate by getting absolutely rodnet-buttocked.

Normally I'd roll in about 2am and collapse in an undignified heap, but one night it all got terribly messy and I didn't arrive home until quarter to six in the morning.

Sitting on the bed in the dawn light, My Dear Wife stirred and said "what the èç**µ% do you mean getting home at this time?"

With great presence of mind I said "Getting home? I'm getting up my love! Early start today." And I changed my shirt and went to work.

Where I fell asleep in the loo for a couple of hours.

Pearl said...

Joanie, it's still the same! It's not changed much.

Ellen, I will never understand it.

Map, a man after my own heart. :-)

Sweetcheeks, the noise really carries, doesn't it?!

Jon, I do love a man who can think on his feet!

Cheeseboy said...

Poor guy. He can't get a minute's rest without being asked to roll over.

(This "man's perspective" brought to you by Cheeseboy.)

Louisiana Belle said...

You're too funny. My dog snores. I really need to think of a word for it. Love your blog.

Douglas said...

You are most fortunate that rolling Willie over (wasn't there a song about that?) causes him to cease snoring. Even if it is for only a short, sweet, period. My lovely Faye, whose snores have been scientifically proven to wake the dead, snores in every position she is capable of taking while asleep (short of that pillow over the nose and mouth thing). There is no respite. I must use earplugs (which only bring it down to level tolerable to the already deaf) and move to the living room sofa. The city council is working on a noise abatement ordinance that may carry her name. I see huge fines in our future.

laughingwolf said...

since son keeps his door closed, dunno if he snores, but my pup does not! ;)

Tempo said...

Your place sound like bliss compared to mine Pearl...the swearing, the snoring, the drunkardness, the fighting, throwing of kitchen items... Would you put up with that?..would you?!
Well 'she' didnt either, so now I live alone and come and go as I please...

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl--I have a snorer too! I like to poke him and then pretend that I am asleep.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Sounds like your husband is related to my husband in the snoring category.

Happy weekend,

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I don't snore. I've been accused of it of course, but anyone who's shared a bed with me is clearly deranged, and I can dismiss it out of hand. This helps me sleep at night. Without snoring. Indigo