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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Wrapped in a Light, Flaky Crust

Saturday night was a night of servitude.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to last Saturday night and the annual Pretentious Private School Fund Raiser.

I’ve got my black pants ready, my white button-down shirt (starched to a deep-fried, crackly crunch), my thick socks. I haven’t quite decided what to do with my hair yet – I’m thinking a hairnet says "I've brought you food, and it's hair-free!" – and I have located my black belt and black shoes.

I'm ready.

Banquet servers in the house!

I'm representin'.

Yes, that’s me, holding a heavy tray of smoke-infused-cheese-berry-garden-lizard croquettes. Would you care for one? They're fresh! Don’t forget your napkin!

It’s cash, okay? It’s cash.

And once that cash is in-hand, my fellow servers and I generally go out. We look mighty spiffy showing up at the bar in our black-and-white glory. We tip heavy and we throw our server “gang signs” out to the crowds, a saucy palm-up-holding-an-invisible-tray gesture that says "I got yer dinner right here".

Have you been served, baby?

Ack. We kid no one. We are clearly exhausted, clearly fresh off some fairly demeaning job where men in tight jackets (Look! It still fits!) look at everyone but their wives and women in taste-defying backless dresses point their silicone breasts at each other and dismissively gesture for us to take away the “butler-served appetizers”.

We mock them behind their backs. HA! We laugh at your five-bedroom/four-bath homes and your Escalades! We scoff at your Jimmy Choo shoes and your artfully tossed hair!

Well, okay. We laugh at their ostentatious displays of wealth, but we envy their shoes and their bank accounts.


I worked for cash Saturday night.


Kabbalah Rookie said...

I'm certainly not envious of the smoke-infused-cheese-berry-garden-lizard croquets.
Loving the 'point their silicone breasts at each other' comment - I can see them now! And their husbands!
Be thankful for not having their money. Then you might have to actually mix with these people!

Bossy Betty said...

And you worked hard for the money! So hard for it honey! So they'd better treat you right!!!

Ms Sparrow said...

I can envision them now, skinny little size-4 women standing with their elbow propped against their pelvis bone while they hold a glass of booze (c'mon, even champagne is booze!) as they cock their well-coiffed heads and act charming. I am so glad I missed it!

Flea said...

Cash is nothing to sneeze at. I burn baby animals for cash.

Simply Suthern said...

I feel for ya, but like ya said cash is cash. I work a couple side jobs as well. Ya do what ya gotta do. I just dont look as snappy as you when I do it.

furiousBall said...

why does my mind instantly go to the cinema burning scene in Inglourious Basterds? "We have all of them in one room"

mapstew said...

I also worked for cash saturday night! But they were a nice crowd!

(We have been getting more than a few 'BrideZillas' recently though!) :¬)


Jeanne said...

Consider yourself lucky. I served the next generation--and paid for the privilege.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Ah....black and white are the new red. Those are power colors you were sporting, Pearl!

Think about all that great black and white stuff out there:

Old movies, Refs and Umps, Bleach blondes in need of a root job,

Dominos, Newspaper comics, Pirate teeth (ARGH),

and most importantly...

The difference between right and wrong - according to my mother - when she was REALLY, REALLY angry.

I envy your Saturday Soiree with such fine colors~

Greenfingers said...

I think you look simply divine m'lady! I'll have some tea and toast please. There will be a tip in it for you!

savannah said...

but you declined the cash at the last minute and instead, offered your toil up for the honor and glory of being in such illustrious company! right, sugar? y'all would never work for unreported cash, right? because that would be wrong! *making sure that "gladys" the server described in this post, who isn't really pearl practices CYA!!!!* ;~D xoxoxoxo

Madame DeFarge said...

Retain the moral high ground and take their cash all the way to the bank.

Kavi said...

Money is honey. Money on Saturday night is sure big time honey !


powdergirl said...

Ah, money's not very important... unless you want to buy something, that is.

Hey, at least no one bit you.

Gadjo Dilo said...

Pearly, don't let them intimidate you - you're better than the lot of 'em put together! My wife and I generally dress in second-hand clothes, and I wish we had kids if only so as we could go to such events and show these people how sexy 'thrifty' is!

Tempo said...

Thats a tough gig, on your feet all night and worst of all...putting up with 'those people' We do what we have to for the money Pearl...you, me and everyone!

Teena in Toronto said...

Better to make it than spend it.