I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Welcome! From the Land of Toast and Curry

Everywhere I go! Smells!

Having finally overcome my yoga-practice distraction of, as one reader so succinctly put it, “wet cats and cheese”, I have discovered the inability to distract myself from the smells that assault me the rest of my day.

This is not very yogic of me.

Take, for instance, my new work location. Having moved from one floor to another, I now find myself sitting not on a dead end, as I did upstairs, but at the center of what is known in some areas of the world as a “roundabout”.

You must believe me when I tell you how excited I am to sit at the center of a hub accessing the elevators, the bathrooms, a conference room, and the “kitchen”.

It is the kitchen which is currently driving me to consider what is surely a lateral move in my career to full-time drinking.

Toast! Well, that’s first thing in the morning, isn’t it? Can’t start the day out without a couple pieces of toast!

What’s that? Snack time? Hey, how about some popcorn. Do be sure to burn at least one serving.

Lunch! There is a man here who has warmed up the same thing every single day since my move to this floor two months ago: lamb curry. At 10:00 in the morning.

I love curry, don’t get me wrong. But every day? What’s wrong with a sandwich? Or a bowl of soup? For cryin’ out loud, buddy, try the vindaloo!

I’m telling you, there are simply not enough people dedicated to making my life easier.


Elliott said...

I have an aversion to popcorn in the office, we had a sales guy at a previous job who, instead of wittily clicking 333 for his bag of popped corn (or using the POPCORN BUTTON...moron), entered 3333. And walked away, forgetting about the popcorn for about seven minutes before someone realized we were just shy of an incendiary show. We had to get a new microwave after that, the burnt smell just wouldn't go away.

And I was that asshole who warmed up fish in the office microwave once. Sorry.

The Jules said...

One of our ex-colleagues used to cook kippers in the tiny kitchen at work.

I like kippers, but it odouratified the place for days afterwards with elderly fish stench.

It ended when our supervisor came in one day, who was three months pregnant and extrememly nauseous, and made her point by being sick next to him.

Jodie Kash said...

When I worked in an office the break area always smelled of Budget Gourmet frozen meals, which regardless of flavor was damp cardboard and lukewarm beef. Or a shoebox filled with Swedish meatballs left on the counter for an hour.

Molly Potter said...

The trials of office life.

We had a kitchen boycott - yes BOYCOTT last week- over a comment someone said. Kettles were sneaked off and plugged in inappropriate places. Classic nose severance to spite face stuff.

More fun focusing on such dramas than working I'd say!

Battery work farms do seem to tamper with people's perspective!!!!

savannah said...

these are the kind of stories that remind me how lucky i am to work from home, sugar! hell, even miss daisy is easier to live with than y'alls office mates...ok, maybe not by much! xoxox

Simply Suthern said...

Don't underestimate the power of burnt popcorn. I was introduced to a girlfriend by rescuing her and her mom from the flaming kernals. It also emptied the whole Holiday Inn in Colorado Springs during a blizzard. Oh, wow, that was about me, sorry. Nope, I havent seen any job openings listed in Minn. just for your convenience. Hopefully you are not near the bathroon of the guy with the curry.

Kabbalah Rookie said...

Oo, don't suggest he tries the vindaloo - didn't you say you were on a path to the bathrooms?
Burned microwave popcorn and toast - wow, really brings back memories of when I was working in an office, along with the memory of the hippy woman who would stomp in to the kitchen and saturate the air with lemon grass and bergamot, following the offenders down the hallway if need be...

DevilsHeaven said...

Tuna fish "juice" down the sink in the kitchen. Makes the entire tiny place smell. Ugh. Go to the Dollar store and invest in some air freshner!!

Jen said...

I learned this trick as an EMT...put menthol on the end of your nose and that's all you'll smell. Perfumed lotion works pretty good if you hate the scent of menthol.

Joanie M said...

I work in a restaurant. I hated when we had these certain quesadillas that had parmesan on top. The quesadillas tasted great, but the smell of the parmesan cooking in the oven was disgusting!And so is the new bacon for the teriyaki burger (don't order it, trust me). The bacon has 5 spices coated on it, including cloves and anise.

And a pet peeve of mine? Quesadillas are pronounced kay-sa-DEE-yas, NOT Ques-a-DILL-ee-yas. Drives me crazy!

Sage said...

I once woke up to a house of smoke as the alarm was going off--my son was having a sleep over down in the basement. he came into the kitchen to fix pop corn and (as this was an older microwave without a popcorn button), hit 30 minutes instead of 3 minutes and then, instead of waiting went back down stairs. The microwave was fried and the stench continued for sometime, but not in the basement where he was at...

that said, i think i could eat curry at least 3x a week

Krëg said...

Recipe for solution

One small handful of nickels (seasoned to taste)
One foot square of tinfoil
One pint of gold paint

Mix nickels, paint, and tinfoil in a large metal bowl, and place in microwave.
Microwave on high for three-to-sixty minutes.
Deny all knowledge of the mess you've made.

Note: this recipe will NOT solve your toast problems. Toaster-related problems should only be solved with six ounces of rubber cement and a seemingly conveniently placed butter knife. Denial of knowledge is still recommended.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Burnt popcorn = smelly feet.


steelxmagnolia said...

I have a nose like Helen Keller so unaromatic scents cause me to become woozy. Makes me realize how delicious it is working from home where only my wet dog has an unpleasant odor and I can toss her out into the backyard! Cheers ...

敬忠 said...


LadyFi said...

There is always someone at work who has to warm up smelly fish balls at work... Phew.. it's enough to drown out the smell of all the rotten food in the fridge that people don't clear out... ;-)

When Pigs Fly said...

Burning microwave popcorn is absolutely disgusting. Actually, microwave popcorn in general is awful. Having to smell it all day at work is just cruel and unusual punishment.

Teena in Toronto said...

They moved all the microwaves in our building to the ground floor because people were complaining about the smells. I wouldn't be too crazy about smelling fish :(

I adore the smell of popcorn ... burnt popcorn is nasty :(

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

Maybe the toast you're smelling every morning is actually a precursor to an as yet unbeknownst seizure disorder...you might wanna get that checked out. The curry smell, I have no idea...maybe you're going to India soon and just don't know it?

And maybe I'm insane and need to up my meds.