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Wednesday, April 7, 2010

No Jury Will Convict Me

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word:

Snoring
.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and cadge cigarettes when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a brief but vigorous shaking of the bed. My thinking here is that he will, whilst asleep, believe that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things:
  1. That’s my name;
  2. What's that sound? Sounds like my wife, and;
  3. Grblx zinkt offun garbin.
I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he always mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?” This usually produces some interest.

“Sphurbim?”

“The letter from the IRS," I say. "Did you see it? About the child support!”

Willie has no children, but this last sentence causes him to stop snoring, and, briefly, to stop breathing entirely. The room then takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing conveys an even-keeled quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

There are several pink, sandpaper-like flower-shaped no-slip stickers still grimly clinging, with 1970s style tenacity, to the bottom of the bathtub.

I'll say no more about that.

“Mmmm,” he says as he drifts back to sleepy-time. “Bran' new tubbinshower. Grblx zinkt offun garbin."

"That's what I'm thinking,” I say.

And on a good night, that will take care of the snoring.

29 comments:

Tail-Kinker said...

I'm doubled over at work cackling right now...!

Have you tried holding his nose shut with your fingers while simultaneously holding his jaw shut with your hand? That worked admirably with my husband, if only to get him to a greater state of wakefulness for a minute so he would stop long enough for me to fall asleep.

Pearl said...

Tail-Kinker, actually I've NOT tried that yet! Ha ha! Guess what I'M doing tonight about 2:00 a.m.?!

powdergirl said...

Are you sleeping with my husband?

Or rather, are you laying awake beside my husband?


My favorite is when he wakes up all pissy and says 'HOW COULD I BE SNORING, I'M NOT EVEN ASLEEP YET".

The man even snores in his semi-wakeful periods.

And since he's way bigger than me, I wake up on the damn couch a lot. Then I only have to listen to him complain about waking up alone.

Hey, 3 square a day and more female bonding than you ever dreamed was necessary, book me Danno.

And yeah, he lies about me snoring too.

Ms Sparrow said...

Fiendishly clever!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Maybe Willie needs some sweet lovin' (forehead to knees????) or one of those 'breath right strips' to stop the snoring.

Pat said...

Maybe Willie has sleep apnea and needs to use a CPAP machine (Continuous Positive Air Pressure). I think there are CPAPs with which you don't have to wear a mask to force the air into your nose. Medical centers that specialize in sleep disorders can diagnose that. A friend of ours started using one...no more snoring and restful sleep (for both husband and wife).

Pearl said...

powdergirl, I am absolutely not sleeping with your husband. Who could sleep?! :-)

Ms. Sparrow, I'm feelin' kinda feisty today.

Cal, that's forehead to SHINS, dammit, Cal!!

Pearl said...

Pat, CPAP. I like the sound of it.
I don't think he has sleep apnea as his snoring is not actually every night or even all night long when he does -- just enough to make me want to punch him -- hard -- a couple times a week. :-) I'm an awesome gal, ain't I?!

darsden said...

been there too...except it was me waking myself up..!! I recorded mysleep turns out I just stop breathing... Sleep Studies...tons of money...tons of crappy breathing things... MY ability of overcome on my own...PRICELESS! I lost 20 pounds take zrytec at night ...elevated my head of the bed by an inch...and now I breathe and don't snore! ooooo crap I am not sleeping either!

ellen abbott said...

Yeah, my husband accuses me of snoring too. However, my snoring does not keep me awake and the point is that HIS does.

Pearl said...

dar, I'll take the 20 pound loss, but no sleep? I do that myself at times and it has nothing to do with Willie's snoring. ACK! There's nothing like going to work without having had any sleep!

ellen, what is it with men accusing women of snoring?! Don't they know that anyone as good-looking and delicate as us couldn't possibly snore?! :-D

Simply Suthern said...

My parents have the Harvest Gold bath fixtures in the hall bath and the Avocado Green in the Master bedroom. They were installed in 1974. When they remodeled (30 yrs later)they went out looking for wallpaper and counter tops to match the old fixtures. As far as the snoring goes the wife usually just jabs me or kicks me. It works so good I did the same to her last night. Good Luck.

Greenfingers said...

Ahhh Pearl, I to snore but also have the curse of that sleep apnoea thing.
So not only do I fear choking to death in my dreams, but I also have the dam curse of a restless leg that spins around like the arm on a fecking clock!
I do hope that no potential partners are reading this!

Pearl said...

Simply Suther, hey! Good fixtures is good fixtures!

Greenfingers, I personally chaired the last meeting of People Prepared to be Greenfingers' Potential Partners and believe me, with the way you write, how you sleep is of little matter!
Oh, and btw? The word "fecking" makes me laugh every time. :-)

Pearl said...

Sorry -- that's Simply Suthern. Cripes.

Vic said...

I recommend duct taping his nostrils to his cheeks. Helps with airflow. He'll thank you for it later when he's rested and serene.

Quote of the day: "Sphurbim". So many applications....

Sweet Cheeks said...

Mr. Cheeks swears that I snore...but the kids tell me I sound more like the ocean...sort of.. whooshy. Caprinkle tells me that yoga parlors would pay big bucks to listen to my organically cool night time sounds.
=]

Me said...

Haha...boy do I know your pain! I too resort to nose plugging when my hubby's snores become too much to bear (never covered his mouth at the same time, tho!). I will also remove all the blankets (theory: only deep sleepers snore and if you're cold, you won't sleep quite so deeply...it sometimes works). When all else fails, I just poke him incessently.

BTW - Thanks for stopping by my blog yesterday!
:)

Joanna Jenkins said...

It sounds like you've been to my house between the hours of midnight and 7am.

I feel your pain Pearl.

jj

Pauline said...

Now I know why I'm partner-less - I'm too scared my snoring will be discovered. My little grand-daughter asked me a while ago why didn't I find a nice man who snorts like I do. Snorts? Surely she just hasn't learnt the correct word yet!

Crazy Mom Tats! said...

Push harder with that pillow. That's the ticket.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

pilgrimchick said...

I am dismayed that the diminishing effectiveness of the elbow-in-the-chest trick will lead to this scenario.

Tgoette said...

Wifey and I finally broke down and got CPAP machines and now we sleep great and don't snore. But before that, I would have seriously found a way to get some chloroform and knock her out just to get my 8 hours. Good luck!

HumorSmith said...

Wow...kinda makes me glad I sleep alone. Erm, wait, no, it doesn't. I'd like to take my chances, please, oh God of Sex...who I pray is kinder than the God of Not Gettin' Any..

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I want to say for the record that I do not snore. Anyone who tells you otherwise wanted to share a bed with me and is therefore of dubious character. But I share your pain; it drives me crazy. Good job I don't do it. No ma'am, definitely not. Indigo

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I used to sleep with a snorer. USED to. I'll never tell where I hid the body...
(Kidding! But Mr. D did wake up black and blue a few times from when I punched him to get him to ROLL OVER.)

Greenfingers said...

Thanks Pearl. I needed that!

Teena in Toronto said...

Gord snores too ... I have to smack him in the head a lot. Our dog snores too.

Brenda said...

Too funny!

We need to laugh about this, because the other alternative is not pretty.

Visiting fromBPOTW