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Friday, May 7, 2010

I Suspect My Own Intentions

Holy Hannah, did ya see that?! There I am, casually pulling lint balls off my sweaters and contemplating the spaces between my toes when I realize we’ve come upon another Friday.

You know what that means, don’t you?

That’s right: it’s Ask Pearl’s iPod Day, the day in which I continue in my misguided and disreputable quest to determine the weekend’s outcome through the songs that play on my morning’s bus commute.

Shining Star by Earth Wind and Fire
For the Girl by The Fratellis
Symptom of the Universe by Black Sabbath
Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd
Fences by Phoenix
F*ck You by Lily Allen

Hmm. Looks like a handful of Mystery Pills. I’d be careful of those if I were you. Probably going to want to take those with a friend, maybe dial 9-1- and then hold off on that final “1” until it truly does end up as bad as it looks.

And maybe forewarned is forearmed, eh? Maybe there are clues everywhere, we’ve only to look.

Take my recent foray into self-mutilation, for example. I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth around 30,000 times in the last 24 hours. Why? Well, technically it’s because once you’ve bitten the inside of your own mouth it tends to swell, thus making it easier to do again.

That’s the technical reason.

The real reason?

Glad you asked.

As previously noted, I’m a symbolic kind of gal. The things that I believe/suspect tend to show up on my body. The stigmata has yet to manifest (note to self: convert to Catholicism) but it wouldn’t surprise me.

The mind, and the way it interacts with the human body, is a terrible thing to taste.

Or something like that.

And so I’ve been wondering: why, really, do I keep biting the inside of my lower lip?

I’ve come to the conclusion that I talk too much and don’t listen enough.

Which, interestingly enough, will coincide with Mary and I taking a job Saturday morning wherein we will, silently, be present as people take certification tests in Nursing.

Will that be enough to bail me out of my current bite-pain-swell-bite-pain-swell cycle?

Stay tuned for the answers to this and other fascinating questions.

And have a good weekend, my friend.


Simply Suthern said...

When ya bite the inside your cheek you have to try it again to see why ya did it in the first place. That hurts too. Then ya try to eat and chomp!! ya did it again. I recommend pursing your lips and puffing your cheeks like a pufferfish. It will keep your cheeks chomp free but be careful on the bus. Maybe wear a sign sayin "I aint flirt'in I got the Mumps"

You could also go table to table asking the nurses to be to check your cheek. Tell them it is part of the test.

Pearl said...

Simply, I like that! Kind of in-your-face style test taking.

Anonymous said...

What makes Hannah so holy?
I often wondered that.

She seems a bit dodgy to me...always showing up and surprising folks like she does.

Obscurity rules, obvious drools

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oooh, careful! That kind of thing leads to canker sores! At least it does in MY mouth.

Argent said...

The same applies to your tongue - once you've done it, you just have to do it again!

Jon said...

The Black Sabbath track sounds most ominous. Did you put that on the iPod or did it arrive all by itself?

Anonymous said...

More choice sounds Pearl!
I should probably bite my lip more! Have a great weekend to.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

There you go with the whole 'separated at birth' thing again. I love the smell and taste and sensation of chewing bubble gum, I just do. However, when I chew on the left side of my mouth there will always come the time, in the middle of a fine chew, that I will bite down and bite down hard on the inside of my cheek. Then the swelling and bleeding begins. Then I bite the same area three or four times more before I have to get rid of the gum and wait to heal up some before I can chew again. A man should be able to chew gum and accomplish many other tasks at the same time but apparantly that man is not me.

Linda said...

I've only recently started reading your blog and I must admit - it is never a dull moment into the inner workings of your mind - a true pleasure, I must say.

On a side note, I marvel at the nifty jobs you randomly obtain...makes the next blog week all the more interesting!


Pearl said...

Sweet Cheeks, Holy Hannah is related to Holy Moly, right across the street from Jumpin’ Jehosephat.

Weird neighborhood.

Green Girl, SHHHHHHHHHHH! Don’t say “canker sore”!
Aw, crap. Now we’ve done it…

Argent, from now on, I’m only biting the inside of OTHER people’s mouths!

Jon, Oh, I put it there myself. Old Sabbath makes me happy, not to mention that, in my mind’s eye, I can clearly see where I was and what I was doing when that kind of music was more prevalent for me than it is now. Memories. I love my memories.

Greenfingers, Thought you might enjoy them! Sorry I didn’t have a link to “Shine On” but I’m willing to bet you have it in your collection. Have a great weekend yourself!

Cal, oh, Cal. Insert Variable Task Here and chewing gum. Surely there’s an entire blog post in that one!

Linda, hey, welcome! You know, once you put it out there that you’re willing to work –and as long as you never turn one down – it’s amazing how many odd, random jobs people will ask you to do. And yes, this does not include the kinky stuff.
Most people can’t afford the kinky stuff.
Ha ha.
98% kidding.

Not The Rockefellers said...

Once again, you've got me jamming by the end of the post.
I had that biting the inside of my mouth thing going on whilst eating peanut M&M's one day...
I think it was the blue ones that were causing it.
Never liked the blue ones.

Peace ~ Rene

The Grandpa said...

I'd be careful about that conversion thing if I were you. It has a tendency to take when you do it.

justsomethoughts... said...

shine on pearl! shine on!

that is all ye need know...

HumorSmith said...

Kinda makes me glad I listen to Frank Sinatra. On the other hand, "It Was A Very Good Year" tends to make me a bit lachrymose. And we all know I'm lachrymose intolerant. Perhaps it's time to put on Sinatra at the Sands and Come Fly With Me. Yeah, that's the ticket. Then I can dream about subsistence farming and washing my cat with my tongue, (not as bad as you may think, except for the bits of Fancy Feast flaked tuna that tend to get stuck in my teeth),and making the effort to walk to the fridge for a Bud. You give me hope, Pearl!! Guess this was more of a blog post than a comment.....

Tempo said...

If you do as 'Simply Suthern' suggests, please take a picture to share with us? (especially the bit with the sign around your neck)

troutay said...

Don't call 91-! My dog did that while chewing up the phone and the police came any way. It is called an open 911 call and they go investigate.

Luckily, my house wasn't too messy and the dog just licked them half to death. I told them she was just "basting" them for the future.

Anonymous said...

At least you won't be able to talk today...

...although, as I try to dig myself out of the hole quickly into which I just put said self, I do enjoy your writing, if not necessarily your taste in music...

...maybe I shouldn't talk or write today. ;)

Pat said...

I'm in the same boat as Green Girl in Wisconsin...bitten-inside-of-lower-lip causes canker sores. It's a real pain-in-the-mouth. Taking lysine helps them go away faster.

Teena in Toronto said...

I have Lily Allen's album on my ipod ... I love that song REALLY REALLY loud!