I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, April 24, 2010

My Laundry Has Special Needs

I miss the days when all my clothes went straight from the washer into the dryer.

In my 20s, the odds were good that everything I owned was either some manmade fabric that would serve as garments for the cockroaches that survived the nuclear blast that would take us all out of the picture or it was made of cotton and would get incrementally smaller with each washing/drying combination, eventually becoming bar clothes for toddlers.

But somewhere along the way, I learned that the dryer is not our friend.

I laugh, of course, and tell myself that the rough, air-dried terrycloth towels I use post-bath last longer, smell better having been dried out on the clothes line. People using their dryers! Why, I never heard of such foolishness! Don’t they know how bad that is for the fabric? That it causes shrinkage? That the wind and the sun can do the work for them?

Do they know how much money I’m saving not having that lousy dryer running all the time?

Honestly, though, without at least the suggestion of a breeze, the texture of those towels brings to mind burlap sacking, which makes me sad because from there my mind goes to burlap attire.

It’s a short trip in my head from one scenario to another, and in no time at all I am constructing burlap coverlets for the throw pillows and boiling vast pots of potatoes for dinner.

Somehow, rough clothes equals poverty.

Now, of course, I have sweaters that insist they be “hand washed”, which I suspect is a setting on the washer somewhere I’ve yet to discover. I have garments that insist on being laid “flat to dry”, which I believe is code for “over the back of a chair near the heater”. I’ve got two cashmere sweaters that I dare not eat in for fear of having to wash them. I’ve got slacks that are washed once every ten wearings or so simply because one never really knows, does one?, about slacks?

When did I become a slave to what my clothes want?

I’ve come to a sudden realization. If the tag on my clothes says "Do not machine wash or tumble dry", it means I will never, ever, wash it.

Great Scott. Think of the savings.

19 comments:

Anything Fits a Naked Man said...

Oh, my gosh! I thought I was the only one! I have so many "delicate" sweaters and fine clothing that I am TERRIFIED to wash! So, I DON'T! One of these days they're really going to start reeking, though. Then what?

Great post! Thanks for the smile!

Zaedah said...

Pant washing has long been a topic of debate. Exactly how many wearings can one dare before one must place pants in the devilish hands of man's most fickle devices?

However, I have learned one valuable life lesson: If the shirt comes with 'special washing instructions,' it's left on the store rack.

Jodie Kash said...

Recently bought (and swiftly returned) the cutest summer-weight, merona wool sweater vest/tunic dress (wore over leggings with sandals or flats and damn cute on me) because it was hand wash.

I can't be bothered with that nonsense.

powdergirl said...

There is a hand wash cycle on your washing machine. Its a little picture of Irene with a frown on her face.

CatLadyLarew said...

I go for natural fabrics, but still nothing comes into my home that can't go into both washer and dryer. (Meaning I look kinda wrinkly, but who cares?)

furiousBall said...

i treat my clothes like they are a football team. i toughen 'em up. what's that silk shirt (why the hell do i have a silk shirt?) machine wash delicate or hand wash and line-dry? you sisssy. you coward. you get in that washing machine with my socks and filthy jeans and you suck it up and fight alongside your brothers. we'll make a man out of you yet!!!!

now drop down and give me 20!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I always have a stack of hand-wash things just waiting for me to put them into the washer on the gentle or hand-wash setting. Two or three times a year I might get mostly caught up, after I really, really need to be wearing those things.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I have enough people telling me what to do. Damn if I am going to take orders from my clothing. I am KAL from the CAVE OF COOL and I am NOBODY'S BITCH. I let everything in my house, from the lowly dishrag to the fanciest fur that it's a jungle in the laundry room and if you can't cut going from washer to dryer then you deserve to be 'naturally selected' to die.

sage said...

Ain't you ever heard of the cleaners? They do better work that most spouses do with clothes and I'm sure cost less

Sweet Cheeks said...

My washer has two settings...

'Who Cares' is for heavy duty beatings

and

'Stupid Clothes' is for the pansy stuff.

I always use the 'Who Cares' cycle and then throw it in the dryer on 'Flambe'.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

I like "reshape and lay flat to dry" as opposed to the plain old "lay flat to dry" because I like to reshape my shirt into conversational poses. Sometimes my shirt gets sassy with both hands on hips, or waves because she's happy to see me. You just never know with my shirts.

IndigoWrath said...

And of course, DRY CLEAN ONLY is code for LEAVE IN WARDROBE.

from december said...

they call them sweaters cause they sweat everything, get yourself a hoodie

injaynesworld said...

I keep saying I'm going to do laundry, but I never do. I always manage to find some scrap of clean fabric to cover myself for yet another day. The joys of working at home!

Lynda said...

Thanks for your visit to my blog all the way over in Africa earlier this week, & for following me, too - great to have found your blog aswell !

Hilary said...

You AND your commenter friends are a funny lot. I'm smiling near as much by reading the comments as the post. Most items that are meant to steer clear of the dryer can still take about 10 minutes of it along with the other clothes. If you remember to take it out after that much time, and then hang it up, you won't need to iron. The trouble is when you forget.. I mean when *I* forget.. because I almost always do.

Warty Mammal said...

See, you're a better person than I am. I figure that if it can't last through a trip through the washing machine, it wasn't meant to live with me.

'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why! said...

If the clothes can't take the heat... I'm not going to buy them anyway because good grief, it's Alabama, and July around here is hotter than a dryer. Seriously.
I too equate rough clothes with poverty and insist on using the dryer for sheets & towels. Just as well, the dog eats anything in the yard (including the lawnmower engine last week).
Also? Sweet Cheeks kills me! Flambe! Awesome!

Teena in Toronto said...

I dry about half of our stuff ... I hang the rest.