I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

In Lieu of a Raise, Please Accept This Gift of a Genuine BallPoint Pen

And now, a brief note from our CEO and President, your friend and mine, Randolph T. Freakly the Third.

Take it away, Randolph.

Hi, Team!

The Fiscal Year has closed, and once again we’ve reached the time of year when we contemplate the possibility of a pay increase.

Let us contemplate that together, shall we?

“Raise”: the word looks friendly, doesn’t it? Don’t let it fool you, though. The raise is not your friend! Why be hassled with the possibility of jumping into another tax bracket? Why worry about what to do with that extra cash? And consider this: the phonetic spelling of the word “raise” is “raze”, which, unbeknownst to many, is a word meaning “to tear down”. And isn’t that awful? Why would you want anything to do with a word like that?

No, sir. Not for my employees! Why, you people are like family to me!

And that’s why, this year, there will be no so-called “raises”.

The very idea is insulting.

No, sir. This year, I want you to get back to me – take your time! – and let me know: What can the Executive Team here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets give you in lieu of money, vacation time, increased medical or dental insurance, or other purported “benefits”?

Want one of us to change your car’s oil? Need someone to address your holiday cards? Clean your catbox? Visit your mother? What say I drop by your house later and brush your hair? These are the kinds of things we’re willing to do to keep you satisfied, motivated, and, with any luck, quiet, here at Acme Grommets and Sprockets.

Remember: my door is always open, my ear’s always available, and my lawyer’s on retainer.

Best of wishes from Your Pal in the Corner Office,

Randolph T. Freakly the Third


Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I would go with the cat box combing and the hair cleaning. And make it a dealbreaker or he will try to wriggle his way out of it. You worked hard all year and you deserve it.

Simply Suthern said...

Sorry bout no raise.

It seems to be all the rage this year. Every company is doing it.

Well unless they got bailed out. No, not bailed out from jail. Well jail should have prolly been in the pic somewhere.

Breathe Breathe, Dang, Where does all this anger come from.

Bossy Betty said...

I would like my buttocks massaged.

Thank you.

Pat said...

...or a plaque. Plaques are good.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Ah yes, we got one of those last year. "Hard economy," they said, while making $3B profit. "We can't maintain our outrageous shareholder value while raising wages for our employees. It just doesn't add up." Bastards. After I become Prime Minister tomorrow, I'll show them. Indigo

Ms Sparrow said...

Sadly, the Social Security Admin made the same decision this year and no COLA increases were given. So, things is tough all over!

Courtney said...

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Raises. I've heard tall tales of such things, though I've yet to see one myself. I'm treating the concept much like I treat the notion of ghosts ... I'll believe it when I see it.

Kavi said...

Hilarious ! Lovely post ! this is 'raise' time here. The only raises are that happening is raising of the bar !

The paycheck has remained the same ! Somehow !


steelxmagnolia said...

Hair raising, really.

That Baldy Fella said...

Generous offer. We just get laughed at and told that all of our coal priveleges will be suspended if we don't get back to cleaning out the chimneys.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh amazing. As a SAHM my pay stays the same, too.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...at our last open forum flogging (a.k.a. Staff Meeting) the word raise was mentioned...followed by the words, "we're working on it" which equals 'stop asking and don't hold your breath, you'll probably faint'.

How about asking for water dunking tank? You know...where you throw the baseball and sink the CEO in the box? Or, maybe a goood ol' fashioned pie throwing festival? You could get out that pent up frustration you employees are harboring.

The Good Cook said...

How about, "Dear Mr. Freakly, I would like to get kissed while I'm being screwed"..

The Savage said...

Mr.s Freakly sounds like he worked for the last company I was with at one time.... the prick!

Not The Rockefellers said...

I would love some weeding done around the place...and oh yeah, some rabid rodent removal...
think Cujo, except it's a rat...OK it's really a fieldmouse but it's freaking huge.

Peace ~ Rene

Patricia said...

I would love to see you in another job. One that is seeing a profit.

Adila said...

LOL @ I would like to get kissed while I'm being screwed. Couldn't have worded it better myself.