On an almost daily basis, I reflect on how much I'd enjoy bending people to my will. There are those of you who will disagree with me, of course, but once you've been through the retraining camp, you'll see that you were wrong.
So I've been thinking, and I've started a list.
Feel free to read these with your modifications in mind. I may want to be the ruler of the world, but I'm going to need minions.
1. People exiting the bus -- always with the bus, Pearl! -- will be required to do so through the back door as opposed to going back through the front. It makes sense. Since you can only board by the front of the bus, you leaving through the back is the only logical thing to do. You're bunging it up for the people trying to get on. Think, people!
2. Anyone on the bus that can be pinpointed by an unreasonable body odor can be asked to leave said bus by any reasonably non-offensive-smelling person, such decision to be enforced by stern looks of disapproval - a pursing of the lips is also allowed - by others witnessing the stink, all disputed decisions to be decided by me or, in my absence, a proctor chosen by a two thirds majority vote.
3. The written use of the word "Xmas" to replace the word "Christmas" will be punishable by means not yet defined but open to debate. Since when do we pronounce "X", "criss"? The daily use of the term "Peds X-ing", however, will be encouraged. It's just fun to say.
4. Women over the age of 12 shall not wear hairbows. I'm sorry.
5. Any description of a dream cannot last longer than 15 minutes. I would love to hear more about it, but I feel it only fair to tell you that the blank look on my face and the vague nodding motion I've been making are a smokescreen. I have no idea what you just said. And I'm sorry to say that we've reached the end of our session but we can make another appointment if you like.
6. Those people wearing sagging pants allowing exposed/visible butt cracks will be promptly visited and "fixed" by folks armed with caulking guns and senses of humor. Repeat offenders will be visited by retired surgeons without senses of humor. One way or another, we're fixin' that crack.
This is just off the top of my head, of course, but it's a start.
Are you with me?
Terms of Endearment
35 minutes ago