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Monday, May 3, 2010

Finally! The Cat Gets A Job

You are aware, yes, that I have cats?

There are two fuzzy little freeloaders: Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) and Dolly G. Squeakers (formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers).

Liza Bean came from my parents’ home. Situated not far from a freeway well outside of the Minneapolis area, they have a number of feral cats roaming about, mostly young cats, cats with yowling hormonal urges, knocked-up cats. Several times a year, my parents play host to anywhere from five to nine kittens and their mothers. My father has built a house for them, a little cat house with a hinged, shingled roof for easy access to the tiny, mewling buggers. There’s straw and hay in the winter, and it’s moved to a shady spot in the summer. I can recommend a stay at my parents Home for Wayward Kitties.

I got a call four years ago. My mother had, she said, the perfect cat for me.

I pointed out to her that I didn’t need a cat.

“You don’t need a cat, you need this cat,” she said. “You can visit her when you come up next week.”

Visit we did; and there she was – Miss Personality, a 12-week-old bundle of tiger-striped love. “Me! Me!” she said.

Once again, Mom was right. Dammit.

Liza Bean is a very attractive cat, one of those tail-held-high, mischievous, string-chasing, straw-fetching, lap-invading cats they show on TV. She’s a small cat, a tidy, short-haired and small-pawed cat who can’t weigh more than five or six pounds.

Liza Bean, how ever good-looking she may be, leads a secret life of which I am only gradually becoming aware.

What is she doing taking those late-night phone calls? What need has she of a wetsuit? What is her relationship with Anthony Bourdain and why does he send her money?


I am happy to report, however, that the days of her just haphazardly adding the words “heavy whipping cream” to the grocery list – without the offer to pay for it – seem to be at an end.

The cat’s got a job.

Tapping into her natural musical abilities, she’s formed a band.

You didn’t think Liza B. was going to get a day job, did you?

Despite the fact that she’s not had a drink since the birthday debacle that got us kicked out of the Origami (and depleted my flatscreen-TV savings), you may expect to find Liza Bean and The Band of Biteys at a bar near you.

They’re opening for Squeak Toy.

And all the cool cats will be there.


Hilary said...

Purrfectly amewsing!

Linda in New Mexico said...

I have only been following your blog for a short period of time but I must say.....I LOVE YOUR WRITING SKILLS. You are such a fabu storyteller.
My cat, Sunny Bunny Boo Boo Head of course is still walking around giggling after my reading of your Liza Bean's adventure. Nice that he has a grin on his face to replace the usual sour puss.

Ms Sparrow said...

Well! How did you manage that? My four felines are all lazy bums whose sole purpose in life is to get me out of bed in the morning to feed them their quarter can of food. Then, they relax and take it easy the rest of the day (except for occasional ralphing, of course).

reasonably chubby said...

Awww, cats! I love 'em. But more than that, I'm married to a real 'cat whisperer'. Every cat in our neighborhood is in love with the man. Ever heard of a 'catman' as opposed to the cliched 'catlady?' Me neither. Until now, when I started to live it.

SparkleFarkle said...

I needed more than a BIG smile to take the place of what my face had put on for me to wear, earlier this morning. Your blog certainly did the trick and I thank you from the bottom of my socks and out their toes. God bless you, Pearl, you saved my day!

P.S. Blatant Hint-hint: Please do blog some more about your cats, any ol' time. This entry was grand!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

SQUEAK TOY??..I LOVE that group. We have all their CDs at the Cave. Their salute to catnip filled rubber balls in THE concept album of the year. If your cat's band is opening for them then they are on the road to the big time. They will be playing the dockside fishmarkets in no time. That is where all the cool cats hang out. Don't let it all go to her head though and don't let her date within the band. That always leads to no good.

furiousBall said...

i've got a pound kitty in my house too. picked out by my little girl, and after she picked him out i think that was the last time he let her pet him (she's kinda loud)

Pat said...

I'm glad Liza Bean has finally gotten a job. Now she'll be busy with agents, lining up gigs, becoming more than just an opener for Squeak Toy...no time for mischief on the phone.

Scrappy Doo said...

She should get a monkey in the band to play drums. The thumb thing really helps when trying to hold the sticks :-)

Barbara Blundell said...

I hear that Liza Bean needs a lead singer. When is she holding auditions ?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Liza got a job?! Hooray!

Make sure you look for loose change when you're washing her laundry.

She owes you big for all those times you bought 'the good shrimp'.

mromain said...

Where can I sign up to be a groupie?

ellen abbott said...


Teena in Toronto said...

I was never a cat person. Then my then-husband insisted we get a kitty ... there was no talking him out of it. Ironically when we split up, I got the kitty and have been a cat lover since.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Hi Pearl, Nice to meet you! Every cat has a mind of it's own, you just have to smile and go along for the ride:)

Tempo said...

About time you made those freeloaders pay their way...and does your dad take bookings? I wouldnt mind a week early in spring...it sounds divine darling!
Im not a cat person me...I have two English Fox Terriers that rule my house and defend the street (whether the street wants it or not) Ive been putting them off, but now your cats been allowed to get a job it seems like only a matter of time before they take over my blog...

Anonymous said...

My cat Louie is flying home from Singapore this week and now is whining to stop and listen to the band. He thinks I owe him for keeping him in prison over here the last few years. Says he needs do some howling and unsheathing of the claws. Rest assured, I will not divert the plane but hope you will write some reviews so he can learn how the tails are twitching and when the tour hits Florida.

otin said...

I love cats, but I am not getting any more. I have a hard time keeping up on the litter box issues!

Irisheyes said...

Is there a guest list? If so, ask her if she would mind adding my name to it. I hate paying a cover charge!