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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Up Against the Wall and Spread ‘Em

I’d like to talk to you today about something that has, like my own behind, spread to accommodate the space it’s been allotted.

Ugliness.

In public.

Bearing in mind that there are several kinds of ugliness – up to and including, I suppose, complaining about ugliness! – I’d like to narrow the parameters, if you will, to the man on the bus this morning.

Judging from his attire, he was on his way to Woodstock.

Judging from his age, he may have attended the first one.

Don’t get me wrong. As a child of the 60s myself, I am not only referred to, by The Boy – with love, of course! – as “The Dirty Hippie” during one of many possible “Brotherhood of Man” spiels, but I also have much of the music of the era on my iPod.

I love hippies! I once dated hippie! My parents were hippies!

Wait. No, they weren’t.

But 1969 it’s not; and if you are still wearing what you wore in high school – only in a bigger size – then I’m going to write it down in my notebook.

Where, no doubt, someone else observes I’m writing on the bus in what appears to be a diary… Perception! So tricky. I really must be kinder…

Where was I?

Look. I know I shouldn’t judge based on physical appearance, but dude! If you wore it the first time it was in fashion, you probably shouldn’t be wearing it 40 years later.

I mean, sure you’ve got a lot of hair! Only your hairline starts at your ears. You’ll have to trust me when I tell you it doesn’t look as good as you think it does.

And the concert t-shirt stretched over your beer belly! Big KISS fan I take it.

The bandana tied around your thigh shows your playful, I-Party-Like-Aerosmith side.

And to me, the eyeliner denotes the fact that you're man enough to wear make-up.

The bleached jeans tucked into your combat boots indicate that you are ready to rumble.

I can dig it: You’re a rocker. Good for you.

But then you sat down next to that poor girl. Were you really asking her out? Did you not see how uncomfortable she was? Put yourself in her tiny little unscuffed shoes – you are in all probability older than her father and yet it was clear that you were flirting with her.

You may not have ever been a teenage girl, but I was, so believe me when I tell you: a man this close to 50 who says things like “we should get together and listen to some tunes” is horrifying!

What? Well, sure she smiled at you! It was her only defense! Did you see her get off the bus and throw away the number you insisted on writing down? Don’t you remember being that young? Don’t you recall thinking that even 30, for cryin’ out loud, was old?

For the record, 30 is not old. And neither is 40. And as I get ever closer to it, neither is 50…

Where was I?

Oh, yes. Ugly. Ugly clothes, and uglier behavior. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.

The charge?

WPU: Willful Public Ugliness.

I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to come with me.

And no. I don't want to go back to your place and listen to some records.

26 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

That was uncomfortable to read. I cant imagine how she felt. But thank goodness she was there cause he could've sat down by you.

cfoxes said...

Some people never grow up, just out.

K A B L O O E Y said...

The ugliest of the ugly was the 50 hitting on the 20. Rest is an "eye of the beholder" thing, I'd imagine. Maybe he was a roadie...

The mad woman behind the blog said...

Ah, a woman who takes her civic duty seriously. We could use good folk like you in our parts.

I really don't know why I took on a Southerner's persona just now.

injaynesworld said...

Okay, this post should have come with a warning: "Empty bladder before reading." LMAO. I need to ride a bus once in a while.

For the record, I tried very hard to be a hippie, but could never bring myself to give up my mascara.

And 50 isn't anywhere near old, girlfriend...

Sweet Cheeks said...

I think that guy on the bus is my Uncle Louie...
He owes me 50 bucks.
=]

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

But what if we are the same age and your grades depend on it. Toss me a bone here will ya. We probably already got the same albums anyways, know all the same TV references and know what boooze misses best with TAB. So...can I give you my number?

steelxmagnolia said...

Reminds me of when my son was in the 4s program at the local nursery school in the early 1990s. His 'science' teacher was an aging hippie. The nugget was when Charlie (my adorable child) came home from school one day and said in the most serious, concerned tone: "Mr. Henry's mommie dresses him in the same clothes everyday. Can we take him some from the bag going to the men's shelter?" Charlie did, but Mr H came in day after day in the same Woodstock attire anyway. Just goes to show you can take the horse to water ... cheers!

Joanie M said...

Wouldn't you just love it if she had said, loudly, "Get away from me, you old fart!"

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

And yet I think I'd like to read that daily affirmation he's got posted on his bathroom mirror...

Secretia said...

Pearl, you get to see every kind of character!

savannah said...

really? a bandana tied around his thigh and he wasn't trying to staunch bleeding? bless his heart. xoxoxo

Flea said...

Did you say that his hairline started at his ears, or IN his ears?

Mandy's Kidding said...

That was cringe-worthy! I felt for that poor girl!

*Shudders*

darsden said...

I knew you were scribbling me down in your notebook... looking at me with that cute smile...jotting notes...the whole time! ;-)

mapstew said...

I can handle ugly looks.

It's the ugly smells!

MAN! :¬)

xxx

Kevin Musgrove said...

Just out of interest (purely academic, you understand) was: "Up against the wall and spread 'em" his chat-up line?

(The bandana around the thigh is the poor man's viagara. I won't say how I know this.)

Green-Eyed Momster said...

Hee he he! This made my day, Pearl! I work in retail. We should get together and write a book of rules that some people have follow regarding their attire before they will be allowed to leave their homes! I'm so with you on this!

Hugs!!

fingers said...

You take the bus, you take your chances, Pearl...

Megan said...

I get texts from the offspring from time to time, "Okay, mom, I know the crazy bus guy I told you about last week sounded like the ultimate, but you'll never guess what I am looking at/listening to/trying to run away from right now..."

What? Texts can be extrapolated!

blommer22 said...

cant seem to stop laughing. it's a real good post. love it.

LadyFi said...

Very funny! I do like a man who is willing to flaunt his very own style! ;-)

Pat said...

Sometimes ugly can be beautiful - like the young Tom Jones. Trust me:)

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl, I try not to ride the bus. Real life is everywhere, in all its glory. Not always as colourful as this gentleman, it must be said, but still. Trains are little better. Indigo

Willoughby said...

You get to see the coolest/strangest/funniest people on the bus!

I feel sorry for the girl he hit on. That's just creepy!

Teena in Toronto said...

I wore some scary clothes and had some scary hairdos! And I have the pix to prove it!