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Friday, March 5, 2010

What's Going on With My Neighborhood, or Don't Forget to Write When You Get Settled!

Every day's a little longer, every day's a little warmer, and to top it all off, Holy Hannah, it's Friday!

Can ya beat that?

Once again, in my pointless and somehow sacrilegious need to understand what's going on before it even happens, I consult my iPod's playlist in the hopes that, if I listen intently, perhaps while squinting, the future will be revealed.

Honeybear by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Are You Alright? by Lucinda Williams
Long Division by Death Cab for Cutie
Love Long Distance by Gossip
Temptation by Tom Waits
Love Dog by TV on the Radio
Atomic Dog by George Clinton
Hey by The Pixies

Hmmm. I'm either being held prisoner by a college radio station or I'm getting a dog.


Today is the last of our serial-Friday installments re: the Jefferson Hillbillies.

Today's episode?

How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I would like to report that their moving out was a raucous adventure of questionable folk from Minneapolis' seedy underbelly, that the local chapter of DA (Deficient Anonymous) showed up to help them pack up the four large-screen TVs, the ping pong table and the seemingly dozens of mattresses that I witnessed them move into the house down the street.

But I cannot.

They left in the middle of the night, leaving nothing but tire tracks in the front yard, a large piece of furniture that may have doubled as some sort of sacrificial slab, a broken cooler, and two horrifyingly stained king-sized mattresses.

They left these items on the boulevard in front of their house.

Oddly enough, Minneapolis' garbage haul-away policy is amazingly liberal; and all of these items could've been taken off the neighborhood's hands by simply leaving them in the alley with a note that said "Please Take".

And as enticing as a game of "What does that stain look like to you?" originally seemed, I tired of the view of their household scabs almost immediately, and called 311 (the number to the city) on the second day.

"I'd like to report a large pile of crap, please."

The woman on the other end chuckled. "Can you describe the crap, ma'am?"

I could, and I did.

"Do you have the address of said crap?"

"Well, it's four down from my house, but the house numbers seem to run by both fours and twos, so I'm not sure of it right now. I can walk down there if you like."

"Let's start with your address and go from there," she said.

In minutes, she had Google Maps pulled up, had found my house and had counted down four houses.

"Is it the house with the lamp post in front of it?" she asked.

"What?" I said. "You can see that?"

"Google Maps is a wonderful thing," she said.

I had been unaware of this street-level feature. "I'm stepping outside," I said. "Can you see me?"

She laughed politely, as one does at the clueless. "Ma'am, it's a satellite image."

There was a slight pause as I listened to her type.

"We'll have someone out to pick it up tomorrow."

"Really? Just like that, huh?"

"Just like that," she said. "Is there anything more I can do for you?"

"No, ma'am," I said. "That's plenty."

True to her word, the City of Minneapolis hauled away the residuals of their brief stay with us, and so ends the tale of the Jefferson Hillbillies.

They came, they saw, they littered.

And now they're someone else's problem.


Simply Suthern said...

What is it with Minnesota gypsy's. We had a crew move into a house in our neighborhood. 6 trucks and stationwagons with kayaks and johnboats all over the tops. They dont park, they abandon in the yard. The brokedown eyesore truck thats not spose to be allowed was made better? How? Big blue tarp. Nice. Please dont run any more out of state. Paalleeeezzzzzzz

Kevin Musgrove said...

Now that's impressive. For my sins I have to liaise with our council's call centre and they're not allowed access to Google Maps. (In fact, it took a titanic struggle to get them internet access at all!)

Everyday Goddess said...

Love the phone conversation!

She was just teasing you, of course she could see you outside your house.

Douglas said...

How strange. My city would have said...


"Not my department, you have to call the Solid Waste people."

"No, I don't have the number."

"Well, you could take it to the dump.

"No, I have no idea where it is either."

"Uh huh... Well, same to you."

Pearl said...

Simply Suthern, Did they have square heads?
I know lots of folk move south in the belief that the warm weather will be less work -- not to mention that thye can pass out drunk in the backyard without freezing to death. As the weather changes up here, though, back to warm, we experience the return of the people who left for the winter...

Pearl said...

Kevin, it's not a bad little city.

Everyday Goddess, I KNEW it! :-) I knew she could see me!!

Douglas, shoot. Minneapolis will haul away washers and dryers!

Willoughby said...

I feel your pain! We used to live in Detroit. 'Nuf said!

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I may have mentioned before that we have a branch of your Minneapolis Jeffersons in the 'double wide' across the street. I stepped outside yesterday and nearly got a contact high. I wouldn't mind if they'd share but no way am I going to ask.
And, yeah, I love me some Google maps, tricky tricky.

Lynda said...

Bad Move.. drinking tea and reading this post at the same time... but now my sinus are clear! LOL

"Can you see me?"

Funny, funny...

Kr√ęg said...

If you had called a few weeks earlier, they probably would have hauled off your neighbors too.

Jeanie said...

I think she could see you, too. And I hope you are getting a dog...it would make for some wonderful posts.

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

yup! Google is a God!!

Smocha said...

In the Chicago suburbs you could put anything out on the curb and they would take it. That's how my son furnished his first home.

Julian Meteor said...

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! rofl

The Retired One said...

Ah, shit....I hope they don't like snow, because if they do, they may be heading to the U.P.
I'll have NONE of that.

I am kinda sad they didn't stay living on your block, because these episodes you related were hilarious. But I love you too much Pearl, to ever wish that on you....

Secretia said...

Must be great that they left, people like them are dangerous.


Kate Coveny Hood said...

Love the image of you stepping outside. Looking for the candid camera crew.

Zaedah said...

Your song list makes me weep. Seriously, there are tears welling in my newly acquired third eye (needed an extra one to sob properly). Such awesome tunes though, yes, a dog may be in your future...

Jayne Martin said...

But they're gone! Hooray! Although I will miss your hilarious documentation of their derelict.

Cloudia said...

You got Mokes in Minn too?!

Aloha from Hawaii my Friend!

Comfort Spiral

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Oh I don't like this one little bit. Let me sum up. Crazy hillbilly neighbors of questionable parentage, leave in middle of the night depositing their DNA coated brick a brack on the front lawn. Concerned citizen/patsy calls city agency which is EXTREMELY HELPFUL and the next day everything just goes away but the bad memories. Calm returns to the land and we all move on???? No way...omg...pack a bag. Bring extra crackers. And run...run like the wind. STAY ALIVE....I WILL FIND YOU!!!!! You know too much. Now I know too much. eeeek...what the hell was that sound. 911 911 911. See you on the 'Lost' island. They got us. They aren't giving me a number and don't you let them give you one either. I AM NOT A NUMBER...I AM A JELLY DONUT!!! (you gotta mess with their minds a bit)

♥ Braja said...

Atomic Dog: am imagining a combined effort of George Clooney and Bill Clinton and it's workin' out reaaaaal fine!!!

Marla said...

They sound like the last tenants to rent our farm house. Yep, moved out in the middle of the night leaving piles of CRAP!

Dang hillbillies!!

Flea said...

Amazing, isn't it, what Google can do? It's taking over the world, you know.