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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Frankly, All Other Shades of Warning Are Just Tacky

Of course now that I’m a worldwide traveler – particularly if you are willing to allow that flying from Minnesota to Ohio and back constitutes “worldwide” – my head is abuzz with travel-related announcements.

And by golly if I was going to be forced to listen to repetitive airport-ly proclamations, then so were you.

So I took notes.

Did you know that every time I have been to an airport –and admittedly, this includes the airport drop-off and pick-up areas – that the “current threat advisory, as established by the Department of Homeland Security” has been orange?

Orange. Always with the orange.

“The current threat advisory color is orange. The current threat advisory accent color is purple, although blue is acceptable. Green as an accent to orange will not be tolerated.”

There are other broadcast warnings as well, repeated at, oh, four-minute intervals, should the first dozen times you hear them not be enough.

My particular favorite, after the reminder that the current threat level is “orange”, is the one regarding the inadvisability of transporting baggage on behalf of strangers.

Attention, fellow travelers! Have you been approached by anyone requesting that you transport anything on their behalf? You have? Was he about this tall, dark hair and a moustache? Did he mention me by name or say whether or not he was seeing anyone?

What about you, over there! Has anyone but you packed your suitcase? Did you know your odds of being forced to wear pleated pants go up dramatically when someone else packs your bags?

And you there, the good-looking one! Have you left your suitcase unattended recently, spoken harshly to it, or neglected its needs as baggage? In its untended state, if any, have you noticed any mood swings or changes in appetite? How long do you think you can keep this up and still think of this luggage as "yours"?

Yes, it’s a big world out there; and I’ve much to learn. Constant vigilance are my bywords – those and “open bar”, “buy one get one free” and “illegally cars will be towed at owner’s expense”.

When it comes down to it: the airport, the open bar, we are all counting on each other, aren't we, to stay informed.

Just remember: I'm here for you. Stay alert, my friends.

The world needs more lerts.

18 comments:

savannah said...

The world needs more lerts.

amen, sista! but, i'm starting to think we might never see a plane again...volcanic ash, baby! i wonder if it's too late to start thinking about investing in a ship? xoxoxo

Laoch of Chicago said...

I think what the world needs are more colors!

Susan said...

I would love to say something clever but I'm too busy enjoying the best laugh I've had in weeks!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

We all know that an Orange color threat means that you take a light sweater or summer jacket and play one off the other should conditions warrant. I really hate when they ask me the baggage questions because I am a funny guy with a dozen quick retorts for any situation and that fact that they keep me from saying them lest I get arrested should be worth some kind of discount.

Nota Bene said...

You can certainly have worldwide on the basis that you have the World Series which includes only American teams...over here we are on purple alert - the colour we have been promised for our sunsets now that the Icelanders erupting and have closed all our airports for redevelopment...

Jimmy Bastard said...

After 5 days stranded due to the pox of the volcanic ash, I'm gonnae start taking the bus from here on in.

Simply Suthern said...

To raise money the government has been selling official department sponserships. The reason it is always orange is because It is no longer just Homeland Security, It is now Homeland Security brought to you by The Home Depot.

Sweet Cheeks said...

So...what you're saying is...I shouldn't go to the airport wearing my orange and green pleated pants....dagnabit!

What else do I have to match my white sock / brown sandal ensemble?

Willoughby said...

If my brother can tell me he got jet lag flying from Florida back to Michigan, you can call Minneapolis to Dayton world travel!

I'm generally too terrified to speak in the airport. I'm afraid I'll say something ("you're suitcase is the bomb!") that will be misinterpreted and I'll be pulled aside for a body cavity search.

Pearl said...

You people are very funny.

:-)

Savannah, We may want to invest in horses!

Laoch, now there's a thought...

Susan, thanks! :-)

Cal? Nicely done. :-) And I agree that the ability to hold back the clever comments should be good for something at the airport, maybe one of those vibrating chairs they've got for a dollar for three minutes...

Nota Bene, purple sunrises! We haven't seen those since Canada was on fire in the 80s. I live in Minnesota, on the Canadian border, and you could see the haze for MONTHS as a prairie fire swept through... 82, was it?

And stranded, Jimmy! If only you had been stranded in Mpls! I keep cash on hand for just such an emergency -- think of the singing!

Simply Suthern, corporate sponsorships! Am waiting for Crispy Creme Field...

SweetCheeks, well now that the cat's out of the bag I suppose there's no harm in telling you that all the people coming to your house this weekend? Not a party. A sandal-and-sock intervention. I'm sorry. Oh -- and we're going to need beer...

Willoughby, sounds like something MY brother would say -- and completely believe!

Kevin Musgrove said...

The Orange Alert means that Florida has invaded the Union.

Teena in Toronto said...

I've never noticed any coloured alerts in our airports.

But I always laugh at the questions ... as if I'd bring someone else's bag on with me! NOT!

The Jules said...

I like Purple Alert.

Bit worse than Blue Alert.

Not as bad as Red Alert.

Gregory said...

flight was Bradley Field to Cinci International (actually in Kentucky) lost my Alvarez acoustic guitar, found it, but was without 2 or the 5 days I was home from school, was a drag. Next time you travel to Ohio look me up...

Joanie M said...

That was spit-coffee-on-my-monitor funny! Pass the paper towels please.

Derrick said...

Hi Pearl,

Thanks for visiting. Now you mention it, I must check and see what colour alert level we are on. First we have to alert people to the fact that planes are actually flying again!

injaynesworld said...

I want no alerts, please. If I'm going to fly, I want to be comatose. Dying to hear all about the Erma Bombeck conference.

bettyl said...

So, what do the colors mean for flyers? I mean, is there a color that means, 'no, you cannot get on a plane, and I don't care if you are color coordinated!'?