I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Bad Boys, Bad Boys! Whatcha Gonna Do?

I am fascinated. And repulsed. Fascinated and repulsed and maybe just a tad gleeful.

I watch "Cops".

“Run!” I yell at the TV screen, and sure as hell, there they go. Having been chased for miles by multiple police cars, a conga line of gyrating lights, burning rubber, and sirens, these morons jump from the car they’ve just crashed into some poor guy’s car/fence/home and take off on foot to the woods.

“Run!” I yell. “You morons!”

And run they do, because if there’s anything that these guys know for sure is that they just might get away. What the heck? They’re screwed as it is. Why not give it a shot?

Don’t you wish that this extended into other aspects of American crime? I’m tired of watching drug dealers, drunk drivers, and car thieves running from the cops. How much fun would it be to see some Suit from Bear Stearns come whipping out of that building on Madison Avenue, tearing down the steps, a brief case clutched in one white-knuckled hand, the other brandishing a stapler, sweating through his white collared shirt, wild-eyed, the corners of his mouth congealed with white spittle?

“Stay back! I swear to God I’ll collate!”

Of course, we’ll never see that, but what kind of ratings would that get?! Better yet, how much fun would it be to see white-collar criminals looking like the blue-collar criminals you see on "Cops"? The head of Enron thrown to the ground, five-six cops on him, his “This Face Seats Two” shirt torn and bloodied, the faded circle of a Skoal’s can visible on his sagging jeans’ back pocket as an officer’s foot comes down to pin him to the ground?

“We found this in the bushes,” says one of the cops, holding aloft a copy of the company’s earning statements (minus the balance sheet).

“I’m holding that for a friend!” the flustered CFO screams.

“Yeah?” says the cop, “What’s his name?”

“I don’t know, man! This dude just asked me to hold it for him.”

The police chuckle to themselves as the screen fades to black. “The Mysterious Dude Defense,” one of them says. “Wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one.”

17 comments:

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Hahaha, yes, that would be a great show! Even if the perp was just wearing a tasteful blue polo shirt and Dokkers.

The Retired One said...

Bwwwaaahhhaaaaa! Loved this Pearl!

Simply Suthern said...

Bad Suits, Bad Suits, Who ya gonna screw?Whatcha gonna do when they forclose on you?

Becky Cazares said...

"...minus the balance sheet..." Good stuff!!

a Broad said...

LOL !! Yes, if only ................

twirl unabashedly said...

::shameful head dip::

i too watch cops.
and, i too yell at the tv.
and- my favorites are the domestic disputes and hooker busts.

go ahead, judge me.

:)

Kavi said...

:D

Well ! Reel to real life ! hmm !

lisleman said...

I hate that show and the others like it.
BUT your idea is very funny. The biz channel CNBC does run an interesting show called American Greed. Since I watch the biz channel often I must have seen that shot of Bernie Made-off-with-the-loot being shoved on a NYC street enough to memorize it.

savannah said...

if only it could happen...

xoxoxo

FabuLeslie said...

You are a genius. What a great post. I'm trying to think of something witty to say about it and I can't because I am still giggling about all the funny images in my head that you put there. :)

Georgina said...

"This face seats two"???? OMG and LOL! - G

Corte Inglesa said...

I just discovered Cops a week ago. Where has it been all my life?

Plentymorefishoutofwater said...

Well done on your 500! Well deserved x
*Plentymorefishoutofwater - One Man's Dating Diary*

Kevin Musgrove said...

We had the teeniest glimpse of this earlier this year when the police raided an MP's office in the Palace of Westminster. 'Twas just a fleeting gleam of what could have been, but oh how nice it was!

pilgrimchick said...

Such a brilliant idea! I think the ratings of any network that jumps onto this concept will skyrocket.

志文 said...

當身處逆境時,要能忍一時之氣,吃一時之苦,並及早確立自己的目標,總有一天,你會嘗到那甘美的果實。........................................

Little Ms Blogger said...

You know why this "some Suit from Bear Stearns come whipping out of that building on Madison Avenue" will really never happen?

C'mon, you've watched the show enough to realize the criminals on Cops are never wearing a shirt.

When Madison Avenue criminals start going to the office without the shirt and tie, then maybe, we'll see this drama on t.v..