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Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Theory on Age, Weight Gain, Women, and The Health Benefits of Swimming

Oh, you’re gonna love this because, well, let’s see now, I’ve been working on it for a good 30, 45 minutes and I’m pretty sure I’ve got it nailed.

You ready?

Here it is.

The reason women so easily gain weight as they get older – and no, I’m not talking about me! or you, for that matter! – is that once they reach a certain age, the Tribe, whoever the Tribe may be, realizes that said woman is no longer bearing children, has slowed down a bit, and has accumulated enough knowledge so as to be a pain in the hairy backside of whoever is running this here outfit.

At some point, she will be lured out onto the ice, where she will be set adrift.

The extra poundage? It’s to give her a fighting chance of getting off that iceberg.

All of this occurred to me on the bus this morning, when a rude, lanky young man pushed past me with all the indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality.

He’s not aware of it, but I suspect that in the back of his tiny, wrinkled brain, there is an ice floe with my name on it.

It’s just a theory.

Now if you’ll excuse me – and should anyone need me – I will be hiding in the elevator bank, lying in wait for the pink-cheeked young things working their way up the corporate ladder.

They’re younger than I am, but they’re soft and they’re naive.

And I’ve been training for this for years.

Because before they lure me toward the open water?

I’m gonna get their lunch.

29 comments:

Douglas said...

When I was a young man, my idea of beauty in women was narrow. As I aged, it broadened considerably.

But I always like women with a bit of meat on `em. `Tis not a bad thing, Pearlie, not a bad thing at all. And I suspect the extra pound or two comes in handy for those Minnesota winters.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I love that you're going to eat their lunch if they lunge towards you. That made me laugh....although, I'd probably do the same.

ellen abbott said...

They may be young but they're dumb.

sage said...

"indolent sneering of one who has yet to contemplate his own mortality"

Wow, what a line! That was probably all of us at one time or another.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Who are we kidding here? I think I know you well enough by now to say without hesitation that about 30 minutes out on that sheet of ice they would all see you coming back to shore, riding on the backs of two polar bears that you just nearly strangled to death to gain their compliance. Then once on shore that ONE soaked boot would make for a difficult morning for all the young punks involved in your initial banishment.

Simply Suthern said...

Me thinks you been under the snow waaaay too long. But the SS Pearl has a nice ring to it.

Marla said...

I knew it!

SparkleFarkle said...

I second that theory AND that emmotion! Heck, just this morning, as I dropped out of the wrong side of the bed, had me thinking, "Someone hand me the dang paddles. I'm ready to set sail."

SparkleFarkle said...

Egad, does that second sentence of mine (above) even make sense?! Oh, well, I'm sure you get my drift.

The Good Cook said...

hmm.. I may have to move very far away from any icebergs...

Kyddryn said...

Hmm...I guess it's a good thing I can swim in arctic waters, then. There are benefits to being in the Polar Bear Club, after all!

Shade and Sweetwater,
K (who IS the floatation device!)(or is that "flotation"?)(dang spell check syas they're both correct, but they both look wrong)(sigh)

savannah said...

i think kathy bates summed it up in fried green tomatoes:
[Evelyn is cut off in a parking lot]
Evelyn Couch: Hey! I was waiting for that spot!
Girl #1: Face it, lady, we're younger and faster!
[Evelyn rear-ends the other car six times]
Girl #1: What are you *doing*?
Girl #2: Are you *crazy*?
Evelyn Couch: Face it, girls, I'm older and I have more insurance.

or as the MITM always says: don't fuck with an old man, he'll never play by the rules xoxoxox

Willoughby said...

We must band together and have an uprising! It's all the young, skinny model types that should be set adrift! Who's with me?

steelxmagnolia said...

And all this time I was under the obviously dubious impression that my few extra pounds would make my face look better. Camouflage those wrinkles. It was either that or my derriere. And, frankly Pearl, even if I could live off the fat (so to speak) this Maine girl would freeze on her personalized ice floe. Not to mention have a growling tummy that would scare the dog off a meat truck. Cheers!

Chantel said...

I read like some kind of voracious animal and have long forgotten the actual source of this quote, but somewhere out there was a conversation about attraction and Mr. Man said vehemently, "I like a woman I can FIND in the dark!"

Words to live by.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pearl...you silly goose!
Those skinny girls don't actually eat anything. If you look in their lunch sacks you'll find laxatives and lip gloss...I'm sure.
=]
Although, I picture you floating away on that lonely piece of ice...and in the distance somewhere...the roar of the Abominable Snow Monkey echoes through the night. Take a fork with you.

Ms Sparrow said...

As they say, "Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill". Mwaa haha...

Jodie Kash said...

I can't fully express how wonderful this is. So I won't, I'll just know it ;)

Suzy said...

Preparing for someone to come over and film me in an hour I just tore myself away from the mirror. Extra weight is now starting to show up in my face, which normally makes anyone appear younger only it just made me HORRIFIED.

And then I read this. Great.

powdergirl said...

I like all those soft, naive youths, because they still cry when you kick them.

Get their lunch money too, Pearl, you might want a little desert.

mrwriteon said...

I like women to be soft in all the appropriate round bits. I find that Beckham woman scary.

Jeanie said...

Being "a woman of a certain age" this scared me a little at first, but when I remembered Savannah's lines from "Fried Green Tomatoes" I felt better. I'm ready for'em.

Cloudia said...

Pearl, you are but a babe!



Aloha from Hawaii my young Friend


Comfort Spiral

Mrsblogalot said...

Fabulous Pearl. Just fabulous!

Validation and revenge all in the same post!!

injaynesworld said...

Yep, once our breeding years are past us, Mother Nature does seem to lose interest. What a bitch.

HanShinta said...

Love how you are gonna eat their lunch! haha..Fabolous! =)

Visiting from BPOTW. Please visit me too! =)

CatLadyLarew said...

That's it, Pearl... lie in wait and take 'em out before they can push you onto the ice floe.

Brenda said...

Lol! That is very funny. And you should eat their lunch, after all, you may need the extra calories!

Visiting from BPOTW

bettyl said...

I concur!!