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Saturday, May 29, 2010

I'm Gonna Need Your Support on This One

On an almost daily basis, I reflect on how much I'd enjoy bending people to my will. There are those of you who will disagree with me, of course, but once you've been through the retraining camp, you'll see that you were wrong.

So I've been thinking, and I've started a list.

Feel free to read these with your modifications in mind. I may want to be the ruler of the world, but I'm going to need minions.

1. People exiting the bus -- always with the bus, Pearl! -- will be required to do so through the back door as opposed to going back through the front. It makes sense. Since you can only board by the front of the bus, you leaving through the back is the only logical thing to do. You're bunging it up for the people trying to get on. Think, people!

2. Anyone on the bus that can be pinpointed by an unreasonable body odor can be asked to leave said bus by any reasonably non-offensive-smelling person, such decision to be enforced by stern looks of disapproval - a pursing of the lips is also allowed - by others witnessing the stink, all disputed decisions to be decided by me or, in my absence, a proctor chosen by a two thirds majority vote.

3. The written use of the word "Xmas" to replace the word "Christmas" will be punishable by means not yet defined but open to debate. Since when do we pronounce "X", "criss"? The daily use of the term "Peds X-ing", however, will be encouraged. It's just fun to say.

4. Women over the age of 12 shall not wear hairbows. I'm sorry.

5. Any description of a dream cannot last longer than 15 minutes. I would love to hear more about it, but I feel it only fair to tell you that the blank look on my face and the vague nodding motion I've been making are a smokescreen. I have no idea what you just said. And I'm sorry to say that we've reached the end of our session but we can make another appointment if you like.

6. Those people wearing sagging pants allowing exposed/visible butt cracks will be promptly visited and "fixed" by folks armed with caulking guns and senses of humor. Repeat offenders will be visited by retired surgeons without senses of humor. One way or another, we're fixin' that crack.

This is just off the top of my head, of course, but it's a start.

Are you with me?

25 comments:

furiousBall said...

with all your bus talk... you need to watch this a lot...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaUBzyJPXyw

Pat said...

The dream one and the sagging pants resonated with me. Flashing a time-out signal signal with one's hands should become proper ettiquette to deal with anyone who talks for longer than 15 minutes straight in a "conversation."

The Greek letters chi (X) and rho (p) were used as early as 1021 AD for Christ, so really, if people abbreviate Christmas, they should write Xpmas. I'm full of trivia.

Simply Suthern said...

Sounds reasonable enuff to me. These are just Practical no-nosense thing. I'm lukewarm on the hairbow thing tho. I still wear them occasionally. Personally I would like the Crack issue solved on the first attempt. They are attempting a new technique this week in the Gulf called Top Kill that would also be effective as Crack Kill.

savannah said...

bingo on the saggy pants! i'm tired of yelling pull up your pants, boy! and now that y'all have got me started, i think add, i don't care how pretty y'alls panties are, i don't want to see them! xoxoxox

a Broad said...

I am SO with you.
I am not "minion" material but I will definitely lead the Cheering Squad.

Golden To Silver Val said...

I'm with you, although not so sure about the minion thing. But cheering you on....oh hell yeah. The saggy pants issue makes me want to beat my head against the wall. I. just. don't. understand. I like the bus idea....they'll just have to think of a way to stop the lowlifes who don't want to pay from sneaking ON that way...and then its a GO.

Douglas said...

I have just one question. I feel it is a critical one...

Will we all be required to ride a bus?

...even the minions?

sage said...

I'm wondering if the tube of caulk in my caulk gun is still moist enough to squirt...

The Jules said...

I didn't know Yanks used "Bunging".

I feel strangely close to you colonials now.

Also, can I be a minion?

a Broad said...

Douglas asks a good question.
I never ride buses or as they are known here, the Collectivo. ( which makes it sound even worse)
I do like taxis though .. and never ever wear hair bows .. good god my dog would be embarrassed to be seen with me !

De Campo said...

Pearl's Retraining Summer Camp!

Earn a bus riding merit badge from The Great Leader herself!

CatLadyLarew said...

Bring on the caulking gun!

injaynesworld said...

All perfectly reasonable. Especially those offending butt cracks. And may I just add one more:

Stupid people will not be allowed to breed and, in fact, will be provided with free spay & neuter services and lunch from Taco Bell.

Yodood said...

X doesn't stand for criss, it stands for someone nailed to an X. Geeze, only an Xian could be so dense.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Every good plumber I've ever had come out to the house had an exposed butt crack...maybe they could be on the 'excused' list?
=]
Got your yardsale card...Thanks Honey!
XXX

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Am I with you? To the gates of hell and back kitty kat.

FabuLeslie said...

I'm with you! But I think the solution for the cracks is either wedgies or pants-ing them. Consider that.

Tempo said...

For butt cracks I recomend duct tape...seal the gap and remove stray hairs all in one go.

Gregory said...

I'm with you girl, where do I sign up? Are you smoking pot again?
and Doug, yes and it has to be the short one.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Amen on the but crack exposure...
Mind The Gap!

Peace ~ Rene

CatLadyLarew said...

Love Jayne's suggestion!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Upholding standards of civilization.... Someone's got to do it! And wow, as I'm typing this I see your link to my blog in the right column. Either it's new or I didn't notice it, or I did but totally forgot...life here in the Alzheimer's ward brings new surprises every day.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Well this is funny....when I clicked on the award I discovered that the link is broken.

The Retired One said...

Oh, Pearl...I am WITH you girl...Xcept maybe about that Xmas thing....

Tail-Kinker said...

I am in 100% agreement with you on how fun it is to say "Ped X-ing".

In fact, in high school, that was a favorite pasttime of my gaggle of friends. We would get in the car, drive around, and everytime we drove by one of the signs, we'd lower the windows and scream out "Ped X-ing! We LOVE you!" at the top of our lungs.

My only excuse is that I grew up in the country, and we got our kicks where we could (cow-tipping was considered too 'old school' for my crew).